What does Harmony Hill have to do with Mojo?

What a fun enigmatic start to a post, eh? But seriously, I found my center, got a chance to find myself again, and got re-inspired all in 3 days at Harmony Hill.

I posted about this retreat center awhile back. And just this past week, attended the 3 day breast cancer retreat. It is just too much to post about here. But I can tell you this. After 2 years of slowly changing, adapting, and getting lost in the woods, this was the trail of crumbs leading back out and back into the world.

So I am going to post just this for now, if you or a loved one are experiencing any issues surrounding cancer it is worth every second of your time to check this place out. Retreats for cancer are offered FREE of charge. Even if you are from out of town (and there were several people in that category), this place is worth the plane ticket and then some. If you are local to it, all the better.

I have yet to experience a place in this cancer journey where I felt 110% completely supported, understood, nurtured, quietly looked after with such a respect, NO patronization, no pity, no fear. If you are on this journey, or have completed it, this is a place to truly heal.

They do more than cancer retreats, (the rest of the programs are for a fee to help support the cancer retreats) so it is worth a look for anyone reading this. But if you feel inclined to give this holiday season, please consider supporthing this amazing program/place.

I feel peaceful and rejuvenated and hopeful that I can handle this journey once more. The resources, faculty, participants and the all that went on there feels cleared away the cluttered collecting in my mind/psyche/energy/heart and reminded me what quiet strength is all about.

My take home lesson, vulnerable and powerful are not opposing forces, but required attributes that happen simultaneously. I have learned to be more gentle with myself, and others, and in doing so, my power stores are restored.

Thank you to all the participants who might read this one day.

Please consider supporting this organization to make this program accessible to ALL people. Medical debt runs high in the cancer world, making this program out of reach if it were to be a fee program. By donating, you will allow cancer survivors (and that is ANYONE touched by cancer), a chance to do healing on a deep level. Thank you.



Jenna

The Shortest Update - Guarenteed

Chemo - fine
side-effects - not so bad
daughter - 7, securely in 1st grade
weather - windy
inner cheerleader - slightly annoying with the jump kicks, but helpful
big girl britches - securely fastened

Cancer - 0 Life - 1

Jenna

Hereafter - Trailer (HD)

Wow. Thank you Clint Eastwood. Thank you.

Jenna
(who is living life, not writing about it at the moment)

Your Semi-Coherent Overview of Restarting Chemo

Don't say I didn't warn you:

Okay, Day 1, 3rd time on Abraxane in conjunction with the continuing biotherapies (Herceptin, Tykerb, Zometa). Cancer counts not tooooo high, but not staying put down low. So, without alarm, we restarted today. I kind of thought it was a joke, and it would just go away. Denial.

So here is the short short version:

I managed to do this with a great deal of CALM, a tinge of sad, a swig of "but I don't wanna be left out of life again dammit" and then onward to be a big girl and take my medicine.

(If anyone wants to design a "get your big girl panties on" tshirts like Soma and friends did for the Breast Cancer 3 Day, that would rock)

Not tooooo bad. Definetly got the chemo cocktail today. Went from feeling vibrant, to feeling like I took a good dose YUCK. But at the end of the day, not tooooo bad. Wondering how to traverse this time round.

I just have a general calm. Did my life stabilize after a year? Woah.

Cool. Take the "long view" as someone I know says often.

Night,
Jenna

Changing Habits

So this is a edited blog entry, originally posted on an amazing Metastatic Breast Cancer board. We were talking about "Are we doing enough?" and about making changes in our lives to support as healthy a lifestyle as possible.

There is a myth about Met. BC. That we die, quickly, and all we think about is death, and we live miserable lives because of death.

Uhm, n-o.

These women thrive WHILE going through sometimes, often times, brutual treatments. I have met many a women now who are going through this 5, 8, 10, 12, 18 years!!!!!!!!!!! Not 2. Sorry. Nope.

And the key on this board, between living in fear, and thriving is making positive changes that enhance our immune systems, and turn victim into warrior-goddesses. Someone recently said we were like sticks and twigs, all woven together, creating an unbreakable nest in which we can heal safely.

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Tthere is a system in Health Psychology about the stages of change. We had to study this thing UP AND DOWN AND ALL AROUND.

Basically, it looks like a spiral staircase. Along it are:
No feelings of desiring change at the beginning all the way to an integrated "no thinking" involved new habit.

But instead of a staircase, it is like a slide. As we progress through the stages (from no desire, to "hmm, maybe I could feel better", to researching, to attempting to change, to full integration) we will ALWAYS backslide at some point down the spiral.

And this is where Pema Chodron comes in about loving kindness. I am re-reading her book "When things Fall Apart". So much more poignant this time 'round. I was just reading the section on meditation. (or in any conscious work we do)...where we can see ourselves for who we TRULY are, and when we fall out of alignment with our purpose (such as meditation and thinking) we simple observe ourselves/actions/thoughts without judgement and label them ("thinking, eating sugar, self-loathing - or whatever your break from alignment there is) and then simple choose to refocus our attentions on what we are CREATING (health digestion, healthly self image, etc).

Maitri is what it is called. The act of loving kindness. We can do it with no one else until we can do this with our own journey. AND it is the key to moving yourself back upward on the spiral to positive change.

I can't help but just send KEEKS (actual name changed) so much love for her earnestness and her honesty on her journey. For some of us the journey is about food and coming to peace with it (or into alignment with what is wellbeing for us), for some of us, it is about letting go of feelings of unworthiness that pollute our bloodstream with chemicals that cancer loves, most likely, as in ANY human journey, it is all of the above. And at different points in our lives, it is about different issues as we do become conscious beings.

And that is what this board is all about for me. A privileged to sit in a sacred circle with other women who are understanding this journey on a conscious level (even when we fall asleep to ourselves momentarily).
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In-Joy
Jenna

Okay, breaking the silence with this. THANKS MEL! :)



And life is coming full circle and to a better place all around. Not without it's learning curve, but none the less, a freedom. And I feel this way, having to return to chemo and all. I think I am learning from mistakes (or life lemons). Rough week, full of every possible mistake, yet I knew there was wisdom in this and waited it out with a few tears and got the "ooooooh, I get it!" message of the week.

Hope anyone reading this is in good health and good spirits,
With Love, always In-Joy

Jenna

Getting Oriented after Chemotherapy

The ebb and flow of long term disease treatment is, well, disorienting! (In case you've not been reading...being disoriented has been huge the last couple of months). So I took a break.

And I wrote this:

The Blessed Fool

Oh, the blessed lucky fool!
Who can stop along her pathway
Turn her dirty face toward the dusty path behind,
And see!
Thorny briars, painfully crossed,
Shredded clothes snagged and torn,
And the sole worn shoes long ago discarded...
And Realize her nakedness,
Save for her ruby ring,
and laugh.

Finding my way slowly, patiently, compassionately and sometime frustratingly... :)

Jenna