Going off the Grid

Hi all! I have been having a creepy feeling lately about how public this blog is becoming. It was intended to be for friends and family who genuinely wanted to follow my progress. A way for letting everyone know, in one shot, what is going on and how I am holding up.

But in light of emails and commentary posted to my blog, I am seeing that is going beyond the reach of genuinely interested people, and into the realm of people I don't really know, and in turn,I feel like a soap opera digest. Blugh.

Therefore, to protect the privacy/safety of my family, AND to keep this free from unsolicited commentary, I would like to make this a member only board. IF you are interested in following my blog and journey, please email me a simple email. In the heading write "Keep Me Posted".
Please know, if you were on the original list of people I sent, I do mean you. If you are someone I don't know well, but were referred to this blog....and want to read on, email me privately.

For now, let me think on this and read up on blog/privacy issues to see how open I can keep it.
I want it there for other moms going through this too, those I don't know.

Hmm, thinking, thinking.....

Thanks,
Jenna

Mamma Loving Healing

"Mom, you are the greatest healer" said a groggy Bug, in the middle of the night, as I curl on the end of her bed, rubbing her legs. Growing pains have woken her, and called me to her.

"Thanks Bug."

"It's true, your welcome." she says, sleepy smile. And drifts off. I say, maybe I should doing healing arts when I am all done with this cancer thing.

She raises her head after a minute with a HUGE sleepy smile:
"Mom! You have cancer, and yet you STILL heal me! You grew up a healer and you are a healer despite your body is sick. You, are a mamma-lovin'-healer." And then lays her head back to her pillow, smiling.


that kid
jenna

Magnet Exact Quote

peace.
it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.
it means to be in the midst of those thing and still be calm in your heart.

The Burning Questions, Answered...maybe.

Okay, now that my energy is back, I have loads to catch up on. So multiple post day.

That being said, two topics I have been watching circulate the discussion amongst friends/family. I think they need some air time here.

BURNING QUESTION #1

Q: But why did this happen to Jenna? She is such a nutritious eater, walks and meditates, is young no history of breast cancer? Isn't that suppose to make you immune to cancer?

A: That answer is obviously a "No. Apparently not." So let's look deeper into that on.
There are two levels to this question. The physical "why", and the spiritual "why".

Psycho-Spiritual "WHY?"

There is no "get out of life" free card. No matter what you do, what mountain top of spirituality you climb, or the good you do or don't do in this world - we still are spiritual beings in human form living under the conditions of physicality. Short version: We break. Now, by doing our inner-work, we can sure boost our immune systems, and keep illness at bay better. But as my Health Psychology professor told us in Psycho-Nuero-Immunology, "Sometimes, you just get sick."

There is this picture I have of the Dali Lama. I love it. Yes, he has a gentle smile, kind eyes. But I keep it, because.....he has glasses and wrinkles, and is stooped over. His enlightenment didn't keep him looking 25, and disease free. But it sure does help keep those eyes gentle, the smile kind.

I am moved at how highly people seem to assess my spiritual prowesses as something higher up on the "scale", but never ever do I think of that as a way to avoid suffering and life. No one can. It does, however, inform my REACTION. If anyone wants to "spiritual" Jenna blog, email me. I will pass it your way. For those who want a really amazing book, try "When Bad Things Happen To Good People". Good read. It should be handed out on Graduation day along with "Oh, the Places You Will Go".

The Physical "WHY":

I have heard so many stories now of woman in the 20-30's who are diagnosed in Stage 4 . Mainly because of what so many of you have said about me, "But you are young, eat well, exercise, no family history." I have stumped the nurses over it all. But genetics may be playing a part here. We will find out. Maybe not breast cancer genetics, but a syndrome that effects the genes and shows up as several forms of cancer in a family line. So far, we've had them all show up in the last three generations. So we may test to see if that is what is going down the family line (shutter at the thought of Bug having this mutated gene, but I can't even go there right now).

If that isn't the case, we still have toxins. And this is where my warrior cries out "This toxic soup has got to stop!" I have always felt that way, but even more so now. We are SO separated from natural, so numbed out, we can't even see the imbalances. I believe we are beginning to. And I hope it hits everyone like an addiction. The more natural you go, the more you feel how off it all is, and the more natural you become and we make the world a greener place. No gene splicing plastics required.

Burning TOPIC NUMBER TWO

I have chemo brain. And I don't remember what that was right now. hehehehe. Seriously I can't. And that was long enough. So it will wait for another time.
So, I will leave you with this:

Blessings,
Jenna

Stick a Needle, there, there, there, there..and...there

I love love love acupuncture. :)

She did in one day, with 10 needles, what no drug could do, and my body feels sooooooooo much better. :)

Thanks Anna K for Stella. She just rocks!!!

I know I have all types of people reading this blog now. People I know and people I don't know. So i have not been sure how much to delve into certain details.

But the acupuncturist just undid a nasty side effect of the pain meds that the doctors were kind of struggling with and throwing more pills at. YES. yes yes yes yes yes. :)

Pain meds can cause constipation. YIPES! Who wants to talk about that. But really. In healing cancer, from my point of view, you need that GI system really working for you all it can. You are clearing out LOADS of stuff, and your GI system is it's way out. So, if it isn't working, you aren't getting the most out of your chemo. PLUS my body feels worn out and malnourished.

So, to have the system moving again, instead of paralyzed, without chemicals and dependency, is so key. NOW, I am a real savvy nutrition girl. I know what to put in my body to help it with the chemo, and to help it from becoming paralzyed again. This to me tips me back into the feeling of "my body can handle this".

I am so doing things BOTH ways. I know I have an amazing medical oncologist. But she doesn't really understand that I would rather have a Rx for acupuncture, and save the drug for the times the body just can't quit do it on it's own. This experience has reminded me, I am hear to learn and to teach and to UNITE two fields.

I am so much happier today.

Jenna
(who reserves the right to talk about GI systems, and have mood swings, and giggle still)

Not really sure what to say today. Don't want to be false happy, or false sad. Just kind of hanging in a limbo land of not feeling so great and a little "lost" feeling. Had a fever of unknown origin two days ago, and have been run down since.

But today, I had a wonderful visit with an acupuncturitst/ND who really helped me feel heard and understood in ways I am used to speaking about my body. Not compartmentalized, and seen as a series of undiagnosable symptoms. But she really took time to see the whole picture, and address issues without throwing more pills at me (which seem to make me feel less and less like myself).

So, now with the steadier mind post-acupuncture, and a GI system that is finally moving some, I have a renewed effort to really BALANCE this journey. All the meds, and meds for side effects for meds are starting to make me hazy and unhealthy. So, next step is to find more balance between what my body can do on it's own, and what meds I really really need.

I am just blessed this acupuncturist/ND can come to my house once a week. She is in no way advocating a one-sided approach, and wants to make sure we are working WITH chemo/the docs, but yet speaks "my language". Very helpful.

Still, feeling kind of, I dunno" hazed/lost/chemo brained. It is hard to not be independent and to rely not only on someone for Bug, but myself as well. My wonderful mother--in-law is heading home this weekend after a two week stay with us. And I am not sure what we are going to do next week.

I have plenty of people wanting to take Bug, but we really need a long term in-home help situation. I miss her. She misses me. We need to be together. So, I am asking the universe to give me the energy I need to pull that together.

Not ever entry will be all bubbly. But it doesn't mean I am all down in the blues either. It just is what is going on. Truth = power to act.

Stay cool, dry, and happy this weekend.
Jenna

Post Chemo #2 Day #1

Chemo went smoothly last night. Lots of visitors from start to finish kept me from sleeping like the Benedryl that I had given me was wanting me too. But it was good to see the friendly faces. I had hoped to collage, but appears the Benedryl they give me might make me too drowsy to do so. Humph.

Today is still going pretty well. They said usually hits 24-36 hours after the treatment was administered, which was very true last week.

Today, quietly watched for the edges of it, saw it coming, medicated properly. By midafternoon, I had those nasty body aches starting to make little storms of pain erupt briefly here and there. Took my meds some more, didn't really stop it. So I turned to my ways.

I got out a meditation/visualization CD for Chemotherapy from a brillant woman who has thrived beyond cancer herself. I did the three tracks for post-chemo and was pain free and finally asleep. Amazing. ;) Now, I am just incredibly unable to keep my eyes open, but pain free still.

So, it is about being a good body listener. Small meals when hungry starts keeps nausea away. The edges of pain in my hips means stop moving. Pain in muscles/joints means it all stops, pull out all the help and get to sleep for a good while.

Learning. Learning.
Jenna