Hereafter - Trailer (HD)

Wow. Thank you Clint Eastwood. Thank you.

Jenna
(who is living life, not writing about it at the moment)

Your Semi-Coherent Overview of Restarting Chemo

Don't say I didn't warn you:

Okay, Day 1, 3rd time on Abraxane in conjunction with the continuing biotherapies (Herceptin, Tykerb, Zometa). Cancer counts not tooooo high, but not staying put down low. So, without alarm, we restarted today. I kind of thought it was a joke, and it would just go away. Denial.

So here is the short short version:

I managed to do this with a great deal of CALM, a tinge of sad, a swig of "but I don't wanna be left out of life again dammit" and then onward to be a big girl and take my medicine.

(If anyone wants to design a "get your big girl panties on" tshirts like Soma and friends did for the Breast Cancer 3 Day, that would rock)

Not tooooo bad. Definetly got the chemo cocktail today. Went from feeling vibrant, to feeling like I took a good dose YUCK. But at the end of the day, not tooooo bad. Wondering how to traverse this time round.

I just have a general calm. Did my life stabilize after a year? Woah.

Cool. Take the "long view" as someone I know says often.

Night,
Jenna

Changing Habits

So this is a edited blog entry, originally posted on an amazing Metastatic Breast Cancer board. We were talking about "Are we doing enough?" and about making changes in our lives to support as healthy a lifestyle as possible.

There is a myth about Met. BC. That we die, quickly, and all we think about is death, and we live miserable lives because of death.

Uhm, n-o.

These women thrive WHILE going through sometimes, often times, brutual treatments. I have met many a women now who are going through this 5, 8, 10, 12, 18 years!!!!!!!!!!! Not 2. Sorry. Nope.

And the key on this board, between living in fear, and thriving is making positive changes that enhance our immune systems, and turn victim into warrior-goddesses. Someone recently said we were like sticks and twigs, all woven together, creating an unbreakable nest in which we can heal safely.

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Tthere is a system in Health Psychology about the stages of change. We had to study this thing UP AND DOWN AND ALL AROUND.

Basically, it looks like a spiral staircase. Along it are:
No feelings of desiring change at the beginning all the way to an integrated "no thinking" involved new habit.

But instead of a staircase, it is like a slide. As we progress through the stages (from no desire, to "hmm, maybe I could feel better", to researching, to attempting to change, to full integration) we will ALWAYS backslide at some point down the spiral.

And this is where Pema Chodron comes in about loving kindness. I am re-reading her book "When things Fall Apart". So much more poignant this time 'round. I was just reading the section on meditation. (or in any conscious work we do)...where we can see ourselves for who we TRULY are, and when we fall out of alignment with our purpose (such as meditation and thinking) we simple observe ourselves/actions/thoughts without judgement and label them ("thinking, eating sugar, self-loathing - or whatever your break from alignment there is) and then simple choose to refocus our attentions on what we are CREATING (health digestion, healthly self image, etc).

Maitri is what it is called. The act of loving kindness. We can do it with no one else until we can do this with our own journey. AND it is the key to moving yourself back upward on the spiral to positive change.

I can't help but just send KEEKS (actual name changed) so much love for her earnestness and her honesty on her journey. For some of us the journey is about food and coming to peace with it (or into alignment with what is wellbeing for us), for some of us, it is about letting go of feelings of unworthiness that pollute our bloodstream with chemicals that cancer loves, most likely, as in ANY human journey, it is all of the above. And at different points in our lives, it is about different issues as we do become conscious beings.

And that is what this board is all about for me. A privileged to sit in a sacred circle with other women who are understanding this journey on a conscious level (even when we fall asleep to ourselves momentarily).
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In-Joy
Jenna

Okay, breaking the silence with this. THANKS MEL! :)



And life is coming full circle and to a better place all around. Not without it's learning curve, but none the less, a freedom. And I feel this way, having to return to chemo and all. I think I am learning from mistakes (or life lemons). Rough week, full of every possible mistake, yet I knew there was wisdom in this and waited it out with a few tears and got the "ooooooh, I get it!" message of the week.

Hope anyone reading this is in good health and good spirits,
With Love, always In-Joy

Jenna

Getting Oriented after Chemotherapy

The ebb and flow of long term disease treatment is, well, disorienting! (In case you've not been reading...being disoriented has been huge the last couple of months). So I took a break.

And I wrote this:

The Blessed Fool

Oh, the blessed lucky fool!
Who can stop along her pathway
Turn her dirty face toward the dusty path behind,
And see!
Thorny briars, painfully crossed,
Shredded clothes snagged and torn,
And the sole worn shoes long ago discarded...
And Realize her nakedness,
Save for her ruby ring,
and laugh.

Finding my way slowly, patiently, compassionately and sometime frustratingly... :)

Jenna

It all hit me...and then..........

It is Time...I have to admit to it, I just want to be like this child and hide under my covers for a few weeks. Let all this pain and disorientation pass. But I get ahead of myself. Let me start here:

I have been having a tough time lately. My POWERHOUSE through method is failing me (duh!). I would LOVE to be impenetrable to life's curve balls, and be shiny ALL the time. I tend to hide and be quiet and not let people know when the sour of life's lemons has just been too much. And I want to hide under the covers and just pray and cry and hope someone will save me. I know, life doesn't work that way. We lean on each other, we help each other along, but it, in the end, is YOUR decision as to what you do about it. How do you traverse the "I've had too much, my nerves are shot, and I just want to cry and drink red wine on some Tuscany hillside town." Oh, right.....life says "not right now!". So what then?

I don't share EVERYTHING here, because I want to protect the privacy of those around me. I decided to put MY journey up, not expose others journeys. But I can say this... I have been battling with the the loss of my identity. I think many long term cancer patients, chronic pain patients, or any other variety of life altering events, can attest to this feeling anywhere on a scale of 1 to 10. I am about a 9.

To save my life, I have had to be tossed in a blender , and the "chop" button hit several times. In between blade churning, there was a dash of body acidic chemicals here, and new drug chemical there, take that body part out there, oh and that one too, strip as much estrogen as humanly possibly from hormonal make up, and rearrange my neural synaptic make up, and add a dose of pain relieving radiation there (thank god!).......... and in the middle of it, rearrange my entire life (home, marriage, work, home again,)....pour into chilled glass and serve.

For the first time in a life....I hit the proverbial brick wall. Or as Paul Simon wrote "believing I had supernatural powers, I slammed into a brick wall". My old bag of tricks isn't working....(No Yoga, music outlet, or flavor of Ben and Jerry's is touching "it"). I know I need a new plan. I need to accept my new "new". But how?

It is scary. I did what I had to do to get through this year. I have been told that I am one tough broad as they say. Yet my body and soul are telling me they are raw, desperately in need of the attention I gave my cancer cells. I need to give equal attention to my mind/soul as well....and NOW. They need a break from the life altering stresses. But how? I can't travel the world...or climb a new mountain peek. I can't sit in a monastery for a month and chant and pray. This mountain that looks like Everest, I am sure is more like the foothills of Everest, but it feels none the less, like I might need some help.

Today, I called out to friends and said "HELP! Something just isn't right here! This isn't ME! Something is off!"


At the moment. I feel like a cartoon character who, after a good smack to the head, has all those swirly stars and loopy eyes. But it is abating, and my sight is slowly refocusing. My friends dusted off my dirty face, swept away the stars and tears from my eyes, stopped my head spinning (I just can't get Daffy Duck, with his spinning beak out of my mind). Now it is up to me. Thank you dear dear friends. Count this girl lucky and blessed to be loved unconditionally.

So, now I can really hear my body, my soul, and my mind are truly disoriented. I can hear them calling out to STOP.... get rest, rejuvenate...but was at a loss as to how!

Then I came across this blog entry from 100 Days in Bed..... a brillant tidbit. She post it on the Crazy Sexy Life website. Hitting your brick wall? Wondering how to get back up without drastic life altering changes? She is BRILLANT. My whole point of this post is to get you to her site. These images are from that site.....says it all.

I will leave this to you to go to her site and read. I won't re-post it here, because she deserves to have her feisty site of "There is another side....and you will get there! I did!" blog be visited in its own right. Please do so!

All I will say is, "Week One, Day One......" Don't know what that means....read her blog. Thank you adventure girl. Writer of comedy, and savior to those battling life's lemons.

Jenna

A Few AWWWWESOME Retreats for Cancer Survivors

So, I am in a bit desperate need of respite from all that has transpired last year. While a few choice pharmaceutical and herbal options have calmed my frayed nerves to think straight again, I am going in for the deeeeeep quiet I need. In my searching for a place to rest my mind and heart, these resources came to me. Thought I would share.

1)Harmony Hill - This is already on my list. Across the streets for the Hood Canal, this center is for people experiencing their cancer journeys. It boast two FREE retreats. A One Day retreat ...and a Three Day Retreat...for FREE. Lodging and all. If you are under the care of an oncologist, you may do personal retreats for $80. And the accommodations are hands down the nicest I have seen for this price. You can even bring a caregiver along for the free retreats as well. For those without cancer effecting them, they offer PAID retreats. These support their free cancer program.

2)Doe Bay - a non cancer specific retreat center. Anyone can go there. And in the summer months, indeed they do. This is rustic retreat center on Orcas Island.... with a twist. From campsites, to yurts, to rustic cabins, to fancy cabins with full kitchens, baths, electricity....eat in the cafe, or use the guest kitchen. There is a guest bath, kitchen, yoga studio, cafe, general store, boathouse, soaking hot tubs, stages, gardens, etc.....

3)Breast Cancer Recovery: This is specific to breast cancer, and not the Northwest. Retreats to revive to soul. See the link for more info.

4)Kids N Cancer - this is child specific...for children "afflicted with cancer". It is Greek Orthadox based and I don't know too much about it. But it was mentioned to me recently and thought I would pass it along....

There is so much more......but this is a start.........send your suggestions and ideas.

Jenna