Endurance

I wrote this really long and tough entry. But what it comes down to is this:

endurance means not becoming stagnate.

I feel like I am fighting a battle with stagnation. But always always always keep moving forward, even if it is only a millimeters movement. Move.

Energy healers never ever bind energy. They find where it is tightened up and release it. The goal is always fluid movement. Of mind of body of spirit.

So today, I came to a slow crawl mentally. But I moved ever so slightly forward one millimeter.

I hope. I still hope. I still believe, even if this past couple months has been challenging, painful, and scary as hell. I have moments of delight. Sometimes that is bittersweet, because it is just enough to let me know it is there, but I can't seem to hold onto it.

Almost there. I feel it. Almost there.

Jenna

No Smancher Cancer Talk today

Just fun pics.

No, it wasn't swine flu. But that was apparent that day. However, something got us. And now that we have the official "all clear" we are OUT of here.

While we THOUGHT of walking our normal route to the local coffee house.


The rain went from drizzle
(which any good Seattle-ite worth their salt doesn't
even notice),




to an all out rain (which used to be unheard of, and is now common here), requiring (eek-gasp) UMBLRELLA'S.


And two girls with recovering chest colds, decided to drive it, then walk from there with those unsightly umbrella's no Seattle-lite worth their salt carries.


However, it inspired picture taking....
so here is our brief day out.

All of this is within 5 minutes of us. Which is why...Seattle, I do love you.




Oh, not to forget, the best coffee west of the Atlantic.

no chemo h1n1 scare instead

awaiting a h1n1 result after a day of running to pediatrician, and me to cancer institute to get a nasty ass cotton swab shoved down my non feverish nose twice over. OUCH. Glad the peditriian didn't put her through that and just gave her Tamiflu anyway (because of my chemo immuno suppressed body).

As I type my feverish kid is hacking away in bed, and my throat is raw. poor kiddo going to go check on her.

Peace out
jenna

Happy Birthday MOM!

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!!!!



Now back to our regularly scheduled program of cancer drama and healing.

It is often hard to decide what and how to post on this blog. Because each of you have your own filter. Some will read things as dire, others as "things are rough, but not so bad" and others see my spirit strong. All from the same post. I learned this early on and know that I just have to post what is on my mind. It is tricky if I become attached to helping you each process the information I give you. So instead I have to just let it go and let you process and interpret in your own way. I sometimes second guess if I should be writing at all. But I started this, so for now, I will keep going. Just don't read this blog like you would a novel. If you read this, be an active reader. Pray, help practically, do your own spiritual journey. Please don't read it like you are waiting for the ending of a mystery novel. I say that with a bit of cheeky humor and a lot of love.

That being said.....I hide some thing. I definitely keep some of this journey private. But at this stage I cant' anymore. So I am pondering how to continue this blog. It is going to open my very very private self up to the world. And it's judgments on the deepest parts of myself. So I ask that if you continue to read this blog, you do so with deep respect, let your judgments go, and use lots and lots of compassionate "listening" and loving kindness.

I will write more later. I am still in the process of deciding. However, Spirit is lifting me up. And last night, I felt buoyed by song, by prayer. If you had come up to me and said, "You have a really bad cancer that is aggressively attacking your spine and liver" I would have laughed and said you were crazy. I was in the moment, letting all the love and prayers flow, and living very very truthfully. I was JOY. Yes, JOY.

I am learning so much about the power of the "something more" that binds us all. That we can't quantify. That we can see or touch or taste or smell and analyze and rely on to put into research or a formula.

I see and feel the STARK difference between living in fear and living in peace. Of "knowing".

Again, I am pondering where I am going to take this blog now.

Lots of info in this one post. I know. But for you those of you wondering:
I am going to ask the doc some very straight forward questions on Tuesday. and go from there. I am leaning towards chemo, maybe not Abraxane, but most likely. But I deeply believe the missing ingredients in putting this thing into NED (No Evidence of Disease) is not going to be found in a chemo drug, but in doing some deep spiritual work and really truly taking care of my body and it's own unique needs (ie, eating REALLY well and eating for what my body needs, exercising to my body's needs, waking up everyday and my first thought being praising the strength of Spirit and my Spirit and going to bed GRATEFUL GRATEFUL GRATEFUL and then living according to my own Spirit and guidance from the higher source beyond charts and graphs and research)

And that work may isn't about becoming cancer free, but about living FULLY AWAKE. What a different ride that is indeed.

Okay, enough for now. Time to wake up the girl and get her ready for Halloween at school! COWGIRL PICTURES TO FOLLOW. ;)

I am well.
I know that today and in this moment
my Spirit and body thrive.
I don't know how,
but I rise above
and the joy of my Spirit
makes the pain of my body diminish
and I am well.
And the power of Spirit to do this,
makes me humble and happy and
oh
so
grateful.

Jenna

Chemo Round 3

I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I am hitting you all with a cold splash of water and punching you in the gut. But here we go....

It is still spreading, up my spine and in my liver. NOT to the brain. Woohooo, my idea of a head cold pans out.

But the liver makes lots o' sense and I asked "did it go up my spine" because of the pain. Sigh.

So we go back to Abraxane. I can't process all of this right now. So much. So that is that for now.

Not great, no horrid, but a HUGE challenge ahead.

Jenna

starting to make sense, Part two

So, my "it's the drugs" theory isn't panning out to the doc. So she is sending me in for a brain MRI and a PET/CT to peek inside and see if the cancer has travelled anywhere new. The brain MRI I had at the onset was all clear, it would be really NICE that is still is.

I think, because of my dripping running nose, and cough with phelm, MAYBE this all over a cold. She is checking for mono. But beyond that, she just feels concerned enough to peek inside and rule some stuff out.

So off I go. MRI's are like being inside a video game, with buzzes and bangs and clangs. fun times.

If you feel inclined to take me on Monday to said appointments and you can clear you schedule for a 10:30-4:00 run, please let me know. I can't go this day alone.

Jenna

Something is starting to make sense

Been having a rough month. And I think I finally know why. Once I got still, and could listen and had a few good friends to bounce my "bouncing" thoughts off of, I do believe I have a clue. I have been in pain, sleeping a lot, and unable to fully "wake up" so many days. But it isn't depression. When it is past, I am very happy, peaceful, contented, hopeful. Then this monster comes and shuts my brain off half way. I believe it is a medication I am taking. And today proved it. I was doing fine, well, alert, and then the person with me saw it, I turned "off". Like a switch was flipped. My brain started having trouble processing information and I felt drugged.

Drugged.

I am pretty sure my meds needs to be tweaked. I had asked to be taken off one of the drugs, if not also the pain mends I have been on. They aren't going to like that at all. They always deswayed me. But I am not living my life right now. And there is n point in being here, if I am going to be here, tweaked out on drugs, on my couch, feeling like do-d0. Now I am going to demand it. There are alternatives I can rely on and can put in place.

That being said, I am moving into a 5 day "completely nuture my body" phase. I have been EXHAUSTED and not stopping. As a friend pointed out yesterday, the difference before and after a nap was marked. I know I have been exhausted and unable to stop.

That is where YOU come in. If you are close by. I need your help in "restore Jenna's energy" movement. For the next 5 days, I am resting, resting resting. Doing ONLY that which restores my energy.

I also need:

• Someone who can take Kara to school Monday and Tuesday. She needs to be there by 8:30.
• Someone to come over and cook my squash soup, and play scrabble while it simmers.
  
• Someone to do dishes every other day
• Someone to grocery shop at PCC for some basic staples. Apples, kale, lemons, etc.

Things are VERY off. I have spent the last three weeks in a walking sleep, and starting to be unable to have coherent conversations (at least it feels that way). When I do "crash", I sleep for days and can't get my brain to wake up. People around help with Kara. But now I need help too to get through this and get some energy back.

Last week, my friends who came over on an SOS call to help said I sounded drunk. I am really calling it in. I can see the way through, and taking 5 days of letting my friends step in and take care of me is required. I have to be vulnerable and honest right now. But I can see the way through, and that means asking for help.

I have thought about checking into the hospital several time this month for exhaustion. This can be fixed. This can be addressed. And I see how. But that means needing people to lean on.

Got an hour to spare here or there. Something on that list do-able? Let me know.

FOLLOW UP: Everyone once in awhile I go back through this blog to tweak it, edit it, and clarify things, or give follow ups. This one is LONG overdue and very important to me to get out there. If you are in medical care, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY "THIS MED IS MAKING ME NOT RIGHT - WHAT CAN WE DO?" Meds are very powerful things, changing the neural synapic makeup and sometimes that damage, if goes on for too long, can't be undone. I had to be slowly taken down off this medicine, and it does make people "out of it" if it isn't good for them. BE PROACTIVE! SAY SOMETHING! There are options and the docs need to know. I have had to do this more than once, and everytime, we find out way around the med. BE PROACTIVE - it is YOUR body, and your body may react differently than the "norm". Okay? Soapbox gone ;)

Thanks
Jenna Helm

And food for thought:

Bombardment "What About Me?"
by whataboutme