JENNA'S JOURNEY of HEALING

Ellise Sweet Potato Science Experiment

2011-09-28T17:25:00.000-07:00

I don't really have anything to add. Pretty straightforward. Chew on that. Or not if it isn't organic.

Jenna

2011-09-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

This is a workshop I am beginning to offer again here in Myrtle Beach, SC. This is another saving grace that keep me afloat of the all the cancer stuff. It takes me out of the physical aspect of what is going on that can be disorienting, and places me back into my core. That part of all of us have that cannot be broken or changed, even when our lives do. Enjoy! I will post a video by the founder of Soul Collage(c) and an example of my work. You can also find more by looking up Chimaera Creations on Facebook.

The card below was formed and came to me as a way of understanding the psychic and physical aspects of some parts of my breast cancer journey:

"I am the one who has electrifying potential resting deep inside my womb, protected from the onslaught of the chemicals and changes. I am the One Who feels aged and wizened, but I hold rebirth in my grasp, awaiting its moment. I am bound by their laws. I am in danger of turning to stone from the stranglehold fear can place on you. I am the One Who has protection while these changes occur. I am wise. I am wise."

Ric Elias: 3 things I learned while my plane crashed | Video on TED.com

2011-09-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

Wonderful short talk on gaining perspective from life threatening circumstances. And here is our hope to you, that you don't need to be in a plane crash, or have chemo dripping into your body, to gain that perspective. Let us who've broken the ice with the prow of our ship do that for you. It makes what we go through worth it:

Ric Elias: 3 things I learned while my plane crashed | Video on TED.com

Parenting Support and the Cancer Journey

2011-09-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

I just dropped the kiddo off at school. I am rather tired today, but I have been here before. And I have so much emotional grieving going on, that it is adding to the fatigue feeling. But that is why living near/with dependable people who are willing to drive her to school is so I import t. Just knowing I have these resources makes me breathe easier, only once have I asked. However this is the key to cancer journeys and especially to parents with cancer.....reliable, dependable, loving support.

When you know you have it, I swear it makes it all easier. I think without it, I would feel much more ill and unable to do as much as I do. Just knowing I can make a call, or knock on a door, and I can say "chemo is treating me meeeeeeean today". Yet again, because I know it is there, I am more able to do it on my own. Just knowing someone out there is watching and can say "you sure, we are here".

If I am too self absorbed, and so internal the past few months with all the changes, I just want to stop and publicly say "THANK YOU". Anytime you've ever offered or said yes, thank you! That one act of acknowledgement of the struggles that can pop up is enough to hold me up for weeks.

Any parent needs this, any single parent requires this, and it is vital when any illness affecting the lives of parents. It is also such a hard line for both sides. Those watching sometimes want to help, but don't know when it is intrusive or inappropriate. Often times, the person with the chronic illness knows the impact it has on the lives of those arou d them the most, and worry about overbearing on those closest. Yet somehow within this dance, it all works out.

I once had a friend, who is an amazing DOER, always up front of the charge for someone in need. She said one day to me, "I wish I could get this kind of help!". It was rather telling how isolated we've become, with families splintered. However many toes you might accidentally step on, asking for help is usually the hardest part. I HATE it. I am self sufficient. I am capable. Oh no, I am still those things most times, but I am forced to be vulnerable one. Forced to ask for help, when I would rather eat slugs. Hahaha. But I have floundered in my attempts at times, because usually when I need it the most, I am the "not myself". It throws people off. But I am learning, sometimes painfully, but I am learning.

So, the topics....support when parenting with cancer? How do you balance? I know there were a few readers who had cancer and children. Would you be willing to add to the discussion? How did you manage during your course of treatment? For those with chronic conditions, how do you manage without burning people out? Please, if you will, let your coping methods be known, it will help others. My traffic is spiking to 80 readers a day. So I know your out there...come and join the discussion!

One very tired, but making it work today mamma,
Jenna

Anyone know how to add pictures on the iPad. I can only use the HTML eature to write, not compose. And the buttons don't seem to work. Any idea? Thanks!

New Book about Harmony Hill Cancer Retreat Center

2011-08-17T07:14:00.000-07:00

Over the winter, I was interviewed for a book about those who have had the honor of attending a retreat at Harmony Hill. I am simply going to post the information from the website. When I was asked to be interviewed, I simply thought it was for some quick one sentence blurb to be posted on the website. I had no idea it was all this. I am beyond honored. Gretchen, the visionary founder of this center, is amazing, if I could carry myself through life with her humble, grounded, and graceful way, even 1/10 of it, I would consider it a life well lived. The center is am amazing extension of her vision, and energy. I will say it again - GO - or DONATE. Read on....

One Hill, Many Voices: Stories of Hope and Healing
$27.05

NOW AVAILABLE FOR ORDER!

Harmony Hill’s newest book One Hill, Many Voices: Stories of Hope and Healing by Donna Cameron and Kristen Leathers. While cancer is central to a number of the stories told in One Hill, Many Voices: Stories of Hope and Healing, they are really about living authentically. Along with the picturesque background of Harmony Hill we are introduced to individuals who reconnected with their own lives and accessed their own inner wisdom and healing. Woven among the individual stories of hope, healing and homecoming is the story of one woman, Gretchen Schodde, whose vision and perseverance made Harmony Hill a reality. These illuminating stories about real people in real situations remind us all that living our lives on purpose is our true work.

Order your copy today! Copies will be available for pick up about August 20th at Harmony Hill Retreat Center or will be mailed the week of August 22nd.

$24.95 plus tax for pick-up at Harmony Hill (notice will be sent for date for pick-up availability)
$24.95 plus tax ($5 for shipping & handling per copy) sent media mail to recipient week of August 22nd

Price: $27.05

-------------------------------

Now I haven't prescreened this, I am not sure how much was published from our interview, but the interview was extensive! And the writer delightful.

Once again, if your in Washington state, or Washington D.C., and going through, or assisting someone through their cancer experience, now, or 20 years ago, this place is worth going to for a retreat. Amazing, powerful, respectful...I can go on and on. Life Changing....definitely.

Your Toolbox for Centering

2011-08-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

You guys have been shy in the past, with comments or answers.... but I KNOW you know some pretty deep stuff, and I am going to coax you out with a question of the week:

First, let me grease the wheels, and get you thinking:

Very recently, my life changed totally, almost overnight. (I know I know, this is a blog that began with a cancer diagnosis, isn't that life changing enough....apparently not, when you are truly trying to heal completely).

This recent event, had to do with things I cannot, nor do not think are appropriate to talk about here. And it doesn't' matter, one trauma is the same as another to someones body. Trauma It doesn't differentiate.

So....my daughter and I have had all this life changing, life challenging circumstances, that can make me feel at times I have to have all the answers NOW, or said trauma will occur again. This, is ...silly. However, sometimes it feels like running from a tidal wave with your kid in tow. You run, in survival mode.

While I try to remind myself that particular tidal wave is behind me, I will sometimes wake up forgetting this. Sometimes, it can be triggered be a very real dream where I am reliving the running from the wall of water, that makes me wake up with that "I can't catch my breath" feeling.

Now, here is some interesting Health Psychology babble: When we don't breathe, for whatever reason, our physiology changes, our blood acidifies from lack of oxygen, and in turn, creates more anxiety. That anxiety, tightens our diaphragm, which makes it harder to breathe, which makes the blood more acidic, which heightens the feeling of anxiety...and the loop goes on and on. (end Health Psych lecture).

Well...today, I woke up running from the wall of water like dream, with aforementioned feeling of lacking oxygen. Now, I know where this can go and would prefer a better start to my day. So, I popped open this website, passed along by one of the most brilliant people I know. Do As One. This site is dedicated to the practice of conscious breathing.

Instead of starting my day in an instant state of anxiety, I instead turn the running from the tidal wave feeling into a gentle walk next to a brook and so my day goes....knock on wood...oh so peacefully, challenges and all.

Now, this is my question for you:
What is one resource you can share here, to help others. Someone shared the Breathe As One website with me. It has helped me so many times. Now it will help you. So pay it forward...

What is ONE tip, trick,or tool you use for grounding yourself when your emotions start to go beyond informative, and useful?
How do you CENTER, when your life pulls you to be emotionally wobbly?

Rip, Curl, Repeat

2011-08-02T21:41:00.001-07:00

So I have been waiting for this little big movie called Soul Surfer to come out on DVD. I get this kid, in some ways, in many. She lost on arm. You may be overcoming a chemo drugs side effects that took down your way of life (for now), or trying to get your head above the waterline of an abusive relationship, or finding your way home after being lost, for whatever reason, divorce, economic hardships, accidents. The is a WHOLE HOST of learning opportunities we place before ourselves that permanently alter the WAY we live. And I do, it can really feel oppressive, and never-ending, but it is going to end, there is an end to the pain, the suffering AND the triumphs and the good times.

And this movie lived up to expressing the answer to the questions from others, or the questions I pose to the Supreme Being: "WHAT just happened? WHY did it happen? WHEN will it end? HOW am I going to get there?" and the good ole "You sure you think lil ole ME can do this?!"

(To that last question, it is usually on a day when feel like one ole measly twig that can break under all the pressure. And to which I can totally hear my daughter saying, "Yeah, but then you'll have two things to lean on for support instead of one.")

Right now, I am coming back up into my strength after a close brush when dying, and having to start all over....I ask these questions a lot. And yes, I cry sometimes, deeply, wondering if God got this right. Me? Suppose to get through all of this? And then I look around and realize I am not at all cornered on the market for "lots of tough stuff to deal with....".

My take home message: YOU probably haven't been the only one down a similar path. Yes, your path is indeed unique to you. However, fear, overcoming, pain, triumph....thank God God didn't only give those answers to gurus, and the people writing Self Help books. It pretty much is all around.

Look to someone else's journey, and ask yourself what did they do. Don't judge or measure yourself to against them. See what they did when they hit the proverbial brick wall and, even if you don't feel it to be true, try it on for size.

My favorite, the ancient, time test and approved by most major religions, self-help books, and Oprah, is the "take it day by day" approach. Easy to use instructions built right in. :)

If you try to live more than today at a time, is when you become the biggest puddle heap of uselessness on the floor. It also CAN be a sneaky way out of being responsible for getting yourself out without having to face the fears that put you there on the floor - crying - with no Kleenex left. Think about it, if you said "I HAVE to be at the TOP of that MOUNTAIN - NOW or I am doomed to a hellish existence forever and ever with a scarlet 'LOSER' tattoed on my forehead so all anyone will see is how bad it was" - well, you wouldn't expect me to be able to do it.

But - when we break that journey down, to what is ONE step today? We can open our eyes, and try one new thing to get ourselves there moving, even if it is just zipping open the tent, pouring some coffee and talking to a mountaineer who has conquer that snowy behemoth in front of you. (Even if said expert had frostbite, and a missing finger, you still would probably trust that the journey is doable).

So don't break the path yourself. Find your inspiration. Take notes, make a Step One plan.

Oh, and that fear that has you on the ground. It can be your gift. If you have the courage to ask "Okay, so what if that fear IS true, what will happen? And then?" USUALLY it clears up how much fear of nothing we've carried along the journey with us. And TYPICALLY it is well meaning friends and family hanging their fears and baggage on you. Just compassionately, but most definitely, hand it back. Then at least, your only trying to carrying your load for the climb.

OH, but this is a surfer movie, nooot a climber movie...so I should switch back on my analgies and metaphors to water, and sharks, and one arms giants of Soul. Soul Surfer? Cute, slightly saccharine, but still totally true to this girl, this family, and what it takes to not be permanently in a state of fear.....

Blessings on the journey,
Jenna

Restarting and Revision

2011-07-01T23:47:00.001-07:00

Hello all! My you have been patient. To get responses STILL after such a long hiatus, I am honored.

And I am ready.

Suffice it to say, I was - busy. Healing. Putting straight my life and eliminating the chaos.

I can't talk too much about that. And this blog isn't about THAT stuff, anymore anyway.

But I do have a vision, and now that the proverbial chains have finally been lifted, and my energy can now go back into my LIFE and LIVING it, not surviving it again, I can turn my attention back here. The direction I have been hinting at moving this blog can finally come to pass. And oh the fun we shall have :)

Sharing knowledge. Giving to others what others gave to me to heal, it my focus here now. Soon, along the sidebar, you will start to see listing of my writings. Some from school, some from my own private collection.

Some will be reports from my schooldays relevant to today.
Some will be poetry.
Some will be meditations, both written and recorded for you to use immediately.
Some will be songs I have written for children, or spirit.
Some will be meditative chants I have learned to reach a affirmative meditative state.

All will have a little "donate" button, or suggested "donate" button.

For now, as always: Music! A repeat I believe, but SO appropriate for my life the last 2 years:

In hope, and joy, and gratitude.
Jenna

Healing Medicine

2011-03-03T22:12:00.001-08:00

If you can't get a smile in your heart from watching this....you have NO soul....

OH my oh my oh my!
Jenna

Re-emerging ...slowly

2011-02-22T09:03:00.000-08:00

I am touched at the number of people wondering about the status of this blog. I haven't abandoned this project/blog. I have just been in the state of deeeeeep adjustments. Fundamental life stuff, like the beams and posts of a building needing replacement. I am almost there. Almost there.

A beautiful new home, one I hope to stay in for a long long long time. I finally finally feel like I found my home in Seattle. Like someone plugged me back in. I've traded the quiet forests of the Cascades for the semi-city life of the waterfront. I love both. But this is the best of all worlds and I am charging up.

But still in adjustments. A lot of big fundamental changes. I will leave it at that.

I am also pondering the direction of this blog. I have batted around ideas. It's origins were to inform friends and family. But it is going way beyond that.

I have had requests for writings, books, etc for the past year, and wasn't in a position to write. But in this new place I have a desk, that peaks at the Puget Sound, Vashon Island, and the ferry going back and forth. The light is streaming in 100 year old windows, taller than me,

in every room. I miss the light of Arizona, this comes in a close second, making me wish I was a cat, that could curl up in the light on a rug and be done for the day.

But this space, the light, the new beginning is allowing room again for creative energy and my creative center, shut down too long, is starting to churn.

So this blog, I think, will be a catchall. It isn't going to be all about cancer, because my life is not all about cancer. My life is about who I am...and cancer is just this part of the journey.

I had the honor of being interviewed for a book recently. And she asked me what is it I want to say, while I have a platform to say anything, that could help someone going through a challenge in their life. And it all came back to what I was doing BEFORE I was diagnosed with the damndable little "c".

So that is what this blog is going to be about. Creating a toolbox for life's challenges so when the winds of change come, your center will ALWAYS be there. The core of WHO you are is unchanging. And life challenges, like cancer, try hard to make us forget and go into slumbers until the ache and discomfort of living out of alignment with ourselves calls us back to do the work. To unearth the "why did I come here to planet earth? What is my purpose?" starts to nag at us.

That was my work before my period of disorientation occured. I am not WHO I was before in so many ways. How I view the world has fundamentally changed. YET....WHO I am has not. What awakens my curiousity, challenges me to grow and expand, reconnects me to feeling a part of something greater than just ME....that has not changed.

And this blog will become my journey to remember that part of myself and in turn, to share what I have learned through my life.

This is the ONE thing I kept wanting to share during that interview...doing the work of knowing WHO you are at your core BEFORE life throws you for a loop, will help you recover, learn, and intergrate much more quickly. During these times of challenge, you can either adapt, learn and grow, or cave in, give up, and die before your dead. If your reading this blog, you are probably in the former group. Wanting to learn, challenge yourself, grow.

You will hear some of my cancer journey here. I will indeed post helpful links and what I have learned. I will also post writings, research papers from my Health Psychology school days, and things that inspire and interest the creative hearts.

Because, I am not cancer. It is a huge influence, challenge, and personal growth instigator in my life. I am not ignoring it. But it is time to share all over myself. Not just part. How I am "doing" updates are easy to get if you call, or write. If you don't know me personally, you will have to just know I am well enough to be writing, if I am, and that is all that matters.

I am going to get back to that paintbrush and yoga mat aspect of this blog now. ;)

Thanks for sticking with me during the break!
Jenna

Transitions

2010-12-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

Press Play first. Then read.

Hello all of you patient readers. If you still check back to this blog, I am grateful for your persistence. I believe the cycles of life ebb and flow, from external, to internal and back again. My recent year has become a very internal journey, and I consciously chose to pull back and tend to my life with a quieter, more contemplative personal time. Many choices, and transitions have been occurring and I believe when something truly valuable to you is in the "birthing" process, holding it close is called for while you make your decisions, take some baby steps, and then adjust.

I have plans to change the scope and content of this blog in very fundamental ways. It started as a way to keep many friends connected to the in's and out's of my personal stats. Chemo, no chemo. Test results, things people can do. But it has evolved beyond that now and so I am deliberating on what the next incarnation of this blog will be.

For now. The holidays. The spiral to the center of the year, and the time of a tiny flicker of light held within the darkest times. I can so relate.

Recently, I "ran into" the biography of the the life of someone I deeply identify with, and it only took diving back almost millennium to do it. I came across this 900 year old mystic nun, by "accident", when my body was breaking down from fatigue, and I took a day to be quiet, and recoup. And by "accident" learned about the life of Hildegarde of Bingen. She was a nun from Germany around 1100 AD.

This piece, which she composed, I can feel in my bones. One of my favorite things is music in the woods and singing in chant style. So I LOVE this version of Hildegarde. Our lives parallel in many ways, and I had never, ever heard of her before. She was a nun, mystic, scientists, artist, composer, a bit of a rebel, etc. She came close to death, after years of repressing her inner calling, and came out of it with visionary work. (May I follow her footsteps!!). I always joked I should've been some sort of Buddhist nun or monk if I hadn't followed the motherhood path. But maybe it is my Catholic Italian side that is calling me.

Eitherway, you didn't come here to get schooled on 900 year old rebel nuns. :)

Enjoy this beautiful piece, may it bring a moment of stillness in the hectic pace of the holidays.

See you next year!

(Added Feb 2011 - I've had the lovely opportunity to talk to Marisa herself. She is as lovely as these songs. She isn't coming to the US anytime soon, but I promised I would make sure a link to her site was up. If you find this music calls to you, go here www.marisa-music.com. It is available on CD or digital. For US readers, the digital is cheaper because of shipping, and kinder to the environment.)

Many Blessings,
Jenna

What does Harmony Hill have to do with Mojo?

2010-11-01T10:50:00.001-07:00

What a fun enigmatic start to a post, eh? But seriously, I found my center, got a chance to find myself again, and got re-inspired all in 3 days at Harmony Hill.

I posted about this retreat center awhile back. And just this past week, attended the 3 day breast cancer retreat. It is just too much to post about here. But I can tell you this. After 2 years of slowly changing, adapting, and getting lost in the woods, this was the trail of crumbs leading back out and back into the world.

So I am going to post just this for now, if you or a loved one are experiencing any issues surrounding cancer it is worth every second of your time to check this place out. Retreats for cancer are offered FREE of charge. Even if you are from out of town (and there were several people in that category), this place is worth the plane ticket and then some. If you are local to it, all the better.

I have yet to experience a place in this cancer journey where I felt 110% completely supported, understood, nurtured, quietly looked after with such a respect, NO patronization, no pity, no fear. If you are on this journey, or have completed it, this is a place to truly heal.

They do more than cancer retreats, (the rest of the programs are for a fee to help support the cancer retreats) so it is worth a look for anyone reading this. But if you feel inclined to give this holiday season, please consider supporthing this amazing program/place.

I feel peaceful and rejuvenated and hopeful that I can handle this journey once more. The resources, faculty, participants and the all that went on there feels cleared away the cluttered collecting in my mind/psyche/energy/heart and reminded me what quiet strength is all about.

My take home lesson, vulnerable and powerful are not opposing forces, but required attributes that happen simultaneously. I have learned to be more gentle with myself, and others, and in doing so, my power stores are restored.

Thank you to all the participants who might read this one day.

Please consider supporting this organization to make this program accessible to ALL people. Medical debt runs high in the cancer world, making this program out of reach if it were to be a fee program. By donating, you will allow cancer survivors (and that is ANYONE touched by cancer), a chance to do healing on a deep level. Thank you.

Jenna

The Shortest Update - Guarenteed

2010-09-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

Chemo - fine
side-effects - not so bad
daughter - 7, securely in 1st grade
weather - windy
inner cheerleader - slightly annoying with the jump kicks, but helpful
big girl britches - securely fastened

Cancer - 0 Life - 1

Jenna

Hereafter - Trailer (HD)

2010-09-17T20:31:00.000-07:00

Wow. Thank you Clint Eastwood. Thank you.

Jenna
(who is living life, not writing about it at the moment)

Your Semi-Coherent Overview of Restarting Chemo

2010-08-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Don't say I didn't warn you:

Okay, Day 1, 3rd time on Abraxane in conjunction with the continuing biotherapies (Herceptin, Tykerb, Zometa). Cancer counts not tooooo high, but not staying put down low. So, without alarm, we restarted today. I kind of thought it was a joke, and it would just go away. Denial.

So here is the short short version:

I managed to do this with a great deal of CALM, a tinge of sad, a swig of "but I don't wanna be left out of life again dammit" and then onward to be a big girl and take my medicine.

(If anyone wants to design a "get your big girl panties on" tshirts like Soma and friends did for the Breast Cancer 3 Day, that would rock)

Not tooooo bad. Definetly got the chemo cocktail today. Went from feeling vibrant, to feeling like I took a good dose YUCK. But at the end of the day, not tooooo bad. Wondering how to traverse this time round.

I just have a general calm. Did my life stabilize after a year? Woah.

Cool. Take the "long view" as someone I know says often.

Night,
Jenna

Changing Habits

2010-08-07T18:52:00.000-07:00

So this is a edited blog entry, originally posted on an amazing Metastatic Breast Cancer board. We were talking about "Are we doing enough?" and about making changes in our lives to support as healthy a lifestyle as possible.

There is a myth about Met. BC. That we die, quickly, and all we think about is death, and we live miserable lives because of death.

Uhm, n-o.

These women thrive WHILE going through sometimes, often times, brutual treatments. I have met many a women now who are going through this 5, 8, 10, 12, 18 years!!!!!!!!!!! Not 2. Sorry. Nope.

And the key on this board, between living in fear, and thriving is making positive changes that enhance our immune systems, and turn victim into warrior-goddesses. Someone recently said we were like sticks and twigs, all woven together, creating an unbreakable nest in which we can heal safely.

--------------------------------------

Tthere is a system in Health Psychology about the stages of change. We had to study this thing UP AND DOWN AND ALL AROUND.

Basically, it looks like a spiral staircase. Along it are:
No feelings of desiring change at the beginning all the way to an integrated "no thinking" involved new habit.

But instead of a staircase, it is like a slide. As we progress through the stages (from no desire, to "hmm, maybe I could feel better", to researching, to attempting to change, to full integration) we will ALWAYS backslide at some point down the spiral.

And this is where Pema Chodron comes in about loving kindness. I am re-reading her book "When things Fall Apart". So much more poignant this time 'round. I was just reading the section on meditation. (or in any conscious work we do)...where we can see ourselves for who we TRULY are, and when we fall out of alignment with our purpose (such as meditation and thinking) we simple observe ourselves/actions/thoughts without judgement and label them ("thinking, eating sugar, self-loathing - or whatever your break from alignment there is) and then simple choose to refocus our attentions on what we are CREATING (health digestion, healthly self image, etc).

Maitri is what it is called. The act of loving kindness. We can do it with no one else until we can do this with our own journey. AND it is the key to moving yourself back upward on the spiral to positive change.

I can't help but just send KEEKS (actual name changed) so much love for her earnestness and her honesty on her journey. For some of us the journey is about food and coming to peace with it (or into alignment with what is wellbeing for us), for some of us, it is about letting go of feelings of unworthiness that pollute our bloodstream with chemicals that cancer loves, most likely, as in ANY human journey, it is all of the above. And at different points in our lives, it is about different issues as we do become conscious beings.

And that is what this board is all about for me. A privileged to sit in a sacred circle with other women who are understanding this journey on a conscious level (even when we fall asleep to ourselves momentarily).
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In-Joy
Jenna

2010-07-23T17:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, breaking the silence with this. THANKS MEL! :)

And life is coming full circle and to a better place all around. Not without it's learning curve, but none the less, a freedom. And I feel this way, having to return to chemo and all. I think I am learning from mistakes (or life lemons). Rough week, full of every possible mistake, yet I knew there was wisdom in this and waited it out with a few tears and got the "ooooooh, I get it!" message of the week.

Hope anyone reading this is in good health and good spirits,
With Love, always In-Joy

Jenna

Getting Oriented after Chemotherapy

2010-07-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

The ebb and flow of long term disease treatment is, well, disorienting! (In case you've not been reading...being disoriented has been huge the last couple of months). So I took a break.

And I wrote this:

The Blessed Fool

Oh, the blessed lucky fool!
Who can stop along her pathway
Turn her dirty face toward the dusty path behind,
And see!
Thorny briars, painfully crossed,
Shredded clothes snagged and torn,
And the sole worn shoes long ago discarded...
And Realize her nakedness,
Save for her ruby ring,
and laugh.

Finding my way slowly, patiently, compassionately and sometime frustratingly... :)

Jenna

It all hit me...and then..........

2010-06-23T02:52:00.000-07:00

It is Time...I have to admit to it, I just want to be like this child and hide under my covers for a few weeks. Let all this pain and disorientation pass. But I get ahead of myself. Let me start here:

I have been having a tough time lately. My POWERHOUSE through method is failing me (duh!). I would LOVE to be impenetrable to life's curve balls, and be shiny ALL the time. I tend to hide and be quiet and not let people know when the sour of life's lemons has just been too much. And I want to hide under the covers and just pray and cry and hope someone will save me. I know, life doesn't work that way. We lean on each other, we help each other along, but it, in the end, is YOUR decision as to what you do about it. How do you traverse the "I've had too much, my nerves are shot, and I just want to cry and drink red wine on some Tuscany hillside town." Oh, right.....life says "not right now!". So what then?

I don't share EVERYTHING here, because I want to protect the privacy of those around me. I decided to put MY journey up, not expose others journeys. But I can say this... I have been battling with the the loss of my identity. I think many long term cancer patients, chronic pain patients, or any other variety of life altering events, can attest to this feeling anywhere on a scale of 1 to 10. I am about a 9.

To save my life, I have had to be tossed in a blender , and the "chop" button hit several times. In between blade churning, there was a dash of body acidic chemicals here, and new drug chemical there, take that body part out there, oh and that one too, strip as much estrogen as humanly possibly from hormonal make up, and rearrange my neural synaptic make up, and add a dose of pain relieving radiation there (thank god!).......... and in the middle of it, rearrange my entire life (home, marriage, work, home again,)....pour into chilled glass and serve.

For the first time in a life....I hit the proverbial brick wall. Or as Paul Simon wrote "believing I had supernatural powers, I slammed into a brick wall". My old bag of tricks isn't working....(No Yoga, music outlet, or flavor of Ben and Jerry's is touching "it"). I know I need a new plan. I need to accept my new "new". But how?

It is scary. I did what I had to do to get through this year. I have been told that I am one tough broad as they say. Yet my body and soul are telling me they are raw, desperately in need of the attention I gave my cancer cells. I need to give equal attention to my mind/soul as well....and NOW. They need a break from the life altering stresses. But how? I can't travel the world...or climb a new mountain peek. I can't sit in a monastery for a month and chant and pray. This mountain that looks like Everest, I am sure is more like the foothills of Everest, but it feels none the less, like I might need some help.

Today, I called out to friends and said "HELP! Something just isn't right here! This isn't ME! Something is off!"

At the moment. I feel like a cartoon character who, after a good smack to the head, has all those swirly stars and loopy eyes. But it is abating, and my sight is slowly refocusing. My friends dusted off my dirty face, swept away the stars and tears from my eyes, stopped my head spinning (I just can't get Daffy Duck, with his spinning beak out of my mind). Now it is up to me. Thank you dear dear friends. Count this girl lucky and blessed to be loved unconditionally.

So, now I can really hear my body, my soul, and my mind are truly disoriented. I can hear them calling out to STOP.... get rest, rejuvenate...but was at a loss as to how!

Then I came across this blog entry from 100 Days in Bed..... a brillant tidbit. She post it on the Crazy Sexy Life website. Hitting your brick wall? Wondering how to get back up without drastic life altering changes? She is BRILLANT. My whole point of this post is to get you to her site. These images are from that site.....says it all.

I will leave this to you to go to her site and read. I won't re-post it here, because she deserves to have her feisty site of "There is another side....and you will get there! I did!" blog be visited in its own right. Please do so!

All I will say is, "Week One, Day One......" Don't know what that means....read her blog. Thank you adventure girl. Writer of comedy, and savior to those battling life's lemons.

Jenna

A Few AWWWWESOME Retreats for Cancer Survivors

2010-06-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

So, I am in a bit desperate need of respite from all that has transpired last year. While a few choice pharmaceutical and herbal options have calmed my frayed nerves to think straight again, I am going in for the deeeeeep quiet I need. In my searching for a place to rest my mind and heart, these resources came to me. Thought I would share.

1)Harmony Hill - This is already on my list. Across the streets for the Hood Canal, this center is for people experiencing their cancer journeys. It boast two FREE retreats. A One Day retreat ...and a Three Day Retreat...for FREE. Lodging and all. If you are under the care of an oncologist, you may do personal retreats for $80. And the accommodations are hands down the nicest I have seen for this price. You can even bring a caregiver along for the free retreats as well. For those without cancer effecting them, they offer PAID retreats. These support their free cancer program.

2)Doe Bay - a non cancer specific retreat center. Anyone can go there. And in the summer months, indeed they do. This is rustic retreat center on Orcas Island.... with a twist. From campsites, to yurts, to rustic cabins, to fancy cabins with full kitchens, baths, electricity....eat in the cafe, or use the guest kitchen. There is a guest bath, kitchen, yoga studio, cafe, general store, boathouse, soaking hot tubs, stages, gardens, etc.....

3)Breast Cancer Recovery: This is specific to breast cancer, and not the Northwest. Retreats to revive to soul. See the link for more info.

4)Kids N Cancer - this is child specific...for children "afflicted with cancer". It is Greek Orthadox based and I don't know too much about it. But it was mentioned to me recently and thought I would pass it along....

There is so much more......but this is a start.........send your suggestions and ideas.

Jenna

A Touchstone

2010-05-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

I am going through a phase of disorientation. I am realizing that I am not just going to pick up where I left off. That life doesn't fit anymore. My body is different, my life is different, and most of all, my perspective is different. So I went back to this poem I wrote at the onset. I feel like I have aged 30 years since then, not 2 years. I realize I am not going to be picking up right where I left off, and I don't know I want to...it would be like a 50 year old making decisions on their life and minds when they were 18. But the truth underlying this poem is still real.

I am not a disease.
I think of disease more as a verb, not a noun or an adjective because it is transit as all disease is. It has a beginning, middle and end.
It is just a stop along my way that will teach me and transform me.
It will fall away, and become my past and inform my choices in the future.
But all that matters is Now.
When I let fear in, I remind myself that all that matters is Now.
My fear is usually not of anything present,
but what I fear might transpire.
So I return to the moment I am in.
And the truth usually is:
Now, my heart is beating.
Now, my body is tired.
Now, it is full of energy
Now, I am in intense pain.
Now I am free of pain.
Now I rejoice in the beautiful energy of life.
When I fear what isn't there,
I lose my moment to live Now.
That is all we have.
Moment to moment.
That was true before anybody named my form of disease.
We all have our own brand.
Sometimes, someone naming a passing disease,
just brings that reality of NOW into acute awareness.
We can use that intense awareness of "all we have is now"
like a salve to heal any disease we have in our minds and spirits-
and thus return some strength to our bodies.
Pain, illness, disease are part of life,
suffering is optional.
That is true, even when I forget it.
Please remember this,
I am so much more than a disease.

Jenna

A New Chapter - Tykerb Works!

2010-05-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

For the past month, I have been given the reprieve from chemo. One because I hit the wall and was feeling so ill I couldn't walk around my home. But also, the effectiveness of the Tykber/Herceptin mix has been I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E. In December, things were looking shaky. Abraxane really wasn't turning it around like it had before. But once Tykerb was introduce it has just been like the cancer for the most part, was turned off. 800 point drop in cancer markers in one month. I was over 1,000, last count 67 and holding. 35 is "normal".

That being said, during this month while on the chemo break, I had the PET/CT to see what was going on inside. And apparently, not much. Some tumors shrunk from 3cm to .5 and are inactive. Most of them are very quiet or inactive!

So we are holding course. No more chemo (Abraxane). We are so impressed with how well the Tykerb (a biological therapy - which targets only cancer cells and disables them), that we are going to let it do its work without the chemo. Herceptin (another biological) and Zometa (for the bones) will stay in place as well. Which means, I won't feel like a mac truck hit me!

Please keep up the prayers. It is typical for cancer at this stage to find it way around the therapies eventually. There are two more promising ones coming down the pipe. Or, that I just get my body to do the work for itself and turn off that cancer for good.

Life all around is stabilizing after a very tough year. For all the friends who didn't hear from me, you were in my thoughts. It just got that bad. I had to pull in like a turtle and let the healing happen. Within myself, my family, and our lives.

I was ready for anything yesterday. I had a peace. And that piece is still there. I am looking forward to gearing up to start working creatively again at first. Getting some writing and art going, helping my brother with his up and coming BRILLANT website for travel, and being with my daughter, and music, music, music...and a few walks on the beach..

I can't believe this year that past. But wow, what a good place it has brought us all to now.

Blessings,
Jenna

Listening to the Rain, the stream, the birds

2010-04-27T13:43:00.001-07:00

You might think, three weeks off chemo, that I would be throwing myself head first into "catching up" and trying to do everything I haven't been able to do. That is Jenna of yester-year (how is that for snazzy linguistics). But I knew going in, and with a good reminder from my physical therapy, and one day of pushing it too far, that this time of definite pause in chemo, would be a time of recharging burnt out batteries, brushing off dust, moving atrophied muscle and eating well while the tummy could take it. So far, I have stuck to that. My self defined goal, was to get my mojo back, plug into my sources of strength, hope, and recharge, and not go Type A on myself.

And honestly, it is a bit disorienting. This year has brought tremendous stressors, tremendous change, and tremendous healing that crisis can bring if you allow. I have stared at my own demons this past few months. Those being feeling scared of being unable to care for my own body, not being fit or flexible, not being constantly in the flow of "life" (I learned my misconception there). I do not understand how one month ago, I could barely walk, was swelling with fluids that prevented clothes from fitting, and fighting like a girl on a mission depressive feelings from pain....and somehow, off chemo for awhile, dancing around, singing, feeling that connection to the flow of nature, warm hearted. I feel almost stunned.

But that re-entry into "the world" is different than re-entry into "life". The two are SO easily mixed up. In our society, it is take take take, go go go, busy busy busy, improve yourself improve yourself improve yourself. It is insane once you step out of that chaos, to see how hard we push ourselves and what we value. I never really lost the connection to "life" just the "world".

I was describing to my dear friend this week, how exquisite going to drop my daughter off was now. EXQUISITE. I am in love that with word now. Because inside it, there is joy, and bittersweetness, and the understanding that things are fleeting. Somedays I didn't even get out of the car,and just watch the cherry blossoms fall on sidewalks where children giggled and pranced with lunchboxes in tow. I watched some parents walk with purpose, some ran with their children playfully, other parents marched in a stressed "I am late for my work" pace, thinking they were keeping their stress in check. I loved the sun on me, the gentle wind, the rhythm of the life of the world.

For the first time this week, I managed to visit a friend outside my home. Walked Alki looking for beach glass, sitting on a log catching up, watching dark low clouds give way to sun and back again. EXQUISITE.

I have learned my fears (being seen all bloated and semi-eyebrowless is one of them - sad maybe, but true), but overcoming them and sitting in my PJ's with a friend collaging and going from chattiness to quiet and back. (No, still can go out in my PJ's yet).

All I care about right now, is family, friends, and health. To have a chance to be connected again, in the flow of LIFE, not in the hectic pace of the world, is indeed EXQUISITE. I spend the day garnering energy to give to those three things.

Today, I sat on my porch, drinking tea, eating strawberries, watching birds, bunnies, and deer. I danced for exercise, sang for joy, and phoned friends and family. I grocery shopped with a particular LOVE of the farmers in our area, noticed the rhubarbs brillant hue, thanked the deli worker for a lovely sample of stuffed bell peppers, and bought the colors of the valley in tulips. I even did the bills in peace (sometimes, seeing a $93,000 fee for ONE service at the hospital scares me, but also makes me extremely grateful for how much money people are sinking into keeping me around - and insurance to curb the cost). I have good happy energy for Kara when she returns. Most likely for games and Harry Potter reading. Hopefully a good dinner.

And that is my day. Wow. You might think "ordinary". YEP. :) Exactly. Exquisite.

Be Well, In-Joy
Jenna

HeartMath to reduce Stress/Pain/Anxiety

2010-04-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

I just took a nice break and did a program my therapist suggested called HeartMath. It is so cool. I preface this post with I am not affiliated with the company, I am not a salesperson, or get commission...although it is going to sound like I am because I love it so much!

She used this program for her family, and in her practice to help clients with anxiety issues. When I was talking to her about my pain levels, and how hard it was to try to meditate through the pain and even hit that "calm and balanced" feeling, she suggested I try out a program called HeartMath. She let me try it in her office.

What it does: It is a computer program, that uses a device that clips to your finger or ear, and monitors some basic physiological indicators of stress vs. "coherence" states. It gives you visual feedback to let you know if you are in a low/med/high state of coherence (calm and balanced). You have different options for trying to achieve that state, and also on getting the feedback of tracking.

You can go it on your own, and do your own techniques, or you can use one of their "games" to help. Either way, you get feedback on how well you are hitting a "coherent" state. You can try to chill using one of their visualization games ( ie., the rainbow game, where a rainbow grows over a mountain sky scene as long as you hit the coherent state and you reach the pot of gold, the whole time birds fly, flowers sway in accordance to your arousal state), or you can follow the light on the finger monitor (red,blue, green) or watch the more medical type screen with just bar graphs, lines, etc...

I haven't hit such a deep state of relaxation in a long time, besides when I do yogic chanting or go to my hypnotherapist. But to be at home and just "drop" into that state....ahhhhhhhh (deep breath out). I haven't been able to do that in a long time now.

What is cool about this, is I have tried various methods and it has helped me find which method really works the best, quickest, and longest. The results were surprising!

If you are dealing with anxiety, or pain, I highly recommend this program! Again, I don't sell it, or get commission.

My background is in health psychology...this is exactly what we studied. I have an extensive background in yoga, and meditation as well. And this is by far, the most accessible program for mainstream use. I used to get the same results from meditation, but all the meds and pain have really frustrated that effort.

Here is the website. To get set up is pricey, but worth it. My therapist got the okay from HeartMath to share her copy, so I didn't have to buy it, just to piece that hooks up to my ear/finger.

I have also suggested it to several of my college buddies who have gone on to counseling/therapy work.

This is going up in my suggestions column on the side bar..... Weeeeew. Nice.

http://www.heartmath.com/personal-growth/overview.html

Jenna

But what does it all mean?

2010-04-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Hear those crickets chirping. I have neglected this blog a lot this past couple of months. At first it was because I was soooooooooo stinkin' tired. And in pain. But the past couple of weeks saw a reprieve from chemo because my numbers were so low and I was so hitting the wall with side effects. But I just was given another three weeks off completely. I don't even have to go in for Herceptin, because I got a three week dose this past Monday, along with my monthly Zometa. And that gives me THREE weeks. Wew.

In the meantime, we are going to do a PET/CT scan to peek inside and see what is going on. Tumor markers can sometimes be misleading. My doc said she doesn't expect to find much (?) Not sure what she meant by that. But I will leave it at that and just wait and see.

One doctor describe my markers pattern as "the cancer appears to be inactive". Now some of you got very excited by this, I am too. But I thought I would clarify a few points. I am on a break because I was hitting a wall with side effects....and the numbers are so low...not normal, but low. The cancer being inactive doesn't mean it is gone, it just means it doesn't appear to be actively working. So I very well probably have dormant tumors in there still. This is still all incredible news, great spot, but just not "remission" or "all clear".

And that is just the way it is at this stage. Some of you say "When your done with all this...." uhm, there is no "done". I could have a miraculous spontaneous remission, and I am ALL for that.

As they told me up front, "We no longer see this as a deadly disease at this stage, but a chronic illness, like diabetes. You never really get "over" diabetes, but you can manage it. And sometimes that management goes better at certain times. However, the management, all the drugs, are still very very very tiring. I was about ready to walk away from it, because I was SO in pain and tired from the treatment itself. But luckily, I get a break and we get to regroup.

And that is the long and short of it right now. And I WILL take it.

If anyone still reads this blog, wow....thanks for sticking in there. I was really too tired, and in pain to really write. But ahhhhhhh, a second wind. Amen.

Jenna

A Week's Break

2010-04-05T16:36:00.001-07:00

WOW! After some very tiring months and a heck of a run in with edema and pain, this girl got her first break since weekly chemo started last June! If you ever needed an endurance person on your team, I think I won my badge. :) YAY for a break!

Jenna

Sing it out time - Polka Dot Dot Dot

2010-03-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

Ggroup: Polka Dot Dot Dot - album: Love Letter to New Zealand - song: Small Words Bigger Lessons.They made their way to me through a friend who saw them play, bought the album, played it all the time, and made me fall in love with them. There is a good MP3 version if you google it)

I am in LOVE with them. Can I be them? One of them? Trade places? Rocks rocks roooocks.

Jenna

Still here

2010-03-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! I am still here. I am really facing some unexpected hurdles with pain. But my doctor said, "Each place the tumor was is like a fracture or a broken bone, those HURT even after the tumor is gone, just like a broken bone".

Now I have understood this before. But yesterday, when I remembered they stopped counting the number of tumors in my hips....no WONDER I hurt just walking from the car to my house. It is making me out of breath, and just wanting to sit down and worn OUT. I am trying to put myself in the mindset that if someone came up to me with a bat and hit my hips and spine....I would treat myself differently. I would approach healing differently. I would be PATIENT. I expect just because my markers are low, this should be over, and I should be FULL of energy and hiking.

But FIRST....I have to rebuild muscle around broken bones....while still on chemo (yes, I am still on chemo....from taking to some of you, it appears I have confused you on that point). And there is no end point in sight yet.

I am hitting a low point here, but also a turning point. I just keep praying for the where with all to keep going. 3 years of pain.....well, I am learning to practice what I learned in school (a degree in Health Psychology). But it is far far more challenging than I ever imagined. My whole body and biochemistry has changed, and is constantly shifting. THAT I never factored in, and am learning I need to work with here.

Wew...I have to get to Physical Therapy, but sick to my stomach and that makes my muscles weak. Hmmmmmmmmm. Determined though......

Jenna

525,600 Minutes again

2010-03-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

Coming up on TWO years of beating a disease that once ago would've killed me in months......this week in church they sang this.....sums it ALL UP. I got another 525,600 minutes....and so much more lessons in love than I ever could've understood before this experience...one of those seconds spent in anything but love just is SO wasted...doesn't mean be a doormat...it means do everything from a centered loving place and you will really really LIVE.

GOD BLESS MUSIC!

Oh yeah, MUSIC

2010-03-10T02:32:00.000-08:00

I was having a hard time moving through the haze of Zometa this morning. Had to go into the hosptial for a die study of the port they use to infuse chemo safely into my bloodstream without frying my veins. I did NOT want to go. WWWWWAAAAAAAH.

Ah, but good ole mom is visiting. And she started singing....this....and it got me moving...

YAY MOM!

Here is that music that used to get me moving...

The "quiet" and the quiet Courage

2010-03-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

It has been very quiet around this blog lately, because I have been dealing with some very private, not for this blog life issues.

I am doing pretty well. My energy returns more and more, as the counts drop. On the other end of it, my hip and low back pain have me walking like someone beat me up with a bat. OUCH. Physical therapy did start last week. It has brought some relief, but at the same time, I spent most of my weekend legs propped over a large pillow, kind of cranky to be slowed down, just as I feel the engines revying up. grumble grumble.

But the private life has all my energy going towards the issues at hand, so this has been a quiet blog. I do not wish to air here, private family matters.

But I will share with you, a beautiful prayer a friend read to me over the phone. It is muy muy importante to those of us living life. A good reminder, especially when you feel tired, and run down and maybe a wee bit self-deprecating about how well you are handling your life situations.

In one week, one friend read this to me, the next, Ms. Direction gave me a framed Certficate of Excellence for grace in challenging circumstances.

For anyone dealing with cancer, who still wakes up and finds one things to bring to their day, wether it just be managing pain in bed, holding the hand of a loved one, writing a novel, or digging a well, whatever it is.... I know how much energy and courage it can take to over ride the messages "you are sick" ....this is for you!

The Universe Gifts Me With Courage In All Things - Julia Cameron, "Blessings"

I cherish my own courage. I salute myself for the brave action I undertaken in my life. I focus with clarity and appreciation on the choices I have made which have required courage and self-determination. I applaud myself for my strength and my daring. Rather than belittle myself for my fears, I choose to honor myself for the bravery with which I have often walked through my fears. I count back in specific ways and enumerate for myself examples of my own courage: the new friendship I have undertaken, the steadiness I have shown in a difficult job, the honesty I have displayed in opening a difficult conversation. I honor myself for my bigheartedness in the face of challenges from which I could have-but did not-shrunk back. My courage brings blessings to my life. My courage blesses the lives of others.

Raymond Charles Barker - I Love You

2010-02-23T01:30:00.000-08:00

Actually, I love the book he wrote and him for doing so. The Power of Decision. This is the first book in years I didn't just nod "yes, yes, thanks for the reminder". It has really charged me up and every page is just soaked with wisdom. There is some meaty, juicy stuff to dig into here and I am learning deeply. Instead of feeling shaky on what I felt to be true, he is is just solidifying and taking it DEEPER. It isn't written like these self help, watered down safe versions. He goes for it.

People in the waiting room at chemo and I get into discussions. I always find it funny, when I am struggling with a fear trying to sink it's teeth in and take me down like a zebra that straggled from the herd. Usually, on those days, I have someone, usually new, come to me saying how great I look, how vibrant I appear, and to hear I have (gasp) Stage IV and doing this for almost 2 years now....how can I be so dang positive?! So radiant. I always say "Today, at this moment I am happy, (or even not, I feel so tired, afraid) but I have days where I do let fear get the best of me but I don't fear fear. I just let it really wash through and don't struggle, because I trust there is an edge to it, and I won't be taken down. (Thanks to Jack Kornfield, the other GREAT book I have to read in small doses, because it takes years in integrate)

I watch, like a patient, compassion, detached monk, with unfettered curiosity to see what it is teaching me...to ride it out to its edges. For me in this cancer moment, I feel the most sick when I resist anything about my experience (I resist alot like resting, body signals to drink, sadness, fear, etc.). But when I pay mindful attention to what I am resisting, it just moves through quickly. Anxiety comes from suppression (for me) of any unwanted information or uncared for bodily needs.

I go on to talk about the core usually. That we all have the truth of who we are, the core, and that can never be broken. With the lady I talked to this last week (she approached me after overheaing a friend and I talking the week before), I describe it like this, "What God designed me to be before the world got a hold me of and I began to believe their point of view about myself".....THAT is the core. The rest is just circumstance passing around that radiant light of the core of me like fog passing round me. It can't become a part of me. It can obscure my view, halt my movement forward, but it cannot permeate that core. So just wait it out with curiosity and compassion. This ISN'T you, just an experience. Wow, what a great conversation we had. She was so amazing herself!!!!!!!! She had a great bible verse for this, but I don't remember what it was.

I have had this conversation in some form many times in the last two years. And my understanding of it is growing. When I do have a freak out moment, I know to NOT lean on myself at that moment. To call on a friend who can ground me in the truth of who I am, even if it is just through listening. Some are so skilled, that can speak words that let the smoke pass quickly.

This Sunday, I have been drawn back to a particular church again. It's greatness is in is simplicity. They started a new class based on a book called the Power of Decision by Raymond Charles Barker. And WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH. It is like what I was trying to say, but on such a deeper level. It is like a circuit board. I got the parts and pieces, but this book it connecting the bits and pieces and the board is lit up and powerful now. It is fluid rather than pieced together.

Some juicy bits from today:

- People who have added to the world, and expanded what the world thought was possible (airplanes, cars, equal rights, ending poverty) did so because they moved from a place of comfort, to follow a spark of a new idea. They were willing to change, to move from what was safe and comfortable to follow this spark of an idea. They did so with conviction and without pause. They accepted consciously or unconsciously, they were important in the grand scheme of Life (as all are).

- pg 46 " the real you is not on invisible, it is also immeasurable.
- pg 47 " it is unconditioned by time and space, it knows no limitation, only expansion, the unfolding of consciousness unrestricted by the past experience"
- pg47 "It is practical. Every improvement in the lot of mankind came about because someone expanded their consciousness (didn't stay where it was safe, and what they knew....the moved into a sense of knowing something different was out there and they were willing to make themselves uncomfortable for awhile to follow the spark of something new).
pg 48 "Consciouness, by definition, timeless, spaceless, and needs no means. It is complete in and of itself" (this is the core I keep trying to refer to)
pg 49 "It knows no dimensions and does not NEED them, but USES them to express itself. However it is not conditioned BY them. - our subconscious is"
When people realize these things, the shift. They are no longer people experiencing life. The are/were Life experncing ITSELF.

And this is just a few pages. Gooooood stuff. Good stuff.

I was asked to speak on behalf of a charity for those of us with children. They give us some financial assistance to help when the going gets tough. A small bridge, to fill in the gap when you need it. I turned it down. because this week, I got very caught up in fear. I didn't feel inspirational at ALL. But I used that as I sign. I was not listening to something that needed to be addressed and shifted. I was being indecisive and paying the price physically and mentally for it. I am glad she asked. I realized I was feeling ashamed. And one thing this book talks about it to NEVER feel guilty for learning, and learning means making mistakes. So maybe, if the door is still open I will speak. I course corrected and life has been so easy since then.

On Sunday, I read the opening chapter to this book. I saw my missteps, my indecisiveness. I cried my fears away. And as I did, we got a call, we got two offers on our house that day, the next day, my energy has been extremely steady today, and I am speaking without fear. Very cool.

Thanks Unity, Pastor John, and all your bright lights who make it impossible to walk in darkness, because you hold up lanterns on my path when I get lost. Love you all.

By the way. I had the numbers wrong. Doctor showed me my counts today, 79. Not 89. She is beaming again. She seemed almost dumbfounded at the "incredible drop off in numbers!! It is just beyond her..." Lol! She said to keep doing whatever it is I am doing. I get the impression this is unusual. :) lol!

Jenna
Here are a few random highlights

Long Long Time

2010-02-18T22:38:00.000-08:00

Just dropping a note after a very long break from blogging. I appreciate anyone still wandering through to check in.

I have had a rough couple of months, but am coming to the end of a several obstacles.

1) Radiation - FATIGUE, wew. But you have to keep in mind your body is processing a LOT, and also healing healing healing. My bones had holes in it, so it needed a LOT of energy to fill those holes in with scar tissue, which is much stronger than tumors. Still in the process of healing, but not the horrid, can't keep my eyes open fatigue. That is passing.

2) The RASH - the mystery rash that took me DOWN. Head to toe. Then to eyes swelling took me to the ER mid January. Which led me to excessively high doses of prednisone. Me and predisone equals disaster! It was a horrid horrid horrid ride. Scary. And with that drug, you cannot just pull off of it. So it took a couple of weeks to step down slowly. Now that that is done...

3) I am coming round. Slowly. It feels like I get my head above water now for longer and longer periods of time. And the energy that is there is new, clear, fresh. I get so excited. But this makes me a little bit more bi-polar-isque. When the pain hits, or chemo I have to hold very very tight to the memory that this is just CHEMO, not cancer talking. But honestly, I get a little scared and a little irritated, and feeling like I am drowning. I just want to keep my head above water.

But at least now, I have several days a week I have good positive energy again. And for good reason. Which brings me to bullet number 4.

4) My counts are still dropping! From 198 a month ago, to 85 this week. GOOD TREND.

Which now brings me to FAQ:

1) Q Am I still on chemo? A Yes!!! My comments are only about wanting to off chemo, hoping to be off - if this drug works wonders. So I am now into month - I dunno, let me count.....TEN. I hear people in the waiting room talking about 6 weeks like it is hell. So something inside has to turn off, be kind of chemo numb - and take life where you can when you can. which leads me to....

2)Q When I read you posts, or see you, you look good, or sound happy? But you are having a hard time...what is really going on? A BOTH. I am having a really tiring, tiring two months, but I take the good time where I can. And usually I end up crashing and recouping for it. It takes all I have in me over the two months to be seen. So when I DO get to get out and do something positive, I REVEL in it. Because it like a thirsty horse being taken to water. I also tend to focus ahead on why I am doing all of this and what I could be doing if I get better. Otherwise, dear God, life would be sooooooooooo depressing.

3) Q Do you still need help. A Yes. Even though Jim is close now, to keep him balanced and not burnt out (imagine being the primary care person for someone who is going through something this intense for two years!), I do still need rides and help. Not as much. But yes, especially the rides. Bug needs to get out of this intense environment and go have fun. Going to the mountains, pick her up on the way. Going hiking? Take the girl along.
Then there is the biggest issue of rides. That is the single most helpful thing. If you have a Monday morning free, and can take a 20-30 minute trek out here, and take me in the hospital (20 minutes) that would help soooooooooooo much. Jim then picks Bug up, and then me on the way home.

I am climbing out of a very hard time. I have other things, that for privacy reasons, I do not post here because it isnt about me. But it greatly influences my life. But I won't post it here. This isn't a place to put other people on display. So hopefully, this other part of my life will find closure and it's new direction and I can get some stability.

So yes, i am happy and sad and anixous, and hopeful and ALL if it. Sometimes all within hours of each other. Pain levels can really effect my positive/negative outlook. So can other stressors. So please don't think of me as above it all and managing it all sooooooooo well. I am doing what I have to do to get by, and stay on me feet and keep my daughter healthy, happy, and safe.

I do feel like I am reemerging. On the verge.... getting there. :) 89 ;) 8....9.....getting there. But by no means done.

Jenna

P.S. By the way. The blog is doing well. I am amazed at how many people are reading this for it not being advertised in any way. And I do see a few faces now following I dont' know. So if you are a reader, (following or not), would you please maybe post a comment on why you follow, that way I can maybe write more to what you might be wondering about, or hoping to learn. :) Thanks!

Something is shifting

2010-01-31T04:27:00.000-08:00

I noticed this before the rash/Predisone weeks....I began to think in terms of years ahead.

Then, the "reaction" happened, and all the drug chemical haze stole away my clarity.

But....

SOMETHING has shifted.

I haven't been that "mom" I used to be for Bug for a long time. I am not judging the time I have spent healing, because Bug has been learning a lot about life that most kids don't and I am proud of how we've handled it all.

But, once again, I just noticed this week, something has shifted. I have this energy to give to her again that I haven't in a long long time. Honestly, I was coasting a lot of the time (not neglectful, but not proactive/interactive as much). I know she has been cared for, and shown the world by OTHERS, but not so much me. With me, we are always at home lately and often in the last year and a half. I have a day or two of energy to give to the way things used to be.

But this week, we start rough housing/ticking/playing! We both looked at each other and noticed it!!!!!!!!!!

This morning, we went out for a morning walk together, we drove to our starting spot, and no one had to drive us! And along the way, had our old discussions, instead of me driving on autopilot, just trying to get us "there" and being spacey the whole time and just using all my energy to even walk with her. Instead, we EXPLORED together. Finding the bike shop, the art store, talking about these topics, about the town, and I was engaged fully in teaching her how to get around town on foot. Street names, mountain names, answering so many questions. :)

And at home, over breakfast, we had a whole discussion on the dairy we drive by on front street. Ending with a diagram, and that showed how the milk gets from the cow, to the table. And about the environmental impact, complete with drawing.

I spent time reading art books, the local newspaper (best one I have seen since Corvalis) and art ideas starting popping into my head.

I did taxes, bills, and bookkeeping.

Tonight, I walked (somewhat horrified and overwhelmed) into her unkept, not yet unpacked (boxes still) room, and as a family, we sorted, played, talked, prioritized, and decorated some. (In the end, I did end up crashing and not finishing, and Kara came and read Camelot to me). My friend did the initual set up, and I have been to sick to do bedtime. So I haven't spent much time in that room. But now ;) WONDERFUL! Not done, but we did it as a family and start somethin good....

And now, in my normal midnight wake up, I am reading my mothering books, catching up on developmental issues, gifted issues, and reading forums.

The one thing that has been the hardest in all of this is not feeling like I am "mothering",

But as I scowering the internet for some mothering information, a small pile of natural mothering books next to me, art books at my feet, at the book she read to me at bedtime about Merlin and Kind Arthur.......it has dawned on me FULLY..... ...I AM BACK. ;)

Jenna

Untangling

2010-01-28T00:30:00.001-08:00

This came in my email from a dear dear friend who has kept me afloat and helped me get through this tangled mess. So beautiful, I share it with all of you who are the "divers" in this story. You know who you are:

This story was passed on to me from a dear friend and I
had to share it with you since I thought you might appreciate it :)

Love you,
dida

The Whale Said "Thank You"

If you read a recent front page story of the SF Chronicle, you would have
read about a female humpback whale that had become entangled in a spider
web of crab traps and lines.  She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds
of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat.  She also had
hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her
torso, and a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallon Islands (outside the
Golden Gate area) and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so
bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her.  They
worked for hours with curved knives and
eventually freed her.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous
circles.  She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and
nudged them, pushed them gently around.  She was thanking them!  Some said
it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth said her eyes were following him
the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate to be
surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that
are binding you.  And may you always know the joy of giving and receiving
gratitude.

I am in love with...

2010-01-24T01:05:00.000-08:00

I am in love with....life

I am in love with...peacefulness and ease

I am in love with....the turn of the wheel

I am in love with....times of fear

I am in love with...times of joy

I am in love with...that all things shall pass

I am in love with...the beauty of the human spirit

I am in love with....learning

I am in love with....song, and sound, and it's ability to shift any energy to a state of balance

I am in love with...mystery

I am in love with...knowing I am loved

I am in love with...knowing I am safe to just be

I am in love with...knowing I am surrounded by love

I am love with the gifts of this journey, even when I scared now, I KNOW there is way through and all is well.

:) This isn't drugs talking. I am cleared headed and well. My friends helped rebalance my bodies reactions to the drugs. So I am VERY clear now. Even when I was in the midst of the scary moments of the drugs interaction I am having, I KNOW now there is a way though, I am surrounded by those willing to help, and help IS there.

I am just feeling Love.

Let Karen Drucker say it in song...

Jenna

Tykerb Rash

2010-01-21T23:40:00.000-08:00

Still trying to figure out the rash issue. I don't even remember putting the last entry in. Talking to my mom today, she referenced it.

Because my face/eyes were swollen, they are concerned and carefully following this. It is exhausting, but today I had a bit of a break from the frantic painful itching.

The plan is to slowly come down off the ER drugs, and if I swell up again...off I go off the Tykerb.

This is small chance it isn't Tykerb. But a reaction to some other drug that has taken some time to express itself.

It is a very tiring, painful waiting game. Honestly friends, my nerves are shot. I am exhausted. And edging on getting every single drug out of my system. When I went to list them to the dermatologist, I handwrote a page of drugs, and told her of others I have taken this month, but aren't currently being taken.

TOO MANY DRUGS

That is what my body is saying.

Prayers. I want to stay on the Tykerb. Honestly, it is very very demanding on the mental side to deal with this constant back and forth, up and down, pain, almost no pain. Numbers up, numbers down. To be so close to seeing freedom for awhile, to have the possibility of it taken away....

I just can't right now.

So, no bright and sunny today. Worn out, mentally and physically.

Jenna

Amazing Week

2010-01-18T23:42:00.000-08:00

So, my skin is peeling. Like a snake shedding it's skin I as I see it. From the radiation burn. But I can bend again, and move so much more freely.

I have a horrid rash. Had me layed up for the week (including radiation burn) and in desperate pain that took me to the ER Sunday night. Got some good meds and answers Monday from the doc. It is the "Tykerb rash" but not a hideous looking one, just painful. So we are looking for ways to manage it.

Then she told me about a patient, whose mets had progressed farther than mine did, and was doing well now for two years on Tykerb ALONE. Now she won't say that if things were looking promising to go in that direction. To be in an amazing remission pattern, and NOT go in for chemo weekly. Just take my four pills, at home, daily, and deal with the rash. WOAH. Wooooooooooooah. Thank you Universe, Great Spirit, and angels on earth.

What a birthday present!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 35 today! Whohooooooooo!

Painful rash under control and calming down. Chemo today with Pushpa, whom I love and am so grateful for. Yesterday, was the celebration day. A kirtan with Shantala, and a brunch with friends that I deeply respect and honor. What a good time.

Love to you all
Jenna

HOLY TYKERB BATMAN!

2010-01-12T13:39:00.000-08:00

So, over a month ago, the doc walked in with my intuition in hand. I had told her I was getting that I should be taking a pill. We went over a few chemo pill options, none of which seemed right. But I kept insistening, she kept looking. And lo and behold, she went to a cancer conference.

A NEW (old) pill, used in a new way that the trials had just been released on. It showed that Herceptin resistant patients were showing amazing improvement when given Tykerb along with Herceptin. Basically. The Herceptin doesn't let it reproduce from the outside, the Tykerb kills it off from the inside. I have links to this research in an early blog entry.

So, we started our own trial on me a month ago...........

We follow CA 27 markers. This checks a protein (?) that only breast cancer cells let off when they are growing and reproducing. These guys stay in the bloodstream. Every 2-3 weeks we do a count check.

A month ago, when this little experiment start, my markers were around 1000.

Yesterday we tested again, about a month later.....

drumroll please...........

198

A "regular" person on the street runs this marker from 0-35. In a week, at this trend, I will be at 0. ZERO.

That my friends, if it holds, is the beginning of REMISSION. How long it holds, we shall see. But the next thing down the pipe, super herceptin, which overcomes Herceptin Resistence and is working WONDERS. It is called DMI, and they are trialing it at Johns Hopkins I believe. Not on the market yet.

heheheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

POW - a few months ago I was wondering if Iwould be making it through. I let go into faith and followed my intution like a bloodhound. God I love my doc. :)

Jenna

Breathtaking Video - The Third and the Seventh by Alex Roman

2010-01-08T02:50:00.000-08:00

Please watch this to the end. Then read the spoiler at the bottom.

Why is this on a breast cancer blog? Because it is my blog, and I can post it if I want to. hehehehe. No really. Because, Jenna, pre-BC, was an artist. Jenna in the break I had from chemo, started film school. Jenna still loves art, architecture, and film. And this is so inspiring. And somedays, when your skin is burned by radiation, and all you do is want to sleep (not want to, all you DO is sleep), something has to keep you grounded in YOU, so you YOU don't speak abotu yourself in the third person anymore:

Please watch this in full screen mode and watch to the end.

The Third & The Seventh from Alex Roman on Vimeo.

Now, if you didn't catch that......NONE of that was real. It was ALL CG script. I am still in disbelief myself.

Lovely.

Radiation ends today. I can stretch again! After a year, I can stretch my arms above my head again. Totally worth the sunburn/poision ivy patch of skin on my back that is making me nuts. But that shall pass.

Yes, still on chemo. ;)

Jenna

End of the Year Gratitude

2009-12-31T09:07:00.000-08:00

Okay, Day 1 for me, 42 for the rest of you doing this 42 days of Gratitude thing. :)

I am grateful for learning to open myself and be vunerable.
I am grateful for learning to be a recipient of aid, help, and healing energy.
I am grateful I am receptive to love and healing that others give.
I am grateful for learning to trust the universe is indeed my coconspirator of my highest good.
I am grateful for the healing that has happened within my family this year.
I am grateful for the healing that has happened within my body this year.
I am grateful for all the healers who have done this with energy, with medicine, with muscle power, with love.
I am grateful for the mountains that bank me, and the choir which peeled back a layer that obscured my inner vision, and opened me up to a whole new world.
I am grateful for tears, and for long distance phonecalls.
I am grateful we all have a chance here to Love.

http://www.worldgratitude.com/

Jenna

More on Herceptin Resistence and tyrkerb

2009-12-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

Here is the news report:

http://www.laboratoryequipment.com/News-drug-combo-improves-breast-cancer-survival-121409.aspx?xmlmenuid=51

Jenna

Quick Post - Herceptin Resistence and it's CURE?

2009-12-15T06:56:00.000-08:00

What is Herceptin Resistence? Herceptin is NOT a chemo drug. It doesn't kill all cells. Just breast cancer cells that have a certain receptor that helps it to reproduce. Herceptin goes in and takes the place where the protein should go to let the cell reproduce. Thus, shutting down the cycle. Like birth control for breast cancer cells with this as a positive attribute.

Now, this drug has been called the homerun drug of all chemo drugs by my oncologist. At the beginning of this journey. anyone in the oncology world I told I could take herceptin all were SOOO excited. The phramacist joked that it was so amazing it should be put in the water. HOWEVER, for 20% of the patients, it doesn't work. It is called Herceptin Resistence. For me, it seems to work better with chemo being taken with it. But on it's own, it wasn't holding it in check.

This has had me bummed, depressed, scared.....a life on constant chemo. I won't go there. Because...

I am part of a board of Metastatic Cancer Babes on Crazy Sexy Cancer. The discussion there informed me of a new drug in trials that helps overcome Herceptin resistence. Which lead me to a discussion with my doc several times. Which lead her to looking into it more. Which lead her to a conference. Which lead her being as excited as I am because she has the science behind it. Apparently, there is great hope and success with mixing an older drug which is similar with Hercptin and this overcoming the resistence.

Which lead her to GIVING ME THE DRUG!!!!!!! I am a road tester. Paving the way for this new drug combo that could save lives. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED. I start TODAY. PRAYERS THIS WORKS. It could take me from 1-2 years to ????? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Prayers prayers prayers.

I NEEDED THIS. Hope, something to look towards. Somethign to be a part of that will help other women, even if it doesn't help me. If my dot on a graph somewhere helps scienctist understand it better which leads to a cure.....I AM IN.

Jenna

And Sarah did the honors and I have the pics to prove it

2009-12-09T23:00:00.001-08:00

What is it about kissing a bald head? lol!

Right back at you!

Very grateful. Not everyone can do what she did for me.

Jenna

Breast Cancer, Chemo, and Losing your Hair Not your Head

2009-12-09T02:28:00.000-08:00

How to lose your hair, not your head......

I thought I would post my journey from head of hair to baldy Rebel Girl, because, frankly, I don't think I can handle the ackwardness of people seeing me out of the blue, with a wig, or a scarf or hat and having that "Oh crap, what do I do, where do I look, do I say anything?" moments. So, I am posting the journey here. So you can, in your own time, process the change. And when you see, know the etiquette of staring, touching, questioning, and all that goes with dramatic visual changes.

My gift to you.

What can you say?
Whatever is on your mind, "Holy shit! You cut your hair off!' (because if it weren't 20 degrees out, I would go bald. I love it bald. I feel awkward in a wig, and sick in a scarf. But bald feels freeing and natural, no hiding.)

Say, "Wow, that is so weird, and hard to get used to."

Say, "You look different, but beautiful."

Say the truth. Ask direct questions. I don't mind. What I do feel awkward about it is the NOT acknowledging the elephant in the room. I like the direct approach.

And yes, you can touch it. It is still stubbly, and feels a bit like a sharks skin. But it was VERY irritating because hairs were falling out even with it shaved with an electric razor using no blade. When I put on wigs or scarves, the hair acted as a sandpaper, and got Velcroed to the hat or wig and was painful. So off it all went. I had splotches anyway, no Sinead OConner look. Bummer, I liked it that way.

But please, do not do ANY of this around Kara. She is so upset. I haven't seen her this upset about any of the journey. She has been upset before, but not like this. She asked us to stop talking about it in front of her, but she promised to talk about it to her therapist. So we agreed, no more baldy talk, for now.

So, here is the footage. I really dislike I had to do this NOW. When I see other people footage, they are healthy. At the beginning of their journey. As you can see. Cancer Rebel Girl over the summer, I am not on steroids to control the chemo nausea, not on bloated, not pimple faced, not exhausted with dark circles under my eyes from weeks of being sick PLUS chemo, OH and moving in a week.

BUT, none the less. The other people seem awkward with it. And sad, but trying to stay strong. I LOVED it. It was freeing and and load off. I guess a year and half of treatment, I know this is the least of my worries and concerns. It really really felt freeing. I feel MORE beautiful bald, than I did with that mop of hair falling out allllll over the place.

So, here it is...the video.

Sarah Cannon did the honors. She rocked rocked rocked. Jim was my support. While he couldn't bring himself to cut it, he did the memorial video and photos and was an all around moral support.

Kara snuck in and out. And tomorrow, we will go with Jeri up into the mountains we know live at the base of, and find snow and bury the hair there with notes of hope and healing that will melt with the snow in the spring and summer and give the birdies the nesting they need at the right time. I love it.

Sarah Cannon....I can't thank you enough. She has pictures of her and I together I hope to get very soon to post here as well. She was the first to kiss my bald head. :) Jim got the second. Kara finally got the courage to touch it and I agree with her assesment, it feels weird.

Cancer Rebel Girl got a new chance to unleash. And yes, if you are right with yourself inside, bald makes you feel empowered and sexy as all get out. SOMETHING comes unleashed when you go mohawk, and even bigger power comes unleashed when you go bald, and feel even more beautiful and powerful than before. ROCK ON! Maybe it is the artist in me exploring boundries, and social mores about sexual roles. I have had long long long, short short short and eveything in between. I don't mind experimenting. I thought my hair before made me feel pretty, and safe. Now I know my power is NOT in my hair. I may always keep it cropped after this, or grow it long as I can if chemo ever stops and lets it grow back.

Oh, and I plan to play while I can. Lots of wigs and lots of different styles. What better times to play with color and style than now? I have one wig right now. I feel more uncomfortable in that, than I do bald. Strange.

I feel the storm settling, the rain is passing, the sun is starting to show through the clouds after a very very very very long thunderstorm. But the air is clearing, and healing and peaceful times are afoot. I feel it.

If I can get through all of this year, and come back to hope and peace, I can get through anything. We are SO much stronger than we know. So much healing on so many levels has taken place. In me, in the circle of people around me, in family, in friends. I love this place. I love learning my courage, my vulnerability, my ability to overcome, other peoples ability to overcome and face the most challenging parts of their lives (thank you Jim!) and seeing just how wide are light can expand, even when we feel very very very dim.

Unfotunately, the video is not functioning properly. The sync between video and audio drifts out. So for now, pictures will have to do.

The Beetlejuice Effect

2009-12-05T06:04:00.000-08:00

So, first time round, I didn't lose my hair. Second time round, didn't lose my hair. This time round I am shedding like Chewbacca taking holiday in the Sahara......meaning....if you breath on my head, hair will fall.

It is itchy and irritating and I am trying to figure out what to do...because it may just THIN.

My dear daughter is stressed by this. The whole time, the threat of losing my hair has been her only point of expression on my cancer treatments. She doesn't want me to cut it. But after watching it fall out all day, she told me I could cut it, but (and she said this in a sweet, scared child way, not bossy) "Just don't do it if front of me". Oh that child. Tonight, she found scissors and cut a lock of her hair off and put it in her scrapbook.

But I am scouring the internet. Is this just rapid thinning that will stop? Or should I go for the close cut? Problem is, if you touch it, if falls out. So I don't see how a hair stylist could possibly cut hair that would constantly be changing as he/she cuts it. What to do what to do.

I am trying to wait it out. But for instance, I was making breakfast for Kara and I. And the whole time hair is falling falling falling. Right into our food. Hmmm..........

I have heard that Abraxane causes "hair thinning" but the posts I have read they say, "Yeah, thinning so bad I look like Beetlejuice". hmmmmmm.....

What to do, what to do........

so if next time you see me, I am wearing a wig, dawning a wrap, shaved my head to a stubble, or look like I could be Beetlejuice's hot date....please don't stare and just tell me I look beautiful .....Or I will shrink you and put you into a model of your hometown.

Jenna

Endurance Take Two

2009-12-03T23:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, here is the long and short of it.

My living situation got turned on it's head out of the blue.

Move to Issaquah being bumped WAY up. I found out less than two weeks ago my living situation was changing. I am leaving this weekend. WOW. Trying to take it all in.

BUT I LOVE the fact I am moving into our OWN apartment, that won't go away and I can just relax and the base of the Cascades, on a mountain, and still get to Seattle in 20 minutes. And this place is MY OWN.

I am moving very very quickly, because I really really need to be in a place I can rest. I just finished unpacking and was looking forward to settling down and resting finally. So I am moving fast, so I can get to that settled in place to heal and rest in a small town at the bast of the Cascades.

And also, because I start radiation next Monday.

Oh, and my hair....falling out in clumps and constantly. It is annoying, like a shedding cat constantly on my head. But Bug doesn't like it and wants me to keep it. But i want to cut it short while it falls out so I don't get this tangle mess of hair in my face all the time. When I take my pony tail out, I take a clump of hair. It has to go soon.

And singing. I want to get back to it. I missed choir this month. Can't wait to sing again.

Life is moving fast. I am panicked, yet feel this might be the final push to get to a place I can really rest and heal in. It is good for my family and therefore good for me. And it is good for me. I love the mountain ridges looming overhead and river running through two of them, revealing Rainer on the other side. Ahhhhh. I love the woods.

HUGS
Jenna
who is freaked out she has to pack in one weekend and move!

Endurance

2009-11-12T11:36:00.000-08:00

I wrote this really long and tough entry. But what it comes down to is this:

endurance means not becoming stagnate.

I feel like I am fighting a battle with stagnation. But always always always keep moving forward, even if it is only a millimeters movement. Move.

Energy healers never ever bind energy. They find where it is tightened up and release it. The goal is always fluid movement. Of mind of body of spirit.

So today, I came to a slow crawl mentally. But I moved ever so slightly forward one millimeter.

I hope. I still hope. I still believe, even if this past couple months has been challenging, painful, and scary as hell. I have moments of delight. Sometimes that is bittersweet, because it is just enough to let me know it is there, but I can't seem to hold onto it.

Almost there. I feel it. Almost there.

Jenna

No Smancher Cancer Talk today

2009-11-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

Just fun pics.

No, it wasn't swine flu. But that was apparent that day. However, something got us. And now that we have the official "all clear" we are OUT of here.

While we THOUGHT of walking our normal route to the local coffee house.

The rain went from drizzle
(which any good Seattle-ite worth their salt doesn't
even notice),

to an all out rain (which used to be unheard of, and is now common here), requiring (eek-gasp) UMBLRELLA'S.

And two girls with recovering chest colds, decided to drive it, then walk from there with those unsightly umbrella's no Seattle-lite worth their salt carries.

However, it inspired picture taking....
so here is our brief day out.

All of this is within 5 minutes of us. Which is why...Seattle, I do love you.

Oh, not to forget, the best coffee west of the Atlantic.

no chemo h1n1 scare instead

2009-11-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

awaiting a h1n1 result after a day of running to pediatrician, and me to cancer institute to get a nasty ass cotton swab shoved down my non feverish nose twice over. OUCH. Glad the peditriian didn't put her through that and just gave her Tamiflu anyway (because of my chemo immuno suppressed body).

As I type my feverish kid is hacking away in bed, and my throat is raw. poor kiddo going to go check on her.

Peace out
jenna

Happy Birthday MOM!

2009-10-30T06:41:00.000-07:00

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!!!!

Now back to our regularly scheduled program of cancer drama and healing.

It is often hard to decide what and how to post on this blog. Because each of you have your own filter. Some will read things as dire, others as "things are rough, but not so bad" and others see my spirit strong. All from the same post. I learned this early on and know that I just have to post what is on my mind. It is tricky if I become attached to helping you each process the information I give you. So instead I have to just let it go and let you process and interpret in your own way. I sometimes second guess if I should be writing at all. But I started this, so for now, I will keep going. Just don't read this blog like you would a novel. If you read this, be an active reader. Pray, help practically, do your own spiritual journey. Please don't read it like you are waiting for the ending of a mystery novel. I say that with a bit of cheeky humor and a lot of love.

That being said.....I hide some thing. I definitely keep some of this journey private. But at this stage I cant' anymore. So I am pondering how to continue this blog. It is going to open my very very private self up to the world. And it's judgments on the deepest parts of myself. So I ask that if you continue to read this blog, you do so with deep respect, let your judgments go, and use lots and lots of compassionate "listening" and loving kindness.

I will write more later. I am still in the process of deciding. However, Spirit is lifting me up. And last night, I felt buoyed by song, by prayer. If you had come up to me and said, "You have a really bad cancer that is aggressively attacking your spine and liver" I would have laughed and said you were crazy. I was in the moment, letting all the love and prayers flow, and living very very truthfully. I was JOY. Yes, JOY.

I am learning so much about the power of the "something more" that binds us all. That we can't quantify. That we can see or touch or taste or smell and analyze and rely on to put into research or a formula.

I see and feel the STARK difference between living in fear and living in peace. Of "knowing".

Again, I am pondering where I am going to take this blog now.

Lots of info in this one post. I know. But for you those of you wondering:
I am going to ask the doc some very straight forward questions on Tuesday. and go from there. I am leaning towards chemo, maybe not Abraxane, but most likely. But I deeply believe the missing ingredients in putting this thing into NED (No Evidence of Disease) is not going to be found in a chemo drug, but in doing some deep spiritual work and really truly taking care of my body and it's own unique needs (ie, eating REALLY well and eating for what my body needs, exercising to my body's needs, waking up everyday and my first thought being praising the strength of Spirit and my Spirit and going to bed GRATEFUL GRATEFUL GRATEFUL and then living according to my own Spirit and guidance from the higher source beyond charts and graphs and research)

And that work may isn't about becoming cancer free, but about living FULLY AWAKE. What a different ride that is indeed.

Okay, enough for now. Time to wake up the girl and get her ready for Halloween at school! COWGIRL PICTURES TO FOLLOW. ;)

I am well.
I know that today and in this moment
my Spirit and body thrive.
I don't know how,
but I rise above
and the joy of my Spirit
makes the pain of my body diminish
and I am well.
And the power of Spirit to do this,
makes me humble and happy and
oh
so
grateful.

Jenna

Chemo Round 3

2009-10-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I am hitting you all with a cold splash of water and punching you in the gut. But here we go....

It is still spreading, up my spine and in my liver. NOT to the brain. Woohooo, my idea of a head cold pans out.

But the liver makes lots o' sense and I asked "did it go up my spine" because of the pain. Sigh.

So we go back to Abraxane. I can't process all of this right now. So much. So that is that for now.

Not great, no horrid, but a HUGE challenge ahead.

Jenna

starting to make sense, Part two

2009-10-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

So, my "it's the drugs" theory isn't panning out to the doc. So she is sending me in for a brain MRI and a PET/CT to peek inside and see if the cancer has travelled anywhere new. The brain MRI I had at the onset was all clear, it would be really NICE that is still is.

I think, because of my dripping running nose, and cough with phelm, MAYBE this all over a cold. She is checking for mono. But beyond that, she just feels concerned enough to peek inside and rule some stuff out.

So off I go. MRI's are like being inside a video game, with buzzes and bangs and clangs. fun times.

If you feel inclined to take me on Monday to said appointments and you can clear you schedule for a 10:30-4:00 run, please let me know. I can't go this day alone.

Jenna

Something is starting to make sense

2009-10-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

Been having a rough month. And I think I finally know why. Once I got still, and could listen and had a few good friends to bounce my "bouncing" thoughts off of, I do believe I have a clue. I have been in pain, sleeping a lot, and unable to fully "wake up" so many days. But it isn't depression. When it is past, I am very happy, peaceful, contented, hopeful. Then this monster comes and shuts my brain off half way. I believe it is a medication I am taking. And today proved it. I was doing fine, well, alert, and then the person with me saw it, I turned "off". Like a switch was flipped. My brain started having trouble processing information and I felt drugged.

Drugged.

I am pretty sure my meds needs to be tweaked. I had asked to be taken off one of the drugs, if not also the pain mends I have been on. They aren't going to like that at all. They always deswayed me. But I am not living my life right now. And there is n point in being here, if I am going to be here, tweaked out on drugs, on my couch, feeling like do-d0. Now I am going to demand it. There are alternatives I can rely on and can put in place.

That being said, I am moving into a 5 day "completely nuture my body" phase. I have been EXHAUSTED and not stopping. As a friend pointed out yesterday, the difference before and after a nap was marked. I know I have been exhausted and unable to stop.

That is where YOU come in. If you are close by. I need your help in "restore Jenna's energy" movement. For the next 5 days, I am resting, resting resting. Doing ONLY that which restores my energy.

I also need:

Someone who can take Kara to school Monday and Tuesday. She needs to be there by 8:30.
Someone to come over and cook my squash soup, and play scrabble while it simmers.
Someone to do dishes every other day
Someone to grocery shop at PCC for some basic staples. Apples, kale, lemons, etc.

Things are VERY off. I have spent the last three weeks in a walking sleep, and starting to be unable to have coherent conversations (at least it feels that way). When I do "crash", I sleep for days and can't get my brain to wake up. People around help with Kara. But now I need help too to get through this and get some energy back.

Last week, my friends who came over on an SOS call to help said I sounded drunk. I am really calling it in. I can see the way through, and taking 5 days of letting my friends step in and take care of me is required. I have to be vulnerable and honest right now. But I can see the way through, and that means asking for help.

I have thought about checking into the hospital several time this month for exhaustion. This can be fixed. This can be addressed. And I see how. But that means needing people to lean on.

Got an hour to spare here or there. Something on that list do-able? Let me know.

FOLLOW UP: Everyone once in awhile I go back through this blog to tweak it, edit it, and clarify things, or give follow ups. This one is LONG overdue and very important to me to get out there. If you are in medical care, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY "THIS MED IS MAKING ME NOT RIGHT - WHAT CAN WE DO?" Meds are very powerful things, changing the neural synapic makeup and sometimes that damage, if goes on for too long, can't be undone. I had to be slowly taken down off this medicine, and it does make people "out of it" if it isn't good for them. BE PROACTIVE! SAY SOMETHING! There are options and the docs need to know. I have had to do this more than once, and everytime, we find out way around the med. BE PROACTIVE - it is YOUR body, and your body may react differently than the "norm". Okay? Soapbox gone ;)

Thanks
Jenna Helm

And food for thought:

Bombardment "What About Me?"
by whataboutme

Must Read Article

2009-10-13T21:00:00.001-07:00

Please, to the end.A Rebel Cancer Girl indeed. The info on research funding and metastatic breast cancer SHOULD make your uneasy. Especially after Soma, Amy, and Fritzi walked their tushies off under my name. Did all the money they raise go to met girls like me? Or just the ones they can save? Read on...

Fighting Advanced Cancer is Like Being a Secret Alligator Wrestler

Those Who Rock, an incomplete and incorehent list

2009-10-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

Jean H. ----- Jeri is a ROCKSTAR. I love fate, seredipity, God, the Universe. Thank you for her. Thank you for praying for me, brought me to her. ;) Thank you thank you.

Jeri Rocks. Best day of chemo in awhile and you just SHINE.

Mom rocks. Walked me through a dark spot tonight. Fear fear fear + shit really hurts for too long = scared little girl raising a kid. Aren't we all?

Kevin rocks. It was nice sitting with you today, thanks for the loving goodbye. There is the term LYLAS, you are LYLAB (bro).

Soma, and Amy and Fritzi --------rockstars times three. WOW. is all I can say. wow.

Choir of Light angels. Thanks Carolellen for more chicken soup. It was delicious.

WENDY! YOU DID IT! And you sounded BEAUTIFUL.

That is all I got the juice for. Something is TRIPPING OUT. Ringing in my ears for two days now, trippy stomach.........

Life is funny. Life is short. Life is sweet. Life can be scary sometimes too.

And of course....MORE music...it is better than chemo, better than blood. I plan to be an angel singing alle allelujah.....

jenna

The Walk is ON

2009-10-10T02:08:00.000-07:00

So, I have spent the last two days sleeping, with a quick jaunt out to choir rehearsal somewhere in the middle. I am a wee bit freaked out it is Friday, because I don't really remember the week. I remember going in for chemo and getting a flu shot, some nice music one day, and then an amazing day at chemo this week, and then it is like I have been in a daze and sleeping. I am trying to keep my spirit up. Going through this cycle of I feel okay for two days, get chemo, and get drug through what feels like a mild to moderate case of the flu, with muscle aches and joint pain and usually the inability to keep my eyes open one day a week.....I then spent a couple of days recouping and climbing back out, only to start over....it is wearing on my psyche. Because that one day a week of it "hitting" is drawing out into 4 days.

I know I have said I have been knowing I have to slow down and rest. I think that overdrive went out and I am resting now, because I just cant' stop sleeeeeeping.

And then it dawned on me, as I wake up in the middle of the night..

did someone say Columbus day to me?

The three day walk?

Is it REALLY Columbus day weekend?

And it is....

which means.....

Soma and the Team are WALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my chemo stupor, the loss of what day it is, I missed this. I knew yesterday for some reason, I wanted to call Soma.

SO! GO TEAM DC RACK PACK GO!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU!

SEND PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remembering hoping to be there. I am glad I didn't buy a ticket. I won't have made it there.
But I am there in spirit and gratitude and am proud of your fundraising prowess! I checked those final tallies and WOW.

Fritzi's blog was reminding us to get our regular checkups and do mammograms.

Here are a couple of things I learned along the way that could save a 20 or 30 something's life that add to Fritzi's advice:

In the MRI place, the doc has signs up EVERYWHERE that INCLUDE TRUSTING YOUR INTUITION. If you FEEL like something is wrong, go in and get it checked out.
Young women have thicker breast tissue, and regular mammograms may miss smaller cancer tumors.
Breast cancer has a higher mortality rate in those in their 20's and 30's because it is often overlooked as being a cyst because the spike in women in this age bracket. It USED to be that it was an older persons, post menopause, that got breast cancer. The reality is different now. So many young women are being "looked over", even with lumps that can be felt. I read this over and over again on the BC blogs and group sites. So we end up at Stage IV before we finally get the diagnosis and help.
Stage IV is considered a chronic disease most often now because of the progressively more effective and targeted drugs and understanding of the disease. BECAUSE OF RESEARCH and because people like the DC Rack Pack walk and raise funds and do the footwork to start research going.

Okay, back to sleep. I forced myself awake to write this and acknowledge the Walk.

I am with you in spirit!
Jenna

Naviagting Cancer Website

2009-10-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, this page rocks. It is up and coming and in development. But it is by far my favorite page for reaching OUT to your care posse. So if you are reading this, and have cancer, check this out:

http://beta.navigatingcancer.com/

If you are want to be a member of my care team, and didn't get a message inviting you, email me at cancerrebelgirl@gmail.com.

Spread the news. This is a good site for coordinating care. That is so difficult to do, because of the various forms of communication now. Facebook for some. Blogging for others. Others use phone calls, emails, or texts. trying to remember who said they wanted to stay informed. This way, I don't have to worry about bugging you or draining you with 20 emails in a month requesting care/help. It is just there waiting for you.

How to get the information out there that you need help is tough now. But this website gives you a calendar. And the members of your care team can access it and check off what they want to do without the circle of emails and texts that can literally take me hours, and I get minimal responses sometimes. Help ususally always shows, but sometime I dont' ask for the help because it is exhausting to do that dance. I am spent and tired by the time I get what I need.

Yay for someone developing this practical and lovely site!

Jenna

StopLights and The Excercise I Use to Center

2009-10-07T15:31:00.000-07:00

I am going to let you in on something I hold secret. I think it is time to let that secret go. What a waste of energy to hold onto it, and worry if I say it "out loud" I will....I dunno....be called names, or be rejected. Blah blah. I am over that now. :)

So.....the secret (ooooh, sounds like a little DVD Oprah loved).

A few years back, I was sitting at a rather major stoplight, wanting to turn. So I had plenty of time to sit and watch the cars drive by. Instead of mindlessly seeing the cars go by, one by one in an energetic colorful blur, I started seeing INTO the cars and seeing the faces of the people passing by. I wasn't trying to do anything. I just shifted consciousness unwittingly, and realllllly took in the faces of each car passing me. And then "it" happened. I started crying, because I saw something "more". I saw Gods expression of creativity in each and every face. I saw our CONNECTEDNESS. I was humbled, and cried these tears of hope and joy at how amazing it was to see the divine and sacred plan of each person passing me by. Grouching, laughing, happy, frustrated. etc. It was all included and it was all perfect. I felt connected to all things and all people and was in awe of it all.

And that brings me back to the exercise I promised a few days back. I missed my window of time to write it down in, but am back after chemo and resting. So here it is:

Take any object. I love taking a piece of fruit for some reason. But it can be anything. Your clothing, your couch, your favorite football. Really, anything.

Hold it in your hands and take a few deep breaths just to slow down the monkey mind we all have in our society. The one jumping around from to do list, to do list. And really settle into your object. What is it texture? It's color? It's weight? Take your time and don't "think" to much about the answers, just let them be and let them go. It isn't about those answers.

Now, that your focused and settled on your object. Let's say, an apple. I see it's beautiful streaks of green and red. I feel it's coolness in my hand, and I maybe smell the flavor of the apple if it is cut.

And this is the key step:

Now I start to trace it's origin and it's web.

I know I bought this at the market down the street this afternoon. And at that market, I met a very friendly salesperson who said Hi and was very kind. She helped bring this apple to my table.

I also think of the produce manager and the produce workers who chose this apple, and it's display and made sure I found my way to what I needed.

I then think about the person who drove the truck, and brought this apple to the store. I think about the company they work for, and the gas they used from some forgein country to drive this apple to the store mananger who gave it to the store produce workers, and then to me. I am grateful for the gas company who gave the truck driver the ability to make the run. I think about the truck makers, probably some forgein country, that made the truck in some factory. I think about that factory worker who goes home to his or her family and has a evening meal, and loves their child, and the family around the table that share a meal.

And my mind pops back to the truck driver here. And they family or friends they go home to every night, and share meals with, stories with, and the food they eat.

And I think about the field worker, who picked the apple, and the farmer who grew it, and the warehouse manager who set the order to the store that I bought the apple from.

And as I let me mind linger on all the connections, and the branches of the connections, and the branches off the branches of connections....I begin to shift my awareness, something shifts to a sacred and deep level. How disconnected we can feel from one another, but how truly interconnected we are in the web.

That moment at the stoplight was similar. But without warning, without trying, I just saw it all in an instant. We really truly influence one another, and are all in this together.

Do with it as you will :)
Jenna

An Exercise in Holding Consciousness

2009-10-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like expanding on yesterday blog entry, "Everything is Holy Now" sung by Faith Rivera.

Since I was a child, I have never let go of that wondrous feeling that we are even here at all. I may have lost site of it in temporary fits of fear, but in general, that sense of wonder, despite the pains of life, is never far out of reach.

I LOVE the line in the song I posted yesterday. Walking in the woods, smelling the earth after a rain, hearing the birds, reading an email from a friend who reaches out JUST when you felt alone...and they they didn't know it....all these are the little miracles that instill that constant sense of "woah, something bigger is going on here". As she sang in the song, because the fact that THIS world, this body, this mind I have, is even here, so that I can have a conscious experience of Life ....wow.

Sure, you may be thinking, "Of course, that is easy to do walking in the woods, or being loved by a friend...but what about crappy stuff like cancer, or war, or abandonment?

The ONE thing that brings me to my knees and causes anxiety in this cancer journey is not the proposition of death. We all are going to die. It is leaving my child in uncertain circumstances that are out of my control. That pain is SO deep, even writing it, my throat chokes up, tears well in my eyes. There is a physical PAIN that sets into my body. What will become of her? Will someone catch her? Will this experience make her stronger and more of a powerhouse in her life? Or leave her depleted? It is out of my hands once I leave this earth.

And that could leave me completely depressed. Spent. Done. I could only see that aweful shitty circumstance. And I edge there some days when I am really tired. However, going back to what she is getting at in this song....

What is Holy, Magical, Godlike, Sacred, whatever you want to call it....is that even the experience of anxiety and grief is born out of Love. It is beyond words to me, that we love each other SO MUCH, that we can feel THAT DEEPLY. And we feel THAT DEEPLY because of Love. And when you get into that space, you get that sense of something...beyond what we are capable of expressing in words. And that space, that stillness, where there are no words to use to describe it, is sacred.

So even my fears, even my anxiety - they are expressions that are precious and an act of love. Funny thing is, once I realize that....the fear and anxiety drop away, and all that I feel....is Love. Because I feel that connection to something bigger than me, and Peace settles deep into my heart.

The question is, we have experiences here and there, that awaken us to this sense of wonder, of amazement...of "more" than we can explain.....so how do we hold that consciousness through the dark times?

I will leave it there, for now. And tomorrow, post a couple of exercises that I do to bring me back to that state of awareness when I am feeling lost or disconnected from it.

For now, ponder it for yourself. Make sense of my ramblings, my attempts to put this all into words. When have you felt that "something MORE is going on here than I can put into words and express? When have you felt a profound sense of connection and peace and..."w"holiness?

Jenna

Faith Rivera

2009-10-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

So, sometimes I get asked how I don't just become a puddle of anxiety and nerves and hide under my blanket. But believe me, I do have those days. And what I cling to that is the truth of life for me is SO WELL put....in this song. So even when I am crying, or scared, deeeeeeep inside, in the eye of the storm, what she sings in this song is true for me. The cancer, the growth, the separation, that bad things happen to good people....it is all in here.

Today I am at home, feeling ill. I got a flu shot with my chemo. This is GOOD. It sat me still. I haven't sat still in months. And it allowed me to explore music, and I found this gem and it renewed hope. See, it is all web, and the web will always take you back to some point where there is good.

So, instead of feeling afraid, or alone in this sickness today, I feel supported and loved. Strangers are reaching out to catch me, offering me harbor, good friends cry empathic tears and send me healing prayers. And in all this there is beauty. Call it God, call it Great Spirit, call it Great Mother, call it whatever, but it is that beautiful sacred bond that fills me with Love. Just acknowledge that it is there, even in the darkest of times. It never leaves you, never deserts you, we just get wrapped up in fear and forget.

But let me stand aside and let her sing it out best. She comes around this area, and she even more powerful in person. I will keep you posted:

Faith Rivera - Holy Now

Peace and love,
Jenna

I sang like there was no tomorrow

2009-09-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

Today.

It was so awesome. I left feeling radiate. Singing with the Choir of Light.

Amazing.

Just going to go bask in the glow and let those tumor markers fall fall fall some more. :)

Jenna

And the Tumor Markers go....

2009-09-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

down down down.....despite them only hoping the slow down. They WENT down.

ah ha ha!

Now I have some flu. No chemo....and I get a stomach flu.

can I grumble? grumble grumble grumble....

Jenna

Still Here

2009-09-15T17:28:00.001-07:00

Still here and settling into our new place. Plum trees are dropping buckets off plums. All day long I hear squirrels making a ruckus and the thump thump thump of plums outside my window. Trains and boats blowing there horns fill there air sporatically, and neighborhood kids voices carry through the urban suburban backyards.

Chemo today. Nothing new, feel like one of those bags of fluids they give me to help offset the side effects of the chemo.

Getting change of address forms, choir rehearsals (gospel with Eddie Watkins Jr....sweeeeeet), and the sweet coccoon of our new home wraps me up and let's me just relax into the newness of it all.

That's the update. For now. ;)

Love,
Jenna

Meet Fritzi & Amy

2009-09-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

Soma has done a phenomenal job raising funds. And she is hoping to not walk alone. Therefore, I am adding a link to a teammates fundraising for the DC Rack Pack. Help Soma not walk alone, raise funds to find out why Herceptin isn't working alone for me, and I need a miracle drug.... (sorry to plant that little bomb in the middle there)....and find me my miracle drug ;)

Fritizi's Fundraising for the 3-Day walk. She is ALMOST there...get her there!

Help Amy! That is her on the left and me on the right in our looks like, middle school days. :)

Here is the DC Rack Pack 3 Day Susan G Komen Walk Page....and if anyone knows why to find Marty. please let me know!

Go, donate, support, love,
Jenna

Making the Move

2009-09-05T22:27:00.000-07:00

I am making the move to a wonderful Seattle neighborhood in the a.m. Very excited. VERY sore. But tomorrow I have help. We are going to rock it out and get it done.

This has been the MOST challenging time in my life. I have had to dig deeper than I ever thought. I have had to face fears and had no one to lean on, and got through. I FELT the prayer support today totally kick my anixety out the door, and I became JOYFUL and assured this is the best move for us to heal.

I look foward to resting finallllllllllllllllllllly after three long months of going going going. I mean washing dishes when my bones HURT LIKE HELL, and exhaustion had me wanting to sleep, but I had to stay awake for my daughter. I learned new depths of faith, and fear, and overcoming.

I will be offline for a week or so while I rest, go to a Choir Retreat (what.....three days W/O my DAUGHTER!) and a group of phenomoneal healing people to sing sing sing away the saddness, grief, pain, fear, of the summer. Cannot wait. ;) I LOVED singing in choir this week. It so lifted me up and raised my energy and spirit.

Lots of new new new. Happy transition to fall everyone! See you in a couple of weeks!
Jenna

The Cancer Smancher Soundtrack Review

2009-09-02T06:50:00.001-07:00

So much good music keeps me going. Really NOTHING ELSE can help me pull out of a tailspin like music can. I play piano, wooden flute, skin drums, lyre, anything. I hear music my head, and I turn it on and almost no matter what pain ails me, something moves in my body. So, while I am in transition in our new life, new home, new way of being in the world and dealing with all of its stresses and its joys, I am doing a review of all the music of the past year I have brought to this site. ENJOY!

TWO SPECIAL REQUEST THIS WEEK:
I am moving. And on chemo. And I could REALLY use some homemade chicken soup (gf) to get us through this week. My stomach, very sensetive, and this special dish always always always heals and give me energy. But I am unable to make it in the midst of the transition to the home. If anyone could please be a dear, and I will reimburse you the cost of the food if need be.

2) Remember to become a Follower. See the sidebar. It helps keep you up to date, and help me know I am writing for SOMEONE out there. ;) Thank you to all of those who have signed up so far.

And don't forget to move it today!

I start off with a new piece to this site: it is inspired. And it is one of the things that keeps me fighting to stay here as LONG AS I CAN, when I just want to lay down and rest.

Sound of Music Train Station @ Yahoo! Video

Now to the year in review:

Xavier Rudd

Eddie Vedar - Big Hard Sun

Michael Franti and Spearhead "Say Hey I Love You"

Orien "Her Morning Elegance"

Chumbawumba - Tubthumping

Patty Griffin - "Heavenly Day"

Neil Gaiman - Blueberry Girl
While not "music" this inspiring book I gave to my daughter, as a special reminder to carry her through all stages and ages of her life, if I am not there to remind her personally at some point. (Sorry folks, I can be on chemo for years, but a cure MUST happen for me to be at her wedding, or hold my grandchild (who she promises to name Serenity for me)

Stevie Wonder - "Supersitous"

Xavier Rudd (again) - Yirra Curl

Muppets - Mannahmahnah

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten
You have to go to her website - no embedding allowed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lFXy5bIiSA

Michael Franit and Spearhead again! "A Little Bit of Riddim
A Little Bit Of Riddim feat. Cherine Anderson

Maddona and Justin Tmblerlake - "4 Minutes" because the riddim in this is just too hard to pass up and dance to. Brillantly done.Madonna - 4 Minutes

There is so much more music I use to keep the energy going on the hard days but they don't have videos: Google:
Stephan Mitchell
CSL Choir of Light Seattle
Monty Python Songs & Skits

Namaste
Jenna

A Lull

2009-08-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

There is going to be a lull in this blog because I am moving to a place I am very excited about. Out of the big house, into a small duplex, great neighborhood, just my size, great streets to walk, kids for Kara to play with, the beach minutes away, and four cool neighborhoods at my doorstep.

My house is boxes. I keep stubbing my toe.

I am cranky, tired, excited, happy. I am a rollercoaster of emotion.

New beginnings.

I did put out this status report on Facebook:

Can anyone take in a overtired, stressed out, cantankerous, crabby, stubborn, temper tantrum throwing child? Oh, and my kid needs a place to stay too. :P

Thanks for the invite to the lake, Dida, what a WONDERFUL afternoon! Perfect Seattle summer day. So beautiful.

Wait till the drip drip drip....or as it was last year...snow storm snow storm, snow storm.

Let's dance:
Madonna - 4 Minutes

Jenna

And the Pendulum Swings

2009-08-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

Back to just getting this body through another night. Amazing. Just amazing watching this dance. I am great, I am fine, and I awesome. I am shuddering, and stuttering, and am leaning on your prayers, and energy, and phones waiting at the ready. But tomorrow will be better. Or maybe the day after. But every week, this passes. In it, it feels intense, like birth. But I have gotten through every week. And I will this week. Tomorrow, if not tonight, I will make a phone call, someone will take Kara, I will curl up, wait it out. Saturday will be bright and sunny. And everytime my body goes through the cycle I will be saying hasta la vista to another bunch of cancer cells. I will rest, recoup, take the good days and see where this crazy road leads.

Jenna

A Thought on Chemo and Potted Plants

2009-08-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

No no no, not THOSE potted plants that the state of washington made legal for people like me. I don't do the whacky weed.

I went to the Center for Spiritual Living Sunday, like I have all summer. And we had a guest speaker. I believe you can hear the whole talk HERE. I myself, didn't get all into the whole talk. Maybe I was more inspired by the convertible mustange, red, with the hood down in the parking lot SHOWING me manifestation of our dreams. But one thing leapt out....I had to share:

He talked about how potted plants can get root bound and die. You have to give the plant a bigger and bigger pot or piece of land grown in, or the roots choke themselves out. In order to let a plant thrive, you move it to a bigger pot, and those roots start to force their way out into the darkness and the unknown, to seek out the new nutrition they need to grow. Those roots take up the life force they need and thrive not by staying small and wound tight, but by reaching out into what''s new and untapped and unknown. Rock it! So cooooool. Sooooo true.

It just sticks with me. With SO many change this year, I sometimes feel like I am on the verge of just crumbling under the weight. But as Dida says, rest, and when you feel rested, and not in pain, decide from THERE how you REALLY feel. Otherwise your reptilian brain, the part responsible for the classic fight or flight response sets in, and you can only make decision based on fear. Usually fear of the unknown.

My biggest fear is that I am CRAZY trying to raise a young child, undergoing chemo, surgery, and no family around for 1,000s of miles. AM I NUTS! I just free fall into faith in a new day when things get overwhelming. And guess what, I AM doing it. We are both still here, still happy, still loving, still living. I AM doing it (albeit maybe a grumpy mamma somedays), we are making out way out into the dark, the unknown, and drawing up the life force we need to thrive.

It gets easier with time to practice this. The art of Faith.

I had a discussion with someone tonight, whom I consider a friend I deeply appreciate, and was hearing about a tough time she was going through with a close family member. Her family member was ill, and it was out of her hands to help. The choice is now her family members to make. To make the changes to live, or die. And I just got a reminder how it might be for some of you out there. Watching from the outside, wanting to help. Hearing/reading emails from teary eyed friends from far away wishing they could hop a plane to help on those hard days I feel like I am going to break. Perspective, gaining perspective for YOUR part in this journey.

Cancer is NOT a disease of an individual. It's effects and lessons ripple through the entire community around the person plodding their way through (or leaping and laughing their way through) or how ever they cope.

Thanks for being the net, and all the prayers and all the support in ANYWAY you give it. Wether it be strange summer squash turning up at the back door, the mowed lawn, the clean kitchen sink, or the phone call or email saying "Thinking of you!", or the pray at the end of the day.

Rock on Cancer Rebels, rock on.
Love to you and as that speaker said, "Stay conscious"
Jenna

Random thoughts and becoming still

2009-08-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

Random Thought #1) Oh, the sauciness of Rebel Girl. Guess what I found sitting in the parking lot at the spiritual center I go to.....

A RED mustang convertible with it top down. Ha ha God has a sense of humor. ;)
I also unwittingly ran into the man who owned it, before I knew HE owned it and walked out to see him get into it. We had a chat. Synchronicity. Follow the synchronicity. I was actually heading to the car to take a pic of it for the blog when I saw him get into it. We talked, but I was too shy to ask a complete stranger if I could take a pic of his car.

Random Thought #2) And I share this quote with you, my dear friend Susan always says to me:
"At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires to assist you." I always find this to be so true. If this week is any indicator, free falling into faith you will enjoy the fall is a good way to live.

Random Thought #3) I have spent 3 months, parenting, from surgery to chemo, alone....24/7...and only now am I getting cabin fever and the honeymoon is over. GRUMPY mamma I am becoming. Poor kiddo. Almost to school! Almost to school!

Random Thought #4) Packing, with the thought of carrying the lightest load with you, is SO freeing. Puerto Ballardo here we come!

Random Thought #5) I am tired. Chemo is starting to have it cumulative effects. Not bad this far into it. But oh yeah, less and less days of energy, more and more windows of opportunity and laying down is starting to take precedence over much else.

Random Thought #6) Life is good. Friends are wonderful, and even with grumpy - love is pervasive.

Random Thought #7) I am that interesting to have 7 random thoughts worth reading? No...so I share...MUSIC! Dance like God is watching. ;)

A Little Bit Of Riddim feat. Cherine Anderson

Peace and Healing
Jenna

Refocusing, Moving Forward sassy pants and all....

2009-08-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

I must have some energy rising. I would like to say that my alter ego, Cancer Rebel Girl has quieted down a bit after stirring up the dust (and apologizes for the swearing grandma!), but my friends and family have pointed out to me that "THERE'S the girl we know and love!". Or 'Dida put it, "not an alter ego, just a sleeping dragon waking back up". Ha, ha ha. Love you all right back.

I guess this is a more "serious" posting, but don't worry I still have my sassy pants on. (Soma, I am going to take that one for as long as I need it to keep me going).

I have long neglected my workspace for these past few months. But all this reawakening energy, despite the ongoing chemo, has me pulling back to my ideas wall. On it, are posted 25 pink post it notes. 25 Ways to Stay Out of a Cancer Funk. It just keeps coming back up this week. Actually, it has been calling me back for a month. But life has me refocused.

I sat with them, pulling down the ideas: Progressive Muscle Relaxation, Hypnotherapy, If you Can't Move your Body, Move your Body in Your Mind, Gratitude List It Out. Speaking of gratitude, I am SO grateful for the time I spent at Bastyr. I wanted Art School. And got called to do Art Therapy and started at Bastyr, with a degree in Health Psychology. I went on a quest to understand the cancer that has afflicted my family (first my father when I was 13, then my nephew when I was 23). I never knew how I would take these theories from my Health Psychology degree from page to being road tested. Now I have this intimate understanding, that just reading or watching someone go through it, can never really touch.

Guess, what.... they worked.

So for all those people who have asked me to write, I promise, I have not forgotten. And I am still feeling the pull to put these on the page. I will move those ideas from post it note, to paperbound in some form or fashion over the next 6 months. Once my daughter starts school up again, and my days are not about getting through chemo with a now 6 year old in tow, those post it notes will move down one by one. Maybe I will put it on PINK paper.

Here is a shout out to my nephew, Hawk. My daughter brought him up tonight, said she was letting her "voice rise up to those who are spirits" now. He has walked me through this journey in his spirit. How a 5 year old carried himself with such in the NOW energy, moment to moment, laughing right up til the end. I learned that was the key to life. When he was scared, he was scared, and when fear passed, he was playful. When he was in pain, he said so, we helped him, he moved on to playing. I have had this picture I took of him up on my kitchen wall for a couple of weeks, "talking" to him as I pass by for encouragement to remember to be here NOW. He braved his journey so young, with such grace. Thanks little dude for the help along my way. Love you.

Note from Cancer Rebel Girl....Planning Idea

2009-08-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

Cancer Rebels Unite! (go here to see what I am talking about...)

So, here is what I am thinking......who out there has connections to Fremont Arts world? Who do I contact regarding a parade? I am thinking much like the Solstice Parade, we do floats. One for different types of cancers. Each one celebrating LIVING and THRIVING and saying "NaNaNA-na-naaa-na" to cancer's image of sad people who must hide because....you know...we might...gasp DIE! (SIDENOTE:Check it out people, we are all gonna kick it, how do YOU want to go down?). Someone got hit and killed outside the Cancer Center....Cancer isn't really related to death. Death is related to Death. I am going to LIVE til I die!

Back to the topic at hand:
We are a growing thriving community that won't cower in the shadows and be afraid. Like the Gay Pride Parades, but instead Cancer Pride Parades. I think we should even have on float dedicated to Stage IV of all types. We are different lot all together. :) We can get pretty damn rowdy!

We ride through Fremont, and land in Gasworks Park, and there, we have a couple of kick ass motivational speakers (eh, hem, Sean, if that really is YOU emailing me....wanna be a part of it?), and then when sing and drum and dance to celebrate LIFE.

There is ONE more element to this, but I have to talk to the person directly about it first. But it is still too soon to speak of it. ;) Got to leave you in SOME suspense.

Oh, this will be soooooo good if we can pull this off...

P.S. Want to keep up to date on this? Follow this blog (see sidebar on right side)!

Jenna

Meet Cancer Rebel Girl andJoin Her Cause

2009-08-12T00:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight, after chemo, and in a fit of rage against cancer NEVER taking my spirit, and seeing bloated nasty pictures of Chemo Girl of last year...well, Rebel Cancer Girl was Born. Fuck you Cancer. You'll never take me. You may make me cry, but I am SO much stronger than you!I have meds, and doctors, and healers, and herbs, and FAMILY, and FRIENDS, and LOVE AND JOY AND YOUR GRIP ON ME SHALL PASS. I thumb my nose and you and I have a mission now. Here is the story:

Meet Cancer Rebel Girl- she is going to go say f&$@ you! to cancer and get her dad's cherry apple red convertable mustang drive with the top down across the country banishing fears around cancer and living with a fire burning in her belly so fierce cancer flees and crumbles from the sheer force of Cancer Rebels passion to free us all from living small!!! Masses will join her, and cry out to once and for all say hasta la vista you crummy insignificant disease. We shall thumb our noses at you as you flee from our Pure Joy and Thirst for Living. Ha! Cancer Rebels Unite! At the end of our parades we will gather in fields and sing and dance and stomp out the fear and start living with a cause - to NEVER let it take our SPIRITS. Cancer may TRY to eat away at your body, or your loved ones bones, but let can never EVER take our SPIRITS - we give that away by choice.

I SEE PARADES, full of people celebrating life and defining their cancer journey's for themselves. Need to banish a cancer fear that grips you? JOIN the parade. Wear your rebel hats, laugh, scream and drive those cancer cells to the shores and drown them in the joy of life!

Live in Seattle? Wanna to join a group that spearheads this cause, gets the city involved, raises art funds from the local government, and inspires other cities to rally to the cause?!!!! Seriously, friends, family, survivors, loved ones who stand it the place of those whose bodies have fallen, but whose SPIRITS live STRONG and rebels.....let's see what we can create..march, walk, dance, roll your wheelchair, hell - roll on your gurneys with your nurses in tow, IV polls allowed...email CancerRebelGirl@gmail.com and FOLLOW this blog....see links on sidebar to keep abreast (ha ha ha) of the updates. I am eyeing the Fremont Summer Solstice Parade next year......LETS DO IT.

Seriously. I have a cause. I am on a mission. Here we go........

Jenna
eh, um...sorry
Cancer Rebel Girl

Chemo Climber and Cancer

2009-08-11T19:08:00.001-07:00

Once again, wee bit inspired (just only a tiny bit...lol) that Sean Swarner Top just recently made it to the top of Kilimanjaro, my old stomping grounds. This organization is dedicated to getting other cancer survivors to realize their climbing dreams and reminding them, with the right help and organization, you can do it too. GOSH, I need that right now. ;) Inspiration to be DONE with chemo and get a move on. Thin air, here I come ;)

http://www.cancerclimber.blogspot.com/

Jenna

Sean Swarner

2009-08-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

Doing amazing things......this dropped in my Facebook Inbox today:

..for the add. i really appreciate it. how'd you find me anyhow? have you seen these 2 clips?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVQGAg-k4bw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTGi1MhxtEM

maybe you could share those with everyone you know!? :)

thanks again for reaching out. i really do appreciate it and hopefully you know someone who'd like to see one of those clips!?

- Sean

Jenna

hmmm, double dose of POW and gratitude

2009-08-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, day whatever of this rough ride. Seems like the antibiotics are helping, but now I have the chemo pain. How to describe this pain...

Imagine there is a tiny robotic submarine, no DOZENS of tiny microscopic submarines being set out into my bloodstream, latching onto muscles throughout my entire system, pinching and twisting and attacking bones with tiny hammers.

Ouch.....I mean....oooooooooouch. BUT this will pass. And tomorrow, both of these things will be behind me.

What rock stars I have around me!

Kevin, thanks for the spotless kitchen, a delicious smelling dinner, and a mowed lawn - all while I slept like I haven't slept in so long! Thank you Candida for sharing your hubby and the deliciously clarifying talk about what fear does to the brain and what rest can do to help! And the yummy yummy dips and sauces for when my stomach is ready for food again.

Thanks for the phonecalls Mom, Michelle, Susan, and Jules (however brief and nonsensical I was during it) and finally...

thank you Jim, and Sharon, and John, and Evelyn, and Jason for taking Kara for soooooo long, while I huddled under warm blankets (that seem to derail the tiny submarines attacking my muscles).

I really felt like this net was thrown under us as soon as people knew I needed it. Despite my fears of being alone in this, you help squeltch those fears.

And Kevin, you do have a great singing voice! When you get back, we will have to plan a jam session around a campfire on the beach with anyone in the area wanting to jam!

Thank you thank you thank you! I needed to just sleep. My only regret is missing Iska's birthday party! I have been looking forward to that since the invite. It sounded so cool. Ihope you are all snug in tents, listening to owls squeak!

Happy Birthday Iska and Elena!
Jenna

Rough Ride Update

2009-08-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

1) Feel so much less scary today, woke up understanding....I am SICK, not just chemo'ed.
2) Got Bug somewhere she could be because I couldn't keep my head up off a pillow. Once again, she understood
3) Got an ND in, and she said sinus infection (and somehow I feel sick all over too), so antiobiotics are on the way
4) Sweating and sleeping it off, lots of fluids.

Wew
Jenna

Rough Ride Night

2009-08-06T22:10:00.001-07:00

Wow, talk about digging deep. I laying here in cold sweats, my insides shaking, and freaking out how I am going to get through the night. I missed my window to get to my friends house, thought this would hit tomorrow. But things are settling down after a rough ride.

My daughter, is amazing. Amazing. After playing around me, watching Dora, and doing puzzles while I slept on and off on the couch, and managed a decent lunch, and back to sleep til 3:00, we pulled it out and managed to get her to her first swim class. She BEAMED and it was worth it. It was close by, or I wouldn't have done it. But it was worth it. After a decent dinner of healthy leftovers, the rough ride returned in force. I was pushing hard through fatigue, and that is where her amazing-ness came back. She retreated to her room for some journaling time, because I explained the drugs were making me feel very tired again.

I callher down for bedtime, I am shaking but she comes down. Brush teeth, she cooperates, I explain she needs to sleep downstairs, because I am so tired, i can't get her back up to her room. She says "okay" and we read Mr. Potters Penguins, and I say I have to sleep. In a cold sweat, she starts to read, I catnap as she manages herself. She can't sleep so early but knows i want her close. She gets what she needs, gives me hugs, journals, reads to me, reads to herself, turns on a CD of stories and falls asleep. How amazing is this child. No child should have to go through this, and she rocks it.

Now to get over my own fears. Next time, I head straight to my friends without waiting to see if it turns. If it turns, I can always come home. But getting through nights like these, is much better not alone. But at least I have been through this before, and have that voice in the back of my head saying, "It is JUST this, and it WILL pass, tomorrow WILL be better". And it already is. I am doing what I need to do to help myself, and it is settling down. Tomorrow will be better.

How deep can your strength go? Pretty amazing.

Thank you good friends for calling and answering the phone today Marcia, Kendyl, I heard you, was just asleep when you called. Candida, always a blessing. Rach, thanks for the daily dose of love and laughter, Mom, thanks for taking the time to walk me through big decisions, and Soma, rock on. And Evelyn, special shout out for the LATE NIGHT talk to help me make sound choices, your friendship is greatly appreciated and I admire your calm insightfulness in other peoples storms.

I may need more help coming up friends. The slow accumulative effects of chemo are slowly setttling in. My rebound not so hot right now. Moral support appreciated, practical support GREATLY appreciated. I have all the ingredients for dish I am unsure I can get around to making, for Bug and I to eat off of for the weekend. Any cookers want to come over for an hour an whip it up if this doesn't shake off? Any chicken soups by the back door are appreciated!! Needed even. I am starting to not keep up.

And whatever angel left the summer squash at the backdoor, thank you! ;)

Off to sleep it off now that the stomach is settling down and the cold sweats are abating.

jenna

Jenna

Unwritten

2009-08-02T22:51:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been grappling with fears. How to start over, will I have my body strong and functional again enough so I can go hiking, learn to surf, dance, parent, love, travel. I know when I tangle up with fear. And I am getting wise enough to know, if you just move forward, fear will pass. Momentum is the antidote to fear. Because my conviction and spirit have proven stronger with time and practice, overcoming fear is easier. I was beginning to panic about what the next chapter in my life might look like.

I heard this song. I have heard it a million times in the background of grocery stores but never paid attention. Until this week. I "heard" it. It fit so perfectly. I have been tangled up with my fears of losing my strong young body to a diseased aged less functional body. And I realized, it was all just that fears. I can handle my body and live the life I desire....I will find my way. Others before me have. I can ride the coattails of those cancer survivors before me, and use their momentum to not get stuck.

This song below fits this insights so well....

Tomorrows page is blank. I don't want to fill it up with, "She sat with fear, and fear made her sit still, so she sat with fear, and fear made her sit still....."

So, once again, cancer, I say to you, na-na-na-na-naaaaaaaaaaa-na, I win.

Now go dance it out:

Jenna
P.S. If the fluid and somewhat disorganized nature of this post bothers you, I get to blame it on the meds they give me at night. Make me kind of "flighty". So have fun, even if it doesn't make sense, just enjoy the song and dance!

10 things I know for sure about cancer thus far

2009-07-31T18:01:00.000-07:00

1) cancer is a noun, a thing, not an adjective - it doesn't describe me
2) cancer will show you were the cracks in your foundation are, and force you to fix them, or crumble
3) if cancer breaks things down, take it as a gift that you can rebuild things right
4) cancer makes you look in the mirror every morning and ask, "Am I going to live in fear today? Or am I going to live Free today?"
5) cancer can get you cool t-shits like : "The Chemo Made me Do it!" (came in the mail today)
6) cancer will freak you out - no, check that - the unknown will freak you out
7) cancer can give you the chance to celebrate life, forgive easily, and rejoice in the small things
8) cancer doesn't mean you can't rock - check this guy out: http://www.seanswarner.com/ (if you heard my recent fears - that I will never be in shape enough to hike/climb again)
9) cancer doesn't think, people think, and people think cancer must be all your think about, but it isn't
10) cancer is like a truth serum and will freak some people out and draw others to you

with love,
Jenna

P.S. To Rachel. I am SO sorry. I did a bad bad thing. I thought you KNEW. I really didn't mean to smack your psyche and heart out of the blue like that on FB. So, in honor of your lightness, and your ability to rebound, I am editing this post and sharing with the rest of the folks here the silliness we share as we have grown up together. I do apologize for you NOT knowing all this time! So in honor of our sisterly silliness and in the spirit of apology and silliness, I post what you posted to me for all to share in the sisterly silliness:

And Soma Did It 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk DC here she comes!

2009-07-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

Soma and all the wonderful donors did it. What a WHIRLWIND day!!!!!! It went above and beyond the 2,300 and went on to 2,400.....how high can she go?

If you want to see this thermometer do the nifty little trick of rising to the top and blinking you must go here....http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=109491588877&h=FTpBz&u=jXi67&ref=nf

If you want to see it go to 102% donate there too....there is no limitation to the good you can do!

Go Soma!

Coolness - no no - HOTNESS

2009-07-29T09:46:00.001-07:00

Goal: $2,300.00
Achieved: $1,150.00

In the past 24 hours, things have gone CRAZY - as of this moment - it is now 2,200! $100 to go! Go Team Go!

Seattle thermometers aren't the only ones going up!

Soma wrote on FaceBook today that someone annoymously donated a generous amount towards her 3Day Walk goal. I want to take a moment to say Thank You to that person, and to keep the ball rolling.

Let's do some math shall we?

2,300 - 1,150 = 1150

So, you may not have $500 to plop down. But what if everyone did:
$10 = 100 people donating
$20 = 50 people donating (we can do that? can't we?)
$40 = 25 people donating.

And look at all the wonderful ways you can break it down. If you donate $40, some else who doesn't have $40 could donate $10 and it all evens out. I think NPR makes most of it's money off of small pledges, not just HUGE ones. We can too.

Get Soma to D.C.'s 3Day! Save the Ta' Ta's. GO HERE to her donation page.

Herceptin has saved SO many lives and extended life span for Stage IV breast cancer patients from months to decade +???? It came from research.

Somewhere in some lab is a researcher on the cusp of finding the drug that is my miracle drug and throws this into remission for good. They say they are close.

So what does your $10 have to do with it? Let's try this:

don't drink a Mocha for 3 days, one for each day of the race, and put that money into Soma's fund. Call it the 3 Less Mocha's, 3 more Lives campaign. And let's get Soma to Race for the Cure!

Jenna

Why I Will Love Every Second of Time Here - Gratitude List for July 29, 2009

2009-07-29T02:12:00.000-07:00

1) Time isn't linear. So cool. There is no end point. Ask Einstein.
2) My daughter is growing up, and turned 6 now. 6! And she is a handful, but awesome.
3) I loved sitting in my gardened patio, watching the sun go down behind the hemlocks and cedars, talking with Kris. And finally being strong enough to get outside my own drama and be there for him this time.
4) Knowing that while I am sitting there, eating sweet blueberries for dinner because it is too hot to eat anything else, and Kris and I catch up on love and life, my daughter was laughing and playing at the lake and getting in a visit with her dad and her dear friends who love her like family.
5) Electricty, because Seattle houses weren't made with air conditioning, so we need fans. Lots of strategically placed fans.
6) Kara's pea plant finally grew a pea pod!
7) Daydreaming, and I am not going to tell you about what ;) Because it is my daydream. So I am just going to tease you with it and keep it to myself.
8) Feeling lightness of spirit.
9) Feeling like the chemo is working and checking only to find the lump is completely gone. Not a trace can I find. NADA. It might try to take my body, but my soul it can NEVER touch and I KNOW it. Na-na-na-na-na-naaaaaa.
10) Just the sense of peace and serenity that is following me around wherever I go, even if I am sad or scared, I just have this sense.....of something good around me.

Jenna

Much much better

2009-07-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

god bless Stella...such an amazing healer. I am so grateful for the multiple levels on which she works to help you heal.
of course

Which brings me around to music...

music? Why?

Finding the feminine. Calling her back up again. She is getting lost in chemoland. Blagh.

"But Jenna,", I hear some of you protest, "this musician below is a dude. A hairy dude, but none the less, a dude playing music. how is this calling back the feminine?"

Let me 'xplain.

Okay. there is much too much talk of people hiking, and kayaking, and bellydancing, and finding themselves in forests. Now this earth, she is a SHE. And I miss her. I miss smelling rain on a hiking path. Or hearing owls freak me out with their wild calls at night. I miss dangling from cliffs looking for Apache ruins, and I miss sleeping in a tent.

The Earth is a She. And She is ALIVE and full of destruction and creation. All in one.

I know, I know, I got this cancer biting away at my bones, this veretabra. Damn. I wanna climb again. I want to learn to surf. I want my body back in shape so I can do Tree Pose even. I can't even do Tree Pose anymore! AH! I am getting antsy.

Now now now, this is NOT a pity party. More of an angry party in my head. I am allowed to get angry about all this sometimes. Sitting around a fire beating a drum, and pounding the earth, calling up something inside me. If I can't go there with my body, I will go there in my mind and remember all the great hikes.

But my god....I feel thirsty for it.

So, I turn to my dear Xavier Rudd (yes, the hairy hobbit dude who so AMAZING captures the voice of She Earth and all her sexiness). And close my eyes, and remember the waves, or the large cedars towering above me at night, and use it as motivation to kick cancers ass. Can you tell I am feeling fiesty tonight?

So if my many damaged vertebra and hips can't shake it, or hike it, or climb it, I can close my eyes, listen and remember when I stood in the Arizona desert in the middle of the night, shaking my rattle with the others under a full moon, and dancing around a campfire again with REAL drums playing around me, and friends stomping the earth along side me.

But for now, motivation to keep healing when the healing gets tough.....

Someone get the plate number

2009-07-23T20:58:00.001-07:00

Of the mac truck that just hit me?

Holy Moses! OUCH!

Two weeks in a row. My "chemo hit" day has changed. So apparently I get a free ride 5 days, and 1 one of Ouch, and one day of Oh Great Joseph and Mother Mary - who parked the semi on my back and beat my ribs with a bat?

Wow....I can't even twist boxes around and point and say "put that one there" anymore. New life paradigm. Reliant.

But by the grace of a goddess named Ms. Direction, and Divine timing my child was whisked away to the low tide beaches while I stayed firmly hidden under my blanket. If she was here, oh dear.

Jenna

What sweet run is this?

2009-07-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

So, chemo today. Double dose of Herceptin so I can have a WEEK OFF NEXT WEEK!

I did it. Made it through round #3!

I am having such a beautiful serene moment. Went to chemo. Had a nap while Becky played with Kara and tidied up a bit for me. And then, my energy CAME BACK.

We went to the grocery store and got some yummy salmon, cooked said salmon and broccoli and had a lovely dinner around Kara's birthday ring (picture to follow), went outside and potted a rosemary bush, and some dahlia's and played hide and seek in the garden with some shells that Kara retrieved today at the beach with Becky. We decided to just leave the shells, they looked to pretty and provided good water dishes for garden faeries.

And now, jazz in playing, the kitchen is clean, Bug is sitting in her indoor fort quietly reading and I feel.....at PEACE. WOAH. Serene. I think if I didn't have my ovaries out, and I had another child somewhere down the road, and it was a girl, I would name her Serenity. It is a good quality.

Now to wrangle the wee child to bedtime and call the day Good. A good day to Heal.

Jenna

Rack Pack

2009-07-19T21:41:00.001-07:00

My old high school best friend and warrior goddess of all warrior goddesses is doing The 3 Day Walk. Help find a cure. Save the Ta Ta's and a Life! Donate now!

This year, I'll be participating in a very special event called the Breast Cancer 3-Day.

I'll walk 60 miles over the course of three days with thousands of other women and men. The net proceeds will support breast cancer research, education, screening and treatment through Susan G. Komen for the Cure and the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund.

I've agreed to raise at least $2,300 in donations personally, and $5,000 as a team. So I need your help. Would you please consider making a donation towards my goal? You can give online at www.The3Day.org. Just follow the link below to visit my personal fundraising webpage and make a donation. You can also call 800.996.3DAY to donate over the phone.

My small walking team, the D.C. Rack Pack, is walking in the name of my childhood friend Jenna Smith Helm, who is deep in her battle with Stage IV Breast Cancer. 2 years and still fighting strong and sassy! I am walking for her and I am walking for her daughter, Kara.
You can read all about their story here: http://jennas-journey-to-healing.blogspot.com/

According to Susan G. Komen for the Cure, approximately 200,000 American women will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year, and nearly 40,000 will die from the disease. That's why I'm walking so far. To do something bold about breast cancer. I hope that you'll share this incredible adventure with me - by supporting me in my fundraising efforts. Please feel free to forward this email to anyone you think we like to support this cause.

Thank you in advance for your generosity!

Sincerely,
Soma Brodhun

P.S. Ask your employer if they will double your donation through a matching gift program!

Click here to visit my personal page.
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/WashingtonDCEvent2009?px=3597725&pg=personal&fr_id=1303&et=n3FGO_TiUGsd5WPjWLa7Gw..&s_tafId=85071

Click here to view the team page for D.C. Rack Pack
If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address:
http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/WashingtonDCEvent2009?team_id=105281&pg=team&fr_id=1303&et=j_H449CnLe2oELSLkT_xiA..&s_tafId=85071

For more information about the Breast Cancer 3-Day, Susan G. Komen for the Cure or the National Philanthropic Trust Breast Cancer Fund, visit http://www.the3day.org/or call 800.996.3DAY.

Click any of the logos below for more information about that sponsor/partner.

Steroids Insomnia Night

2009-07-14T00:44:00.000-07:00

Okay these steroids give me insomnia the night of chemo.

So high, from the middle of the night.

Zometa - Navelbine - Herceptin - Zofram - Atavan

daily Neurontin, Oxycontin, and some anti-seziure/anxiety drug (god bless it).

I want to interject something here.

I am all hippy earthy mother type. I want to go all natural. But as you can see, I am a walking pharmacy. God bless it. It keeps me here, and moving. I have had time with pain meds. I have TONS of pain med controls that are all natural. I think I am on such low doses of pain meds because I do all that other stuff.

On another note. Currently, I am on anti-anxiety drugs. GOD BLESS THEM. I do not have the time to give to the natural methods. I will get back to them soon. I feel it. But right now, I am going through a divorce, parenting alone (for now), and dealing with financial stresses, and cancer uncertainty. I hit my end point and took the meds to think clearly and make good choices.

I say this because this blog is filled with lots of natural ways to help keep your mood up while going through all this cancer smacher stuff. However, know your end point and know when to get the extra help.

I am not depressed at all. But one girl can only handle so much uncertainty, lack of sleep, and body doing freaky shit before a little med help can be of SERVICE to you. I feel like myself again. I feel clear headed and sleep better. Aaaaaaaaaah.

I say this for those trying to stay all natural, but maybe feeling ashamed that maybe you need some medical help.

So for now. I am a pharmacy. I am honoring the mix of natural empowerment of the bodies immune/stress system, and using adjacent medical help.

I think I am starting to see my patterns. Seeing where I need help. And seeing where I need to do some work to keep this boat afloat. I am scared, and hopeful, and looking forward to what life will be like a year from now. ;)

This morning Kara and I took a walk in the misty morning park, finding gardens, and creeks, and moss to give to daddy when she sees him next. I felt normal. It was beautiful. I the simple things in life never change. Nature is always there to heal, children are always there to keep you in the present moment, and friends are always there for hugs. THAT is what life is about. The rest is transient.

Love, love, love
Jenna

Nevalbine, Herceptin, and Zometa, oh my!

2009-07-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, I know many of you are wondering what the trip has been like this week. A little bit of everything really. It is following the ebb and flow of the past chemo. Wednesday it felt like I had a flu, but then it broke around 4:00. Today, I felt GREAT in the a.m., then the aches and joint pains set in in the afternoon. A short cat nap, and lots of water helped tremendously. So many WATER is the key.

By 5:00, my energy was back up and I was hanging with my daughter like nothing happened. It is just all over the place. After watching it this week, the two keys to getting through this will be:

1) Daily naps. My daughter and I have already started up a booktime. She sits on one end of the couch and reads, I sit on the other. I have the option of napping while she does. She rocks. This kid, just rocks.

2) WATER. As stated above. When I get feeling achy, drinking water seems to almost immediately help. So I must be dehydrated.

I am going back to my weekly acupuncture. She is a healing goddess and will help me weather this round. Something feels, easier, all around. Lighter this time. Maybe it is like having a second child, you've been there, don't that, know this will be the same, but different. I dunno.

On a completely, rocking fun note......Sharon emailed me yesterday saying I HAD to try to win tickets to have lunch/concert with Tori Amos.........and I WON A SPOT! So I am taking a dear friend, who only ever gets to see the back of Tori's head at concerts, and giving him one of my passes to see her up close and oh so personal. Thanks Sharon!!!!!!!!!

Jenna

What a difference a drug makes

2009-07-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

Wow. Just wow. One two fronts. Let's go in order shall we?

First of all. In the waiting room for chemo, I usually put myself in a protective bubble. So many people see us "young ones" and have this look of pity. A double take. Is that a PORT TUBE coming out of YOU .....I even hear it often, but you are so YOUNG!

But Monday, this light of a angel sat down next to me and I did something unusual. I had a hunch she was a breast cancer gal too and I introduced myself. And she was. She was filled with smiles and light and good information. She was a Herceptin girl too, but she was allergic. And guess what, she was just like me. Stage IV, in all the same spots. And guess what, she is in remission now for awhile, but still gets weekly chemo. She's been through 13 drugs. She went on to tell me there are many others "like us", who have been around the block for 14 plus years! Pre Hereptin and all. She was just full of life and I love her for sitting down next to me. She gave me Hope.

And now the second bit of good news. I feel great today. Even after the steriods have worn off. I spent the day gardening even and getting as much in order in case the cumulative effect hits over time and my backyard is as far as I go. Bug is all set up too with backyard games, sidewalk chalk, lots of mud pits, and mint to eat. I feel GOOD. COOL.

Here is hoping this means this drug is what they said it would be, easy. ;)

Oh thank the Lord. I feel the earth stabilizing under my feet after two months of feeling like I was walking on quicksand.

I wish I had some good pics to share of my gardening work. But I don't yet.

I will share this though, a link to some inspiring music. If I feel this good, and stay this stable, I plan to join this Choir of Light. Always with the music. It can keep me moving and my spirits lifted. I sing around the house allllll the time. I have always wanted to be a part of a choir, but this one is "different". Check it out, click below and listen away.

The rendition of Amazing Grace is, well, amazing.

It is so amazing to me, to be going back into stage IV chemo, having my family transition, and still have Hope.

Cancer may take my body one day, but it will NEVER break my spirit, even when I am scared and overwhelmed, there is always the light waiting.

Jenna

The Big Ole Heap of News and Updates

2009-07-05T16:23:00.000-07:00

Wow. How to sum up the last two months.

Surgery. Went well. Didn't do the trick.

Marriage in transition. I will be going this journey alone now and that is all I will say on the subject on this blog. Sometimes, cancer brings you closer together, sometimes it helps you realize where you need to heal on your own. I choose on my own.

I am now a single mamma......who is......

going back to chemo tomorrow.

I have been busy trying to do TOO much. I have refocused this weekend on just BEING with my daughter. We've been busy planting and caring for our backyard, since that is probably where I will spend most of my summer. Lots of herbs planted. Grasses that sway in the breeze, butterfly attracting flowers, sprinklers, ring tosses, and sidewalk chalk. I just wish I had a hammock and we'd be all good.

I am also busy getting setup to undergo chemo with a child in tow and no in home backup. Good news is that this new chemo drug is suppose to be as easy on me as Herceptin. We just have to wait and see. I sure hope so. None the less, I have to heal, and I have to heal in the middle of a divorce. So I am looking for a live in doula/student/massage therapist, in exchange for free room and board. Top priority. But again, if this is as easy as Herceptin, I must just be able to pull this off with LOADS of help from friends. Don't be shy. I will need WAY more help than last time and I am not ashamed to ask for it. I have my daughter alone all summer. No camps, etc. Just her and I. If I get things set up just right, and things are too hard on me, this might be nice. I will keep you posted.

We had a rockin' 4th. Actually got down to a parade AND a fireworks show together! We had a great time.

I am a tad bit sad to start chemo, but more in the realm of being afraid of the unknown. Good news is, once again, I feel stronger than ever in character and heart.

Let you know.......back to blogging........
Jenna

Hopefully a Hiccup because I refuse to give up my good times

2009-05-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know how long this blog has been quiet for. I have been having such a good time dropping off my daughter at school, and having energy to play with her and take her places. I have also been talking one film school class and my passions have come back to life. I forgot how much I wanted to do film work and it has really lit my life back up. I go to sleep excited and wake up excited.

I have thought, "I should blog". I forget people actually follow it. But I was LOVING LIVING and having long stretches of not thinking about cancer at all. Coming back to the blog would have popped my bubble.

But a month ago, the Lupron had a hiccup. It did make me menopausal. We thought maybe we were just too late with the second dose. But after the second dose, I got a period too.

After that last period, my energy has been hitting the wall. I can feel that slow drain, like sand in an hourglass. And I was starting feel so tired, I was getting shaky and going to bed at 5:00. I knew none of this was good. But was hoping I was just "doing too much".

Not so, the marker are slowly starting to creep back up, like I thought. It was confirmed this week. That plus the Lupron not working means we have to act. And so we are going to either do radiation or surgery to shut down the ovaries.

I have an appointment with the radiation oncologist today (Hi Astrid!), and will know more about what is next. My medical oncologist thought that we could get me into radiation faster, but she isn't sure it is the best answer, so she is referring me to Astrid to see what she thinks. My medical oncologist thinks that we could get me in faster and therefore shut down the ovaries faster. And it would be less invasive. BUT ....I get to decide which sounds better.

And I JUST got a call from my oncologist. I have NO VITAMIN D in my system. Wow. Vit D is vital in combating breast cancer. So i am going to go a special hi-dose perscription form. She said it isn't uncommon in Seattle. Wew. Glad it didn't mean something in my body wasn't working right!

Okay, so the sand is shifting shifting shifting.

Pray I shift with it well.

Final joke:
You know you are living in a strange cancer world when:
You have a message on your voicemail saying, "Hi Jenna, I had some thoughts about your ovaries, I will try you again later."

Surreal.

Jenna

Time to Transition

2009-04-07T19:43:00.001-07:00

I once read on a Stage IV board........"Do cancer on chemo days, do life every other day". It feels like that those words are ringing true more and more. As I get on my feet, and life begins to return to me (drop offs for school, brunch with friends, art, errands, etc.) it feels like I forget all about writing on this. Admittedly, the past few times, I have forced the entries, not wanting to abandon you all when times are good. But I do find I want to write about what interests me, and life more.

I am brewing my transition back to my Full Circle Life boards. I want to talk about life as it pertains to life, not cancer only. This is GOOD. I feel very very done with cancer. If it weren't for the scans and 3 week pokes, and meds taking me for rides, I wouldn't even know I had just gone through all that.

I am looking at joining group blogs. I have seen a few, where several people who've been there, done that, gather and take turns at posting. That sounds far more healthy than focusing on just myself.

So, this board may get dusty, and cobweb ridden. But for now, I will still post, maybe once a week, until I get the Full Circle Life boards up and running. It just feels like the time here has run it's course for now. I do hope to continue to share what will be helpful, and as I have the thought and inclination will post for those scouring the internet for help. And I am still writing up that book. So as that comes to fruition, I will post.

Not totally being shelved, but not the weekly updates on ME anymore. ME - I am living my life again. And easily forget to post at the moment.

My day today was spent not trying to get over a drug, or deal with pain, but picking out colors for Bug's room, and experimenting with a new acyrlic blotter on my collages. :) YAY! That life thing!

So, keep popping in if you want to know where the book is at, or are in need of a guidepost/advice on how to deal. But this is no longer an update on me. Me.....I am living.

Jenna

I am Not My Disease Part 2 - Cancer Smacher and the Oxycontin

2009-03-31T08:33:00.000-07:00

I have been having another tough week. We are adjusting meds. One to help with side effects of the estrogen blockers, and one for pain. Oxycontin.

Because the Neurontin is a pain killer too, and it was working well for my hotflashes, the doc started to stairstep me down off of the Oxy. Much to my happiness. That drug really alters your chemistry in a big way. I could feel it. In it's big "hit" form, Oxycodone, it almost shut down my breathing. But I slowly adapted to the Oxycontin.

Let me tell you why I took it. If I sneezed, I was on the floor cussing. The tumors on my spine caused GREAT pain. I muscled through, until I had to start chemo. And realized it was going to be too much to try to do. Heal cancer smancher and manage pain. I manage pain REALLY really well. People didn't even realize how much pain I was in. I am not a whiner. So when you hear me whine.......oh boy.

Back to present day. Adjusting to these drugs has been tricker than chemo-world. I am up, down, and all around. And depressive feelings.......really deep depressive feelings.....like pushing a boulder off you in the morning, were coming out of the blue. I was happy one day and crashing the next.

I mean, come on, we are trying to rip all the estrogen out of my body in one foul swoop. It is gonna to be a rollercoaster.

Yes, we stabilized that.....for a week. And then.........coming down off Oxy. Oh Oxy, it isn't a nasty a Oprah would make it out to be. It was a godsend. I needed a break from the pain. But coming off it, even when you aren't addicted to it.....can make you crazy.

The nurse was surprised at I might be feeling the chills/overstimulated mind that were moderately debilitating, over stepping off one pill, when my dose was so low already. So, she is upping the Neurontin.

And this is where the grit your teeth, and find all the resolve you have left to stand back up once again after being knocked down comes in handy. This SO wants to take me into "I give up" land. But refuse. I didn't go through all of this, just to give up to some silly drug!!!! But trying to argue with the side effects of said drugs just doesn't work. If it is going to take you down, it is going to take you down. The thing is, how to manage not to lose yourself while it all happens.

The difference is this....keeping that inner voice whispering...."This is not you, this is not you. This will pass, this will pass. You will get back on your feet. You will get back on you feet.". Because, man, it is so hard to taste "balanced, and happy, and moving on....." only to go back to feeling physically abused land.

So, this is my reminder to myself and to anyone else out there dealing with getting knock down, and knocked down, and knocked down.....

I am not my disease.
Scans cannot even say for sure where it resides,
if it resides, in this body still.
But the little frisky demons of doubt it left behind,
can be far fiercer than their creator.
The ravages of it's charge,
left scars to remind me of it's attempt.
And my savior, these drugs, have their dark sides.

But, I am not these drugs.
They altered my state,
change the chemical reactions in my synapses,
but that doesn't change me.
I, and You, are far bigger than synaptic space and neural networks.
They are just the framework to hang our souls on.
When every cell has been dismantled,
and you see that to be true,
you will be grounded in reality far more
than the mind can ever take you.

So I remind myself....

I am not my condition.
Conditions pass.
I AM, that still small voice,
telling me, I am none of these things.
These things are like a dance,
happening around my core.
Creating a vessel
to house a spirit.
And because my body has been broken apart,
and all that is left,
is this brilliant core,
I am reminded of this truth once again.

I saw this light in others,
when in childbirth, I was pushed to the edge.
Exhuasted, and fading,
the world became only light.
There were no chairs,
There were no windows, or walls.
No heart monitors, or IV's.
Just space and light.

People, embodied, faded,
and they became currents of light,
strong currents,
balls of light,
balanced one on top of the other,
held together by a core so brillant,
their words becames chords of sound.
I was taken to the core of all things,
near death,
and if you saw these things,
would know true beauty.

I am back to that.
The core of all things.
I am getting wrapped up in this exterior dance
and letting fears stifle me.
I am believing I am these drug reactions,
I am believing I am these chemical reactions,
I am not.
And neither are you.

And when you are pushed to the edge,
and you when you fall
you fall with grace, instead of fear,
you will remember that too.
And even in the darkest of times,
you will feel your light.

Jenna

A Little Love Note from the Cancer Smansher Friend

2009-03-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

Dance while you can folks, dance while you can.

Look folks, those bones mets, and those meds have me moving like a little old lady.

So for ME, PLEASE.......

get up and shake you booty.

I dare ya'
I double dare ya'

Jenna

What I did besides Chemo #2 Acupuncture and Cancer Smansher

2009-03-21T20:00:00.001-07:00

It was the day after my first chemo treatment. Or somewhere shortly thereafter. I don't know. It was all a blur. I just remember being on the couch, my goddess of a mother in law sitting quietly by in case I needed anything.....and I remember thinking "What the hell did I just get myself into?".

I could feel it in my veins. Everything going acidic, and heavy. I felt like I was being taken apart cell by cell. All I remember thinking was:

"This does NOT feel like healing energy.....what have I done?".

And then, my acupunturist came that day. She talked to me, about what, I remember very little. But she set me up with what supplements to take, what to avoid (to my shock, she even told me not to take my vitamins on days I felt like I couldn't, because "your digestive system can't break them down, it is too damaged. All you will do is cause more harm"). She assured me a time would come when it would be time to drink green drinks and take my multi's, but today was not that day.

I knew I was working with the right person.

When she went to go leave, my mother in law said, "Oh, my goodness! You look SO much better. Watching you wither was saddening. But NOW, look at you! You have energy back, you have light in you again!"

And that my friends....is what an acupuncturist can do. Not just any ole acupuncturist. Stella is an acupuncturist and naturopath mixed with part guru, and part energy visionary.

There was this pressure, because I graduated from a naturopathic medical school, to "go green". But I did what we teach. I listened to my body. And my body told me, "You need the chemo". Not out of fear of dying, but because my body's wisdom was strong. If that is what we teach, than we had better practice it, even if it goes counter to the "natural" healing movement.

And Stella agreed. I was blown away. She honored my body, and guided me through my journey thus far. You can change doctors. You can change hospitals, but you can't take away Stella.

She knows cancer. She knows the ways the hospitals and doctors run in this town. And her goal is to do everything to support what they are doing, not to undo all the good they did, but to not allow it to do damage, and to enhance the bodies immune system to help in the transformation.

She allowed me my anger.
She allowed me my fears.
She allowed me do whatever I had to do, and taught me to honor the process.
Dance if I felt the urge.
Sing if I felt the urge.
Scream if I felt the urge.
Hide under my covers, if it was what my body was ASKING for.

If it weren't for her, I never would have allowed myself my "crazy" days of crying and rage about it all. I would've tired to stay strong.

If it werent' for her, I would've tried to do too much, not stay in bed on the days I needed it.

And when she walked in, and said, "Are you have this, this, this and this happening...." and I said, "How did you know?!" She put a needle there, there, there, and there....problems resolved.

I attribute my high immune system counts to here. I attribute my overall sense of well-being to her.

When people in the waiting room starting coming up to me and asking "What are you doing? You look so healthy, I don't understand why you are here. I see you every week.....but, you don't seem sick. What are you doing?" ......I gave them Stella's number. (yes, this happened more than a few times in varying degrees.....).

This process with Stella, while it gave me vitality I otherwise would have lost, it didn't come easily. Some days were detoxing days. Some days I was so low on energy...and Stella would make sure I honored it, and rested. So I could have days of pure energetic bliss.

It didn't make all the ills of cancer go away, but it sure made the journey much much better.

She really worked with so much attention to the whole system. She didn't want to flush out the chemo, but she did want to direct it to where it needed to go, and leave the rest alone. She wanted to heal the areas of cancer, but not at the expense of a spleen or liver. She had me eating things I thought were taboo (Sorry Kris Carr, but I ate homemade, organic, chicken soup), and on the days I told her how angry I was feeling, she would just say, "That's the liver cleansing itself. BE ANGRY. Don't hold back." And she would just nod her head knowingly and act as if I just said "I won a Noble Prize in Peace".

Really? Shouldn't I be all sunshine, and rainbows and love? "No." And she was right. But in allow the dark times, I stood in the sun way more often.

She encouraged and worked on all levels. Emotional, physical, energetic. And still is. This healing isnt' over, even if the cancer goes away all the way.

So, here is my golden nugget of truth.......find yourself a good acupuncturist. Not one associated with the hospital. My fear is that they are screened to fit the hospitals slant on healing. Ask around the cancer world, find one with a good GROUNDED reputation. I have limit patience for quacks, and "airy" types. Two feet on the ground and a deep knowledge of the human system beyond body parts but not up in the rafters of the spiritual world either.

Neither one is balanced. You need balanced people around you to heal.

Trust you instincts, not other peoples opinions here. This is an intuitive process and trust your own voice.

I am currently awaiting word from Stella if she is open to more patients. Until then, ask around. If she is open for more people, I will post her contact info here.

Sunshine, happiness, and rainbows!
Jenna

Neurontin to the Rescue

2009-03-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

So, since taking Neurontin to help the side effects of the current treatments, my life is turning around. It really feels like I am coming out of a cocoon. It all feels like it is behind me. If it weren't for the painful joints/bones, I would swear the last year was all a dream, but those pains remind me to keep eating healthy, and to remember to place myself first in the line of "to dos". I had not realized how in a depressive funk I had gone. It was so slow and sneaky. I knew I was fighting it. Everyday, I got up and felt like I was pushing a boulder up a hill, trying to keep the funk from becoming a full out depressive state. The Femara and Lupron were really doing a hack and slash on my mental/emotional/physical state.

But now that I am standing here, mentally, emotionally, and almost physically stronger....it is hard to believe what I just traversed.

I just feel like I can do and handle anything in life now. Life still has it's share of hurts and trials, I just don't doubt I have to the tools to handle them. And new founded faith in my own strength is finally set in.

With that, I am moving forward! In January and February, my posts were far apart because I was so mentally fogged by the treatments. But now, my posts are infrequent because I have a life again. Not so much couch time. No so much nap time.

I am beginning a business/service venture I actually had a vision of when I was 19. I was driving down the road, not thinking of anything but the beauty of the Arizona dessert at nighttime, when BAM, visions of my future race by, like a movie screen. I saw so much detail, including my daughter. Yes, in this vision, I had ONE child, and she was about 7. She is almost 6 now.

So, this is why I always knew I was going to make it through this. I held to this vision I saw at 19. Strange, but true. I even wrote it all down and sealed it in an envelope....which I opened during chemo treatment.

And what was inside the envelope is finding me now. It feels like a synergic effect happening. With very little effort, and perfect timing, I see it all coming to fruition.

One of the most exciting developments is that my dear friend and mentor, Marcia Wiley, a local glass artist, is handing me the reins of her long running creative workshops! I will begin faciliating her Artist Way Seattle workshops! Thank you Marcia for the honor!

At what timing! In May, I receive my Soul Collage faciltator certificate. I will be "offical". What a compliment to Artist Way.

Meanwhile, I have begun writing a book that will be for anyone with cancer, caretaking someone with cancer, or social workers and therapists to use with their clients. It is not going to be autobiographical. It will provide easy to use tools to help those going through cancer treatments become self empowered to keep their spirits high. While the body may be going through so much, we CAN still cultivate our sense of well-being to be strong and bright. I will bring together my experiences with treatment, my education in Healthy Psychology, and the tools presented to me by the remarkable people surrounding me on the journey. (No, I don't have a publisher, but if anyone has some practical advise on self publishing, or how to get your book published, please let me know!) I am very excited to write this, and will even make xerox copies and hand them out, because I see a need for this as I sit in the waiting rooms and watch, and listen. This is my gift....

But that is all I will say for now.....

I will bring you Installment Number 2 - Alternative Therapies I Used.....soon.

Thank you for signing up under followers. It helps me keep on posting! I know there are more of ya'! So, keep on signing up to follow this blog. Lots of GOOD stuff on the way.

Til then,
shine bright,
Jenna

Living a Healthy Life Despite Cancer Treatments

2009-03-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

In this entry today, I am going to share the first of three "alternative" or CAM medicines I used during my course of treatments. These three therapies were, in my experience, the thing that made the difference. I needed the chemo, but these three modalities were key in my well-being and healing.

People in the waiting room would come up to me and say, "I know I see you here every week, for months. But today I see you with the tube coming out of your port. I can't believe you are here for treatment! I always thought you were here to be with someone getting treatment. You look so healthy and happy. Why?!"

And here is WHY:

Complementary Therapy Number One:

Hypnotherapy
My dear friend, and Healthy Psychology research partner, Julie Borovik, was in her first year of grad school for Family Therapy when the little "c" came knocking. She urged me to immediately go to Cai Bristol, a noted local Seattle hypnotherapist to begin. Julie was in New Mexico, in training and didn't want me to wait for her to be done.

I will admit. I was resistent at first. If it weren't for my trust in Julie, I never would have sought this out. But I feared hypnotherapy. I feared losing control, or it really not working. But I went, because I could see the difference it had made in Julies' life and I trusted her.

I was blown away. It wasn't scarey, I never lost control of the situation, and I felt such a healing effect immediately.

I walked in at that point, with low energy. I was still walking, but tired very easily. At the end of the session my energy was RADIANT, and I walked around the Ballard Farmers market for a couple of hours, in no pain. It was incredible. Utterly incredible.

Cai gave me a CD that week. After an intake session, she gave me a unique, scultped to my situation, CD of hypnotherapy I could do at home. For us, we focused on feeling empowered, hopeful, and clearing out the cacner cells. What is interesting, is that my white blood cell counts never fell below "normal" range, and WHEN I DID THE CD she gave me, felt like my energy and sense of well being soared. Any time I felt really down, low energy, or scared, I put in the CD.

I will admit, I played around a bit, to experiment and see how much hypnotherapy was really helping.

My healing experience went WAY up when I did my hypnotherapy CD Cai made me or when meet with Julie. My sense of wellbeing soared as well. When I didn't do my CD or ideas Julie gave me, I plunged or just "got by". If I could redo this experience, I would include a DAILY DOSE of the CD's given to me.

The good news is, Julie is now practicing hypnotherapy herself. She took over my hypnotherapy sessions once she returned. If you are in the Seattle area, and would like help as you journey through your cancer experience, contact Julie at:

Julie Borovik CHt

Clinical & Medical Support Hypnotherapist

206.200.3852

She will be the first to go into my "toolbox" on the sidebar.

My hope overflows that even when we feel like it has the best of us, we will rise to the challenge and face cancer with a sense of well-being!!!!!

Jenna Helm

Just a reminder, to sign up as a follower on the link below to make sure you don't miss an entry.

Thanks Mel - Ilana Yahav

2009-03-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

Doing okay today. Got ANOTHER cold of a different variety. Oh well. At least that is all that is all. The girl is home with it too. We watched E.T. and made popcorn. Sunny day.

Wow, could this be any drier and dull to read? Okay, I will shut the yapper and share this cooooool tidbit I found in my inbox today! Thanks Mel!

Jenna