tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83340878407569611022024-03-13T12:16:35.640-07:00JENNA'S JOURNEY of HEALINGpaint brushes, yoga mats, and Stage IV Breast Cancer. A "How to Deal" Guide.Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.comBlogger237125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-35793399217850803202011-09-28T17:25:00.000-07:002011-09-28T17:26:34.027-07:00Ellise Sweet Potato Science Experiment<iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/exBEFCiWyW0" allowfullscreen="" width="560" frameborder="0" height="315"></iframe><br /><br />I don't really have anything to add. Pretty straightforward. Chew on that. Or not if it isn't organic.<br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-8703427261821689882011-09-21T08:01:00.000-07:002011-09-21T08:27:40.397-07:00This is a <span style="font-size:130%;">workshop</span> I am beginning to offer again here in Myrtle Beach, SC. This is another saving grace that keep me afloat of the all the cancer stuff. It takes me out of the physical aspect of what is going on that can be disorienting, and places me back into my core. That part of all of us have that cannot be broken or changed, even when our lives do. Enjoy! I will post a video by the founder of <a href="http://www.soulcollage.com/?gclid=CP2ksN7MrqsCFREj7Aod_HBIIA"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Soul Collage</span></a>(c) and an example of my work. You can also find more by looking up <a href="http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.214583318605549.55182.110334682363747&saved#%21/pages/Chimaera-Creations/110334682363747"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Chimaera Creations</span> </a>on Facebook.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rtDBTTneHfY" allowfullscreen="" width="560" frameborder="0" height="315"></iframe><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">The card below was formed and came to me as a way of understanding the psychic and physical aspects of some parts of my breast cancer journey:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><i>"I am the one who has electrifying potential resting deep inside my womb, protected from the onslaught of the chemicals and changes. I am the One Who feels aged and wizened, but I hold rebirth in my grasp, awaiting its moment. I am bound by their laws. I am in danger of turning to stone from the stranglehold fear can place on you. I am the One Who has protection while these changes occur. I am wise. I am wise."</i><br /></div></div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xZvZ7Br8new/Tnn-yFqWGYI/AAAAAAAAAs4/LmHRlKdAxpc/s1600/breastcancerBound.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 525px; height: 403px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xZvZ7Br8new/Tnn-yFqWGYI/AAAAAAAAAs4/LmHRlKdAxpc/s400/breastcancerBound.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654830943607069058" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></div>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-85484949607014065642011-09-12T07:52:00.000-07:002011-09-12T07:56:18.249-07:00Ric Elias: 3 things I learned while my plane crashed | Video on TED.com<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.ted.com/talks/ric_elias.html#.Tm4cu55nwVo.blogger"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 280px; height: 53px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-j81jk00D7pk/Tm4dWyRavJI/AAAAAAAAAsg/bZWjxpzIXPQ/s400/ted_logo.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5651486859685706898" border="0" /></a><br />Wonderful short talk on gaining perspective from life threatening circumstances. And here is our hope to you, that you don't need to be in a plane crash, or have chemo dripping into your body, to gain that perspective. Let us who've broken the ice with the prow of our ship do that for you. It makes what we go through worth it:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/ric_elias.html#.Tm4cu55nwVo.blogger">Ric Elias: 3 things I learned while my plane crashed | Video on TED.com</a>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-49224645617498036192011-09-01T06:25:00.000-07:002011-09-01T06:44:25.851-07:00Parenting Support and the Cancer JourneyI just dropped the kiddo off at school. I am rather tired today, but I have been here before. And I have so much emotional grieving going on, that it is adding to the fatigue feeling. But that is why living near/with dependable people who are willing to drive her to school is so I import t. Just knowing I have these resources makes me breathe easier, only once have I asked. However this is the key to cancer journeys and especially to parents with cancer.....reliable, dependable, loving support.
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<br />When you know you have it, I swear it makes it all easier. I think without it, I would feel much more ill and unable to do as much as I do. Just knowing I can make a call, or knock on a door, and I can say "chemo is treating me meeeeeeean today". Yet again, because I know it is there, I am more able to do it on my own. Just knowing someone out there is watching and can say "you sure, we are here".
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<br />If I am too self absorbed, and so internal the past few months with all the changes, I just want to stop and publicly say "THANK YOU". Anytime you've ever offered or said yes, thank you! That one act of acknowledgement of the struggles that can pop up is enough to hold me up for weeks.
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<br />Any parent needs this, any single parent requires this, and it is vital when any illness affecting the lives of parents. It is also such a hard line for both sides. Those watching sometimes want to help, but don't know when it is intrusive or inappropriate. Often times, the person with the chronic illness knows the impact it has on the lives of those arou d them the most, and worry about overbearing on those closest. Yet somehow within this dance, it all works out.
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<br />I once had a friend, who is an amazing DOER, always up front of the charge for someone in need. She said one day to me, "I wish I could get this kind of help!". It was rather telling how isolated we've become, with families splintered. However many toes you might accidentally step on, asking for help is usually the hardest part. I HATE it. I am self sufficient. I am capable. Oh no, I am still those things most times, but I am forced to be vulnerable one. Forced to ask for help, when I would rather eat slugs. Hahaha. But I have floundered in my attempts at times, because usually when I need it the most, I am the "not myself". It throws people off. But I am learning, sometimes painfully, but I am learning.
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<br />So, the topics....support when parenting with cancer? How do you balance? I know there were a few readers who had cancer and children. Would you be willing to add to the discussion? How did you manage during your course of treatment? For those with chronic conditions, how do you manage without burning people out? Please, if you will, let your coping methods be known, it will help others. My traffic is spiking to 80 readers a day. So I know your out there...come and join the discussion!
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<br />One very tired, but making it work today mamma,
<br />Jenna
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<br />Anyone know how to add pictures on the iPad. I can only use the HTML eature to write, not compose. And the buttons don't seem to work. Any idea? Thanks!Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-49277623484129173362011-08-17T07:14:00.000-07:002011-08-17T09:33:37.605-07:00New Book about Harmony Hill Cancer Retreat Center<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://harmonyhill.org/"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 227px; height: 294px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-o-U-DZgxwO4/Tkvs5a-84II/AAAAAAAAAsY/OYi3vnAexQ4/s400/cover.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5641863429451735170" border="0" /></a>
<br />Over the winter, I was interviewed for a book about those who have had the honor of attending a retreat at Harmony Hill. I am simply going to post the information from the website. When I was asked to be interviewed, I simply thought it was for some quick one sentence blurb to be posted on the website. I had no idea it was all this. I am beyond honored. Gretchen, the visionary founder of this center, is amazing, if I could carry myself through life with her humble, grounded, and graceful way, even 1/10 of it, I would consider it a life well lived. The center is am amazing extension of her vision, and energy. I will say it again - GO - or DONATE. Read on....
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<br /><a href="http://www.harmonyhill.org/store/one-hill-many-voices-stories-hope-and-healing">
<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">One Hill, Many Voices: Stories of Hope and Healing</span></a>
<br />$27.05
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<br />NOW AVAILABLE FOR ORDER!
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<br />Harmony Hill’s newest book One Hill, Many Voices: Stories of Hope and Healing by Donna Cameron and Kristen Leathers. While cancer is central to a number of the stories told in One Hill, Many Voices: Stories of Hope and Healing, they are really about living authentically. Along with the picturesque background of Harmony Hill we are introduced to individuals who reconnected with their own lives and accessed their own inner wisdom and healing. Woven among the individual stories of hope, healing and homecoming is the story of one woman, Gretchen Schodde, whose vision and perseverance made Harmony Hill a reality. These illuminating stories about real people in real situations remind us all that living our lives on purpose is our true work.
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<br /><a href="http://www.harmonyhill.org/store/one-hill-many-voices-stories-hope-and-healing">Order your copy today!</a> Copies will be available for pick up about August 20th at Harmony Hill Retreat Center or will be mailed the week of August 22nd.
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<br />$24.95 plus tax for pick-up at Harmony Hill (notice will be sent for date for pick-up availability)
<br />$24.95 plus tax ($5 for shipping & handling per copy) sent media mail to recipient week of August 22nd
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<br />Price: $27.05
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<br />Now I haven't prescreened this, I am not sure how much was published from our interview, but the interview was extensive! And the writer delightful.
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<br />Once again, if your in Washington state, or Washington D.C., and going through, or assisting someone through their cancer experience, now, or 20 years ago, this place is worth going to for a retreat. Amazing, powerful, respectful...I can go on and on. Life Changing....definitely.
<br />Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-71710730464467319652011-08-06T15:09:00.000-07:002011-08-06T15:52:38.447-07:00Your Toolbox for CenteringYou guys have been shy in the past, with comments or answers.... but I KNOW you know some pretty deep stuff, and I am going to coax you out with a <span style="font-weight: bold;">question of the week</span>:<br /><br />First, let me grease the wheels, and get you thinking:<br /><br />Very recently, my life changed totally, almost overnight. (I know I know, this is a blog that began with a cancer diagnosis, isn't that life changing enough....apparently not, when you are truly trying to heal completely).<br /><br />This recent event, had to do with things I cannot, nor do not think are appropriate to talk about here. And it doesn't' matter, one trauma is the same as another to someones body. Trauma It doesn't differentiate.<br /><br />So....my daughter and I have had all this life changing, life challenging circumstances, that can make me feel at times I have to have all the answers NOW, or said trauma will occur again. This, is ...silly. How<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jzuPIKNz8yM/Tj3C0GL4ybI/AAAAAAAAAsI/RXJGCZcME5c/s1600/holdingbreath.jpeg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 120px; height: 120px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jzuPIKNz8yM/Tj3C0GL4ybI/AAAAAAAAAsI/RXJGCZcME5c/s320/holdingbreath.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5637876508807186866" border="0" /></a>ever, sometimes it feels like running from a tidal wave with your kid in tow. You run, in survival mode.<br /><br />While I try to remind myself that particular tidal wave is behind me, I will sometimes wake up forgetting this. Sometimes, it can be triggered be a very real dream where I am reliving the running from the wall of water, that makes me wake up with that "I can't catch my breath" feeling.<br /><br />Now, here is some interesting Health Psychology babble: When we don't breathe, for whatever reason, our physiology changes, our blood acidifies from lack of oxygen, and in turn, creates more anxiety. That anxiety, tightens our diaphragm, which makes it harder to breathe, which makes the blood more acidic, which heightens the feeling of anxiety...and the loop goes on and on. (end Health Psych lecture).<br /><br />Well...today, I woke up running from the wall of water like dream, with aforementioned feeling of lacking oxygen. Now, I know where this can go and would prefer a better start to my day. So, I popped open this website, passed along by one of the most brilliant people I know. <a href="http://www.doasone.com/default.aspx">Do As One</a>. This site is dedicated to the practice of conscious breathing.<br /><br />Instead of starting my day in an instant state of anxiety, I instead turn the running from the tidal wave feeling into a gentle walk next to a brook and so my day goes....knock on wood...oh so peacefully, challenges and all.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.doasone.com/default.aspx"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 290px; height: 174px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9U-___umwaU/Tj3DhhQd0qI/AAAAAAAAAsQ/IQSD5mpbCrE/s320/breathing.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5637877289168261794" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Now, this is my question for you:</span><br />What is one resource you can share here, to help others. Someone shared the Breathe As One website with me. It has helped me so many times. Now it will help you. So pay it forward...<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />What is ONE <span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;">tip</span></span>, <span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family:courier new;">trick,or <span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >tool </span></span></span>you use for grounding yourself when your emotions start to go beyond informative, and useful?<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"> </span></span><span style=";font-family:courier new;font-size:130%;" >How do you <span style="font-weight: bold;">CENTER</span>, when your life pulls you to be emotionally wobbly?</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-59061472131300076962011-08-02T21:41:00.001-07:002011-08-03T02:15:20.475-07:00Rip, Curl, RepeatSo I have been waiting for this little big movie called Soul Surfer to come out on DVD. I get this kid, in some ways, in many. She lost on arm. You may be overcoming a chemo drugs side effects that took down your way of life (for now), or trying to get your head above the waterline of an abusive relationship, or finding your way home after being lost, for whatever reason, divorce, economic hardships, accidents. The is a WHOLE HOST of learning opportunities we place before ourselves that permanently alter the WAY we live. And I do, it can really feel oppressive, and never-ending, but it is going to end, there is an end to the pain, the suffering AND the triumphs and the good times. <br /><br />And this movie lived up to expressing the answer to the questions from others, or the questions I pose to the Supreme Being: "WHAT just happened? WHY did it happen? WHEN will it end? HOW am I going to get there?" and the good ole "You sure you think lil ole ME can do this?!" <br /><br />(To that last question, it is usually on a day when feel like one ole measly twig that can break under all the pressure. And to which I can totally hear my daughter saying, "Yeah, but then you'll have two things to lean on for support instead of one.")<br /><br />Right now, I am coming back up into my strength after a close brush when dying, and having to start all over....I ask these questions a lot. And yes, I cry sometimes, deeply, wondering if God got this right. Me? Suppose to get through all of this? And then I look around and realize I am not at all cornered on the market for "lots of tough stuff to deal with....".<br /><br />My take home message: YOU probably haven't been the only one down a similar path. Yes, your path is indeed unique to you. However, fear, overcoming, pain, triumph....thank God God didn't only give those answers to gurus, and the people writing Self Help books. It pretty much is all around. <br /><br />Look to someone else's journey, and ask yourself what did they do. Don't judge or measure yourself to against them. See what they did when they hit the proverbial brick wall and, even if you don't feel it to be true, try it on for size. <br /><br />My favorite, the ancient, time test and approved by most major religions, self-help books, and Oprah, is the "take it day by day" approach. Easy to use instructions built right in. :)<br /><br />If you try to live more than today at a time, is when you become the biggest puddle heap of uselessness on the floor. It also CAN be a sneaky way out of being responsible for getting yourself out without having to face the fears that put you there on the floor - crying - with no Kleenex left. Think about it, if you said "I HAVE to be at the TOP of <span style="font-weight:bold;">that</span> MOUNTAIN - <span style="font-weight:bold;">NOW</span> or I am doomed to a hellish existence forever and ever with a scarlet 'LOSER' tattoed on my forehead so all anyone will see is how bad it was" - well, you wouldn't expect me to be able to do it. <br /><br />But - when we break that journey down, to what is ONE step today? We can open our eyes, and try one new thing to get ourselves there moving, even if it is just zipping open the tent, pouring some coffee and talking to a mountaineer who has conquer that snowy behemoth in front of you. (Even if said expert had frostbite, and a missing finger, you still would probably trust that the journey is doable). <br /><br />So don't break the path yourself. Find your inspiration. Take notes, make a Step One plan.<br /><br />Oh, and that fear that has you on the ground. It can be your gift. If you have the courage to ask "Okay, so what if that fear IS true, what will happen? And then?" USUALLY it clears up how much fear of nothing we've carried along the journey with us. And TYPICALLY it is well meaning friends and family hanging their fears and baggage on you. Just compassionately, but most definitely, hand it back. Then at least, your only trying to carrying your load for the climb.<br /><br />OH, but this is a <span style="font-weight:bold;">surfer</span> movie, nooot a <span style="font-weight:bold;">climber</span> movie...so I should switch back on my analgies and metaphors to water, and sharks, and one arms giants of Soul. Soul Surfer? Cute, slightly saccharine, but still totally true to this girl, this family, and what it takes to not be permanently in a state of fear.....<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/MWeOjBCi3c4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />Blessings on the journey,<br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-32994664719282387632011-07-01T23:47:00.001-07:002011-07-02T01:09:02.639-07:00Restarting and RevisionHello all! My you have been patient. To get responses STILL after such a long hiatus, I am honored.<br /><br />And I am ready.<br /><br />Suffice it to say, I was - busy. Healing. Putting straight my life and eliminating the chaos. <br /><br />I can't talk too much about that. And this blog isn't about THAT stuff, anymore anyway.<br /><br />But I do have a vision, and now that the proverbial chains have finally been lifted, and my energy can now go back into my LIFE and LIVING it, not surviving it again, I can turn my attention back here. The direction I have been hinting at moving this blog can finally come to pass. And oh the fun we shall have :)<br /><br />Sharing knowledge. Giving to others what others gave to me to heal, it my focus here now. Soon, along the sidebar, you will start to see listing of my writings. Some from school, some from my own private collection. <br /><br />Some will be reports from my schooldays relevant to today. <br />Some will be poetry.<br />Some will be meditations, both written and recorded for you to use immediately.<br />Some will be songs I have written for children, or spirit.<br />Some will be meditative chants I have learned to reach a affirmative meditative state.<br /><br />All will have a little "donate" button, or suggested "donate" button. <br /><br />For now, as always: Music! A repeat I believe, but SO appropriate for my life the last 2 years:<br /><br /><iframe width="425" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/elHNibng1PM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />In hope, and joy, and gratitude.<br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-86923164835178986732011-03-03T22:12:00.001-08:002011-03-03T22:13:46.556-08:00Healing MedicineIf you can't get a smile in your heart from watching this....you have NO soul....<br /><br /><iframe title="YouTube video player" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/RP4abiHdQpc" width="640" frameborder="0" height="390"></iframe><br /><br />OH my oh my oh my!<br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-62164139825821937602011-02-22T09:03:00.000-08:002011-02-22T09:24:39.924-08:00Re-emerging ...slowlyI am touched at the number of people wondering about the status of this blog. I haven't abandoned this project/blog. I have just been in the state of deeeeeep adjustments. Fundamental life stuff, like the beams and posts of a building needing replacement. I am almost there. Almost there.<br /><br />A beautiful new home, one I hope to stay in for a long long long time. I finally finally feel like I found my home in Seattle. Like someone plugged me back in. I've traded the quiet forests of the Cascades for the semi-city life of the waterfront. I love both. But this is the best of all worlds and I am charging up.<br /><br />But still in adjustments. A lot of big fundamental changes. I will leave it at that.<br /><br />I am also pondering the direction of this blog. I have batted around ideas. It's origins were to inform friends and family. But it is going way beyond that.<br /><br />I have had requests for writings, books, etc for the past year, and wasn't in a position to write. But in this new place I have a desk, that peaks at the Puget Sound, Vashon Island, and the ferry going back and forth. The light is streaming in 100 year old windows, taller than me,<br /><br />in every room. I miss the light of Arizona, this comes in a close second, making me wish I was a cat, that could curl up in the light on a rug and be done for the day.<br /><br />But this space, the light, the new beginning is allowing room again for creative energy and my creative center, shut down too long, is starting to churn.<br /><br />So this blog, I think, will be a catchall. It isn't going to be all about cancer, because my life is not all about cancer. My life is about who I am...and cancer is just this part of the journey.<br /><br />I had the honor of being interviewed for a book recently. And she asked me what is it I want to say, while I have a platform to say anything, that could help someone going through a challenge in their life. And it all came back to what I was doing BEFORE I was diagnosed with the damndable little "c".<br /><br />So that is what this blog is going to be about. Creating a toolbox for life's challenges so when the winds of change come, your center will ALWAYS be there. The core of WHO you are is unchanging. And life challenges, like cancer, try hard to make us forget and go into slumbers until the ache and discomfort of living out of alignment with ourselves calls us back to do the work. To unearth the "why did I come here to planet earth? What is my purpose?" starts to nag at us.<br /><br />That was my work before my period of disorientation occured. I am not WHO I was before in so many ways. How I view the world has fundamentally changed. YET....WHO I am has not. What awakens my curiousity, challenges me to grow and expand, reconnects me to feeling a part of something greater than just ME....that has not changed.<br /><br />And this blog will become my journey to remember that part of myself and in turn, to share what I have learned through my life.<br /><br />This is the ONE thing I kept wanting to share during that interview...doing the work of knowing WHO you are at your core BEFORE life throws you for a loop, will help you recover, learn, and intergrate much more quickly. During these times of challenge, you can either adapt, learn and grow, or cave in, give up, and die before your dead. If your reading this blog, you are probably in the former group. Wanting to learn, challenge yourself, grow.<br /><br />You will hear some of my cancer journey here. I will indeed post helpful links and what I have learned. I will also post writings, research papers from my Health Psychology school days, and things that inspire and interest the creative hearts.<br /><br />Because, I am not cancer. It is a huge influence, challenge, and personal growth instigator in my life. I am not ignoring it. But it is time to share all over myself. Not just part. How I am "doing" updates are easy to get if you call, or write. If you don't know me personally, you will have to just know I am well enough to be writing, if I am, and that is all that matters.<br /><br />I am going to get back to that paintbrush and yoga mat aspect of this blog now. ;)<br /><br />Thanks for sticking with me during the break!<br />Jenna<br /><br /><iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/I1wg1DNHbNU" frameborder="0"></iframe>Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-43530304072599339072010-12-06T14:16:00.000-08:002011-02-22T09:42:56.372-08:00Transitions<iframe title="YouTube video player" class="youtube-player" type="text/html" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/lMxBpPcoWf0" width="480" frameborder="0" height="292"></iframe><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Press Play</span> first. Then read.<br /><br />Hello all of you patient readers. If you still check back to this blog, I am grateful for your persistence. I believe the cycles of life ebb and flow, from external, to internal and back again. My recent year has become a very internal journey, and I consciously chose to pull back and tend to my life with a quieter, more contemplative personal time. Many choices, and transitions have been occurring and I believe when something truly valuable to you is in the "birthing" process, holding it close is called for while you make your decisions, take some baby steps, and then adjust.<br /><br />I have plans to change the scope and content of this blog in very fundamental ways. It started as a way to keep many friends connected to the in's and out's of my personal stats. Chemo, no chemo. Test results, things people can do. But it has evolved beyond that now and so I am deliberating on what the next incarnation of this blog will be.<br /><br />For now. The holidays. The spiral to the center of the year, and the time of a tiny flicker of light held within the darkest times. I can so relate.<br /><br />Recently, <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TP1m84hXJMI/AAAAAAAAArA/SOlxcNJx_d0/s1600/Hildegard-of-Bingen..jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TP1m84hXJMI/AAAAAAAAArA/SOlxcNJx_d0/s200/Hildegard-of-Bingen..jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5547703512140817602" border="0" /></a>I "ran into" the biography of the the life of someone I deeply identify with, and it only took diving back almost millennium to do it. I came across this 900 year old mystic nun, by "accident", when my body was breaking down from fatigue, and I took a day to be quiet, and recoup. And by "accident" learned about the life of Hildegarde of Bingen. She was a nun from Germany around 1100 AD.<br /><br />This piece, which she composed, I can feel in my bones. One of my favorite things is music in the woods and singing in chant style. So I LOVE this version of Hildegarde. Our lives parallel in many ways, and I had never, ever heard of her before. She was a nun, mystic, scientists, artist, composer, a bit of a rebel, etc. She came close to death, after years of repressing her inner calling, and came out of it with visionary work. (May I follow her footsteps!!). I always joked I should've been some sort of Buddhist nun or monk if I hadn't followed the motherhood path. But maybe it is my Catholic Italian side that is calling me.<br /><br />Eitherway, you didn't come here to get schooled on 900 year old rebel nuns. :)<br /><br />Enjoy this beautiful piece, may it bring a moment of stillness in the hectic pace of the holidays.<br /><br />See you next year!<br /><br />(Added Feb 2011 - I've had the lovely opportunity to talk to Marisa herself. She is as lovely as these songs. She isn't coming to the US anytime soon, but I promised I would make sure a link to her site was up. If you find this music calls to you, go here www.<span class="il">marisa</span>-music.com<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Arial; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="border-collapse: separate; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Arial; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"></span></span>. It is available on CD or digital. For US readers, the digital is cheaper because of shipping, and kinder to the environment.)<br /><br />Many Blessings,<br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-83189224688278243542010-11-01T10:50:00.001-07:002010-11-01T11:06:32.926-07:00What does Harmony Hill have to do with Mojo?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TM8AiVGbxgI/AAAAAAAAAq4/h-J7X0Vs-y4/s1600/HHillImageRotatorPic1.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 117px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TM8AiVGbxgI/AAAAAAAAAq4/h-J7X0Vs-y4/s320/HHillImageRotatorPic1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5534643056841311746" /></a><br />What a fun enigmatic start to a post, eh? But seriously, I found my center, got a chance to find myself again, and got re-inspired all in 3 days at <a href="http://www.harmonyhill.org/">Harmony Hill. </a><br /><br />I posted about this retreat center awhile back. And just this past week, attended the 3 day breast cancer retreat. It is just too much to post about here. But I can tell you this. After 2 years of slowly changing, adapting, and getting lost in the woods, this was the trail of crumbs leading back out and back into the world.<br /><br />So I am going to post just this for now, if you or a loved one are experiencing any issues surrounding cancer it is worth every second of your time to check this place out. Retreats for cancer are offered FREE of charge. Even if you are from out of town (and there were several people in that category), this place is worth the plane ticket and then some. If you are local to it, all the better.<br /><br />I have yet to experience a place in this cancer journey where I felt 110% completely supported, understood, nurtured, quietly looked after with such a respect, NO patronization, no pity, no fear. If you are on this journey, or have completed it, this is a place to truly heal.<br /><br />They do more than cancer retreats, (the rest of the programs are for a fee to help support the cancer retreats) so it is worth a look for anyone reading this. But if you feel inclined to give this holiday season, please consider supporthing this amazing program/place.<br /><br />I feel peaceful and rejuvenated and hopeful that I can handle this journey once more. The resources, faculty, participants and the all that went on there feels cleared away the cluttered collecting in my mind/psyche/energy/heart and reminded me what quiet strength is all about. <br /><br />My take home lesson, vulnerable and powerful are not opposing forces, but required attributes that happen simultaneously. I have learned to be more gentle with myself, and others, and in doing so, my power stores are restored.<br /><br />Thank you to all the participants who might read this one day. <br /><br />Please consider supporting this organization to make this program accessible to ALL people. Medical debt runs high in the cancer world, making this program out of reach if it were to be a fee program. By donating, you will allow cancer survivors (and that is ANYONE touched by cancer), a chance to do healing on a deep level. Thank you.<br /><br /><object width="640" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/seDPat9f004&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/seDPat9f004&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="390"></embed></object><br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-81711846022392540352010-09-20T18:13:00.000-07:002010-09-20T18:16:10.446-07:00The Shortest Update - GuarenteedChemo - fine<br />side-effects - not so bad<br />daughter - 7, securely in 1st grade<br />weather - windy<br />inner cheerleader - slightly annoying with the jump kicks, but helpful<br />big girl britches - securely fastened<br /><br />Cancer - 0 Life - 1<br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-36964317946947688972010-09-17T20:31:00.000-07:002010-09-17T20:31:59.120-07:00Hereafter - Trailer (HD)<object style="background-image: url("http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/Pvgm0lgZwo8/hqdefault.jpg");" width="480" height="295"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Pvgm0lgZwo8?fs=1&hl=en_US"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Pvgm0lgZwo8?fs=1&hl=en_US" allowscriptaccess="never" allowfullscreen="true" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="480" height="295"></embed></object><br /><br />Wow. Thank you Clint Eastwood. Thank you.<br /><br />Jenna<br />(who is living life, not writing about it at the moment)Jennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-13558501562290629042010-08-11T20:41:00.000-07:002010-08-11T20:48:45.294-07:00Your Semi-Coherent Overview of Restarting ChemoDon't say I didn't warn you:<br /><br />Okay, Day 1, 3rd time on Abraxane in conjunction with the continuing biotherapies (Herceptin, Tykerb, Zometa). Cancer counts not tooooo high, but not staying put down low. So, without alarm, we restarted today. I kind of thought it was a joke, and it would just go away. Denial.<br /><br />So here is the short short version:<br /><br />I managed to do this with a great deal of CALM, a tinge of sad, a swig of "but I don't wanna be left out of life again dammit" and then onward to be a big girl and take my medicine.<br /><br />(If anyone wants to design a "get your big girl panties on" tshirts like Soma and friends did for the Breast Cancer 3 Day, that would rock)<br /><br />Not tooooo bad. Definetly got the chemo cocktail today. Went from feeling vibrant, to feeling like I took a good dose YUCK. But at the end of the day, not tooooo bad. Wondering how to traverse this time round.<br /><br />I just have a general calm. Did my life stabilize after a year? Woah.<br /><br />Cool. Take the "long view" as someone I know says often.<br /><br />Night,<br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-85117412986558926282010-08-07T18:52:00.000-07:002010-08-07T19:02:41.846-07:00Changing Habits<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TF4QLrxYlbI/AAAAAAAAAqg/hZW4iqG42xc/s1600/buddha.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 194px; height: 258px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TF4QLrxYlbI/AAAAAAAAAqg/hZW4iqG42xc/s200/buddha.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5502853587607786930" border="0" /></a><br />So this is a edited blog entry, originally posted on an amazing Metastatic Breast Cancer board. We were talking about "Are we doing enough?" and about making changes in our lives to support as healthy a lifestyle as possible.<br /><br />There is a myth about Met. BC. That we die, quickly, and all we think about is death, and we live miserable lives because of death.<br /><br />Uhm, n-o.<br /><br />These women thrive WHILE going through sometimes, often times, brutual treatments. I have met many a women now who are going through this 5, 8, 10, 12, 18 years!!!!!!!!!!! Not 2. Sorry. Nope.<br /><br />And the key on this board, between living in fear, and thriving is making positive changes that enhance our immune systems, and turn victim into warrior-goddesses. Someone recently said we were like sticks and twigs, all woven together, creating an unbreakable nest in which we can heal safely.<br /><br />--------------------------------------<br /><br />Tthere is a system in Health Psychology about the stages of change. We had to study this thing UP AND DOWN AND ALL AROUND.<br /><br />Basically, it looks like a spiral staircase. Along it are:<br />No feelings of desiring change at the beginning all the way to an integrated "no thinking" involved new habit.<br /><br />But instead of a staircase, it is like a slide. As we progress through the stages (from no desire, to "hmm, maybe I could feel better", to researching, to attempting to change, to full integration) we will ALWAYS backslide at some point down the spiral.<br /><br />And this is where Pema Chodron comes in about loving kindness. I am re-reading her book "When things Fall Apart". So much more poignant this time 'round. I was just reading the section on meditation. (or in any conscious work we do)...where we can see ourselves for who we TRULY are, and when we fall out of alignment with our purpose (such as meditation and thinking) we simple observe ourselves/actions/thoughts without judgement and label them ("thinking, eating sugar, self-loathing - or whatever your break from alignment there is) and then simple choose to refocus our attentions on what we are CREATING (health digestion, healthly self image, etc).<br /><br />Maitri is what it is called. The act of loving kindness. We can do it with no one else until we can do this with our own journey. AND it is the key to moving yourself back upward on the spiral to positive change.<br /><br />I can't help but just send KEEKS (actual name changed) so much love for her earnestness and her honesty on her journey. For some of us the journey is about food and coming to peace with it (or into alignment with what is wellbeing for us), for some of us, it is about letting go of feelings of unworthiness that pollute our bloodstream with chemicals that cancer loves, most likely, as in ANY human journey, it is all of the above. And at different points in our lives, it is about different issues as we do become conscious beings.<br /><br />And that is what this board is all about for me. A privileged to sit in a sacred circle with other women who are understanding this journey on a conscious level (even when we fall asleep to ourselves momentarily).<br />--------------------------------------------------<br /><br />In-Joy<br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-79370153753518860112010-07-23T17:14:00.000-07:002010-07-23T17:18:11.045-07:00Okay, breaking the silence with this. THANKS MEL! :)<br /><br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/TeeINzl9YL0&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xd0d0d0&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/TeeINzl9YL0&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xd0d0d0&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" width="640" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br />And life is coming full circle and to a better place all around. Not without it's learning curve, but none the less, a freedom. And I feel this way, having to return to chemo and all. I think I am learning from mistakes (or life lemons). Rough week, full of every possible mistake, yet I knew there was wisdom in this and waited it out with a few tears and got the "ooooooh, I get it!" message of the week.<br /><br />Hope anyone reading this is in good health and good spirits,<br />With Love, always In-Joy<br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-63414674008910897452010-07-02T10:25:00.000-07:002010-07-02T10:27:51.097-07:00Getting Oriented after ChemotherapyThe ebb and flow of long term disease treatment is, well, disorienting! (In case you've not been reading...being disoriented has been huge the last couple of months). So I took a break.<br /><br />And I wrote this:<br /><br />The Blessed Fool<br /><br />Oh, the blessed lucky fool!<br />Who can stop along her pathway<br />Turn her dirty face toward the dusty path behind,<br />And see!<br />Thorny briars, painfully crossed,<br />Shredded clothes snagged and torn,<br />And the sole worn shoes long ago discarded...<br />And Realize her nakedness,<br />Save for her ruby ring,<br />and laugh.<br /><br />Finding my way slowly, patiently, compassionately and sometime frustratingly... :)<br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-79481683562000185252010-06-23T02:52:00.000-07:002010-06-23T13:06:44.304-07:00It all hit me...and then..........<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TCHfskuJg3I/AAAAAAAAAqQ/3TSERy2Vyww/s1600/hiding.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 171px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TCHfskuJg3I/AAAAAAAAAqQ/3TSERy2Vyww/s400/hiding.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485911777978450802" border="0" /></a><br />It is <span style="font-style: italic;">Time</span>...I have to admit to it, I just want to be like this child and hide under my covers for a few weeks. Let all this pain and disorientation pass. But I get ahead of myself. Let me start here:<br /><br />I have been having a tough time lately. My POWERHOUSE through method is failing me (duh!). I would LOVE to be impenetrable to life's curve balls, and be shiny ALL the time. I tend to hide and be quiet and not let people know when the sour of life's lemons has just been too much. And I want to hide under the covers and just pray and cry and hope someone will save me. I know, life doesn't work that way. We lean on each other, we help each other along, but it, in the end, is YOUR decision as to what you do about it. How do you traverse the "I've had too much, my nerves are shot, and I just want to cry and drink red wine on some Tuscany hillside town." Oh, right.....life says "not right now!". So what then?<br /><br />I don't share EVERYTHING here, because I want to protect the privacy of those around me. I decided to put MY journey up, not expose others journeys. But I can say this... I have been battling with the the loss of my identity. I think many long term cancer patients, chronic pain patients, or any other variety of life altering events, can attest to this feeling anywhere on a scale of 1 to 10. I am about a 9.<br /><br />To save my life, I have had to be tossed in a blender , and the "chop" button hit several times. In between blade churning, there was a dash of body acidic chemicals here, and new drug chemical there, take that body part out there, oh and that one too, strip as much estrogen as humanly possibly from hormonal make up, and rearrange my neural synaptic make up, and add a dose of pain relieving radiation there (thank god!).......... and in the middle of it, rearrange my entire life (home, marriage, work, home again,)....pour into chilled glass and serve.<br /><br />For the first time in a life....I hit the proverbial brick wall. Or as Paul Simon wrote "believing I had supernatural powers, I slammed into a brick wall". My old bag of tricks isn't working....(No Yoga, music outlet, or flavor of Ben and Jerry's is touching "it"). I know I need a new plan. I need to accept my new "new". But how?<br /><br />It is scary. I did what I had to do to get through this year. I have been told that I am one tough broad as they say. Yet my body and soul are telling me they are raw, desperately in need of the attention I gave my cancer cells. I need to give equal attention to my mind/soul as well....and NOW. They need a break from the life altering stresses. But how? I can't travel the world...or climb a new mountain peek. I can't sit in a monastery for a month and chant and pray. This mountain that looks like Everest, I am sure is more like the foothills of Everest, but it feels none the less, like I might need some help.<br /><br />Today, I called out to friends and said "HELP! Something just isn't right here! This isn't ME! Something is off!"<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TCHiqPfVGjI/AAAAAAAAAqY/h2pL9y1SJSQ/s1600/ituptoyou.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 247px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TCHiqPfVGjI/AAAAAAAAAqY/h2pL9y1SJSQ/s400/ituptoyou.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485915036454296114" border="0" /></a><br /><br />At the moment. I feel like a cartoon character who, after a good smack to the head, has all those swirly stars and loopy eyes. But it is abating, and my sight is slowly refocusing. My friends dusted off my dirty face, swept away the stars and tears from my eyes, stopped my head spinning (I just can't get Daffy Duck, with his spinning beak out of my mind). Now it is up to me. Thank you dear dear friends. Count this girl lucky and blessed to be loved unconditionally.<br /><br />So, now I can really hear my body, my soul, and my mind are truly disoriented. I can hear them calling out to STOP.... get rest, rejuvenate...but was at a loss as to how!<br /><br />Then I came across this blog entry from 100 Days in Bed..... <a href="http://100daysinbed.blogspot.com/2010/06/you-can-get-on-other-side_1254.html">a brillant tidbit</a>. She post it on the <a href="http://my.crazysexylife.com/">Crazy Sexy Life website</a>. Hitting your brick wall? Wondering how to get back up without drastic life altering changes? She is BRILLANT. My whole point of this post is to get you to her site. These images are from that site.....says it all.<br /><br />I will leave this to you to <a href="http://100daysinbed.blogspot.com/2010/06/you-can-get-on-other-side_1254.html">go to her site </a>and read. I won't re-post it here, because she deserves to have her feisty site of "There is another side....and you will get there! I did!" blog be visited in its own right. Please do so!<br /><br />All I will say is, "Week One, Day One......" Don't know what that means....read her blog. Thank you adventure girl. Writer of comedy, and savior to those battling life's lemons.<br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-15655191960656041092010-06-12T13:48:00.000-07:002010-06-12T14:10:02.995-07:00A Few AWWWWESOME Retreats for Cancer Survivors<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TBP3hSWuKSI/AAAAAAAAAqI/_ivzK4sJZpg/s1600/retreat.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 208px; height: 159px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/TBP3hSWuKSI/AAAAAAAAAqI/_ivzK4sJZpg/s400/retreat.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5481997322674907426" border="0" /></a><br />So, I am in a bit desperate need of respite from all that has transpired last year. While a few choice pharmaceutical and herbal options have calmed my frayed nerves to think straight again, I am going in for the deeeeeep quiet I need. In my searching for a place to rest my mind and heart, these resources came to me. Thought I would share.<br /><br />1)<a href="http://www.harmonyhill.org/">Harmony Hill</a> - This is already on my list. Across the streets for the Hood Canal, this center is for people experiencing their cancer journeys. It boast two FREE retreats. A One Day retreat ...and a Three Day Retreat...for FREE. Lodging and all. If you are under the care of an oncologist, you may do personal retreats for $80. And the accommodations are hands down the nicest I have seen for this price. You can even bring a caregiver along for the free retreats as well. For those without cancer effecting them, they offer PAID retreats. These support their free cancer program.<br /><br />2)<a href="http://www.doebay.com/">Doe Bay</a> - a non cancer specific retreat center. Anyone can go there. And in the summer months, indeed they do. This is rustic retreat center on Orcas Island.... with a twist. From campsites, to yurts, to rustic cabins, to fancy cabins with full kitchens, baths, electricity....eat in the cafe, or use the guest kitchen. There is a guest bath, kitchen, yoga studio, cafe, general store, boathouse, soaking hot tubs, stages, gardens, etc.....<br /><br />3)<a href="http://www.bcrecovery.org/schedule/">Breast Cancer Recovery</a>: This is specific to breast cancer, and not the Northwest. Retreats to revive to soul. See the link for more info.<br /><br />4)<a href="http://www.kidsncancer.org/kc/about.html">Kids N Cancer</a> - this is child specific...for children "afflicted with cancer". It is Greek Orthadox based and I don't know too much about it. But it was mentioned to me recently and thought I would pass it along....<br /><br />There is so much more......but this is a start.........send your suggestions and ideas.<br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-34272420809240601572010-05-24T09:52:00.000-07:002010-05-24T10:00:13.471-07:00A TouchstoneI am going through a phase of disorientation. I am realizing that I am not just going to pick up where I left off. That life doesn't fit anymore. My body is different, my life is different, and most of all, my perspective is different. So I went back to this poem I wrote at the onset. I feel like I have aged 30 years since then, not 2 years. I realize I am not going to be picking up right where I left off, and I don't know I want to...it would be like a 50 year old making decisions on their life and minds when they were 18. But the truth underlying this poem is still real. <br /><br />I am not a disease.<br />I think of disease more as a verb, not a noun or an adjective because it is transit as all disease is. It has a beginning, middle and end.<br />It is just a stop along my way that will teach me and transform me.<br />It will fall away, and become my past and inform my choices in the future.<br />But all that matters is Now.<br />When I let fear in, I remind myself that all that matters is Now.<br />My fear is usually not of anything present,<br />but what I fear might transpire.<br />So I return to the moment I am in.<br />And the truth usually is:<br />Now, my heart is beating.<br />Now, my body is tired.<br />Now, it is full of energy<br />Now, I am in intense pain.<br />Now I am free of pain.<br />Now I rejoice in the beautiful energy of life.<br />When I fear what isn't there,<br />I lose my moment to live Now.<br />That is all we have.<br />Moment to moment.<br />That was true before anybody named my form of disease.<br />We all have our own brand.<br />Sometimes, someone naming a passing disease,<br />just brings that reality of NOW into acute awareness.<br />We can use that intense awareness of "all we have is now"<br />like a salve to heal any disease we have in our minds and spirits-<br />and thus return some strength to our bodies.<br />Pain, illness, disease are part of life,<br />suffering is optional.<br />That is true, even when I forget it.<br />Please remember this,<br />I am so much more than a disease.<br /><br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-26540764078085763302010-05-20T10:02:00.000-07:002011-06-05T07:07:35.347-07:00A New Chapter - Tykerb Works!For the past month, I have been given the reprieve from chemo. One because I hit the wall and was feeling so ill I couldn't walk around my home. But also, the effectiveness of the Tykber/Herceptin mix has been I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E. In December, things were looking shaky. Abraxane really wasn't turning it around like it had before. But once Tykerb was introduce it has just been like the cancer for the most part, was turned off. 800 point drop in cancer markers in one month. I was over 1,000, last count 67 and holding. 35 is "normal".<br /><br />That being said, during this month while on the chemo break, I had the PET/CT to see what was going on inside. And apparently, not much. Some tumors shrunk from 3cm to .5 and are inactive. Most of them are very quiet or inactive!<br /><br />So we are holding course. No more chemo (Abraxane). We are so impressed with how well the Tykerb (a biological therapy - which targets only cancer cells and disables them), that we are going to let it do its work without the chemo. Herceptin (another biological) and Zometa (for the bones) will stay in place as well. Which means, I won't feel like a mac truck hit me!<br /><br />Please keep up the prayers. It is typical for cancer at this stage to find it way around the therapies eventually. There are two more promising ones coming down the pipe. Or, that I just get my body to do the work for itself and turn off that cancer for good.<br /><br />Life all around is stabilizing after a very tough year. For all the friends who didn't hear from me, you were in my thoughts. It just got that bad. I had to pull in like a turtle and let the healing happen. Within myself, my family, and our lives.<br /><br />I was ready for anything yesterday. I had a peace. And that piece is still there. I am looking forward to gearing up to start working creatively again at first. Getting some writing and art going, helping my brother with his up and coming BRILLANT website for travel, and being with my daughter, and music, music, music...and a few walks on the beach..<br /><br />I can't believe this year that past. But wow, what a good place it has brought us all to now.<br /><br /><br />Blessings,<br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-17711782458593902062010-04-27T13:43:00.001-07:002011-06-05T07:11:01.335-07:00Listening to the Rain, the stream, the birdsYou might think, three weeks off chemo, that I would be throwing myself head first into "catching up" and trying to do everything I haven't been able to do. That is Jenna of yester-year (how is that for snazzy linguistics). But I knew going in, and with a good reminder from my physical therapy, and one day of pushing it too far, that this time of definite pause in chemo, would be a time of recharging burnt out batteries, brushing off dust, moving atrophied muscle and eating well while the tummy could take it. So far, I have stuck to that. My self defined goal, was to get my mojo back, plug into my sources of strength, hope, and recharge, and not go Type A on myself.<br /><br />And honestly, it is a bit disorienting. This year has brought tremendous stressors, tremendous change, and tremendous healing that crisis can bring if you allow. I have stared at my own demons this past few months. Those being feeling scared of being unable to care for my own body, not being fit or flexible, not being constantly in the flow of "life" (I learned my misconception there). I do not understand how one month ago, I could barely walk, was swelling with fluids that prevented clothes from fitting, and fighting like a girl on a mission depressive feelings from pain....and somehow, off chemo for awhile, dancing around, singing, feeling that connection to the flow of nature, warm hearted. I feel almost stunned.<br /><br />But that re-entry into "the world" is different than re-entry into "life". The two are SO easily mixed up. In our society, it is take take take, go go go, busy busy busy, improve yourself improve yourself improve yourself. It is insane once you step out of that chaos, to see how hard we push ourselves and what we value. I never really lost the connection to "life" just the "world".<br /><br />I was describing to my dear friend this week, how exquisite going to drop my daughter off was now. EXQUISITE. I am in love that with word now. Because inside it, there is joy, and bittersweetness, and the understanding that things are fleeting. Somedays I didn't even get out of the car,and just watch the cherry blossoms fall on sidewalks where children giggled and pranced with lunchboxes in tow. I watched some parents walk with purpose, some ran with their children playfully, other parents marched in a stressed "I am late for my work" pace, thinking they were keeping their stress in check. I loved the sun on me, the gentle wind, the rhythm of the life of the world.<br /><br />For the first time this week, I managed to visit a friend outside my home. Walked Alki looking for beach glass, sitting on a log catching up, watching dark low clouds give way to sun and back again. EXQUISITE.<br /><br />I have learned my fears (being seen all bloated and semi-eyebrowless is one of them - sad maybe, but true), but overcoming them and sitting in my PJ's with a friend collaging and going from chattiness to quiet and back. (No, still can go out in my PJ's yet).<br /><br />All I care about right now, is family, friends, and health. To have a chance to be connected again, in the flow of LIFE, not in the hectic pace of the world, is indeed EXQUISITE. I spend the day garnering energy to give to those three things.<br /><br />Today, I sat on my porch, drinking tea, eating strawberries, watching birds, bunnies, and deer. I danced for exercise, sang for joy, and phoned friends and family. I grocery shopped with a particular LOVE of the farmers in our area, noticed the rhubarbs brillant hue, thanked the deli worker for a lovely sample of stuffed bell peppers, and bought the colors of the valley in tulips. I even did the bills in peace (sometimes, seeing a $93,000 fee for ONE service at the hospital scares me, but also makes me extremely grateful for how much money people are sinking into keeping me around - and insurance to curb the cost). I have good happy energy for Kara when she returns. Most likely for games and Harry Potter reading. Hopefully a good dinner.<br /><br />And that is my day. Wow. You might think "ordinary". YEP. :) Exactly. Exquisite.<br /><br />Be Well, In-Joy<br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-70885642305922449352010-04-22T12:25:00.000-07:002010-04-22T12:32:29.333-07:00HeartMath to reduce Stress/Pain/Anxiety<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/S9CjfUFXxyI/AAAAAAAAAp4/YROoUBx40vU/s1600/MEDITATION.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 246px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_7i4Xn5Vollo/S9CjfUFXxyI/AAAAAAAAAp4/YROoUBx40vU/s320/MEDITATION.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5463046106362922786" border="0" /></a><br />I just took a <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">nice</span> break and did a program my therapist suggested called HeartMath. It is <span style="font-weight: bold;">so</span> cool. I preface this post with I am not affiliated with the company, I am not a salesperson, or get commission...although it is going to sound like I am because I love it so much!<br /><br />She used this program for her family, and in her practice to help clients with anxiety issues. When I was talking to her about my pain levels, and how hard it was to try to meditate through the pain and even hit that "calm and balanced" feeling, she suggested I try out a program called HeartMath. She let me try it in her office.<br /><br />What it does: It is a computer program, that uses a device that clips to your finger or ear, and monitors some basic physiological indicators of stress vs. "coherence" states. It gives you visual feedback to let you know if you are in a low/med/high state of coherence (calm and balanced). You have different options for trying to achieve that state, and also on getting the feedback of tracking.<br /><br />You can go it on your own, and do your own techniques, or you can use one of their "games" to help. Either way, you get feedback on how well you are hitting a "coherent" state. You can try to chill using one of their visualization games ( ie., the rainbow game, where a rainbow grows over a mountain sky scene as long as you hit the coherent state and you reach the pot of gold, the whole time birds fly, flowers sway in accordance to your arousal state), or you can follow the light on the finger monitor (red,blue, green) or watch the more medical type screen with just bar graphs, lines, etc...<br /><br />I haven't hit such a deep state of relaxation in a long time, besides when I do yogic chanting or go to my hypnotherapist. But to be at home and just "drop" into that state....ahhhhhhhh (deep breath out). I haven't been able to do that in a long time now.<br /><br />What is cool about this, is I have tried various methods and it has helped me find which method really works the best, quickest, and longest. The results were surprising!<br /><br />If you are dealing with anxiety, or pain, I highly recommend this program! Again, I don't sell it, or get commission.<br /><br />My background is in health psychology...this is exactly what we studied. I have an extensive background in yoga, and meditation as well. And this is by far, the most accessible program for mainstream use. I used to get the same results from meditation, but all the meds and pain have really frustrated that effort.<br /><br />Here is the website. To get set up is pricey, but worth it. My therapist got the okay from HeartMath to share her copy, so I didn't have to buy it, just to piece that hooks up to my ear/finger.<br /><br />I have also suggested it to several of my college buddies who have gone on to counseling/therapy work.<br /><br />This is going up in my suggestions column on the side bar..... Weeeeew. Nice.<br /><br />http://www.heartmath.com/personal-growth/overview.html<br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8334087840756961102.post-40515732668817167642010-04-21T16:16:00.000-07:002010-04-21T16:27:40.819-07:00But what does it all mean?Hear those crickets chirping. I have neglected this blog a lot this past couple of months. At first it was because I was soooooooooo stinkin' tired. And in pain. But the past couple of weeks saw a reprieve from chemo because my numbers were so low and I was so hitting the wall with side effects. But I just was given another three weeks off completely. I don't even have to go in for Herceptin, because I got a three week dose this past Monday, along with my monthly Zometa. And that gives me THREE weeks. Wew.<br /><br />In the meantime, we are going to do a PET/CT scan to peek inside and see what is going on. Tumor markers can sometimes be misleading. My doc said she doesn't expect to find much (?) Not sure what she meant by that. But I will leave it at that and just wait and see.<br /><br />One doctor describe my markers pattern as "the cancer appears to be inactive". Now some of you got very excited by this, I am too. But I thought I would clarify a few points. I am on a break because I was hitting a wall with side effects....and the numbers are so low...not normal, but low. The cancer being inactive doesn't mean it is gone, it just means it doesn't appear to be actively working. So I very well probably have dormant tumors in there still. This is still all incredible news, great spot, but just not "remission" or "all clear".<br /><br />And that is just the way it is at this stage. Some of you say "When your done with all this...." uhm, there is no "done". I could have a miraculous spontaneous remission, and I am ALL for that. <br /><br />As they told me up front, "We no longer see this as a deadly disease at this stage, but a chronic illness, like diabetes. You never really get "over" diabetes, but you can manage it. And sometimes that management goes better at certain times. However, the management, all the drugs, are still very very very tiring. I was about ready to walk away from it, because I was SO in pain and tired from the treatment itself. But luckily, I get a break and we get to regroup.<br /><br />And that is the long and short of it right now. And I WILL take it.<br /><br />If anyone still reads this blog, wow....thanks for sticking in there. I was really too tired, and in pain to really write. But ahhhhhhh, a second wind. Amen.<br /><br />JennaJennahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01239536552508773726noreply@blogger.com1