What Do You Say

I know have been quiet on the blogging front. We've hit this kind of stride and rhythm. It is also mentally challenging. All those little fear voices ("is it working?") trying to rob me of my time today. Lots of heart strength spent in recentering in the moment and not in the fear.

Spending a lot of time grasping the situation, integrating, and then there is the big question....how to move on with such an undeniable uncertainty. How to make decisions, when the next day is so uncertain, and then long term, even more so. The challenge, how not to get stuck by this huge unknown.

And that is where it is sooooooo easy to get stuck. I was beginning to get to tight a grip on "I MUST HEAL". And there is the tension....this fear, that can just stops everything from moving and flowing like it must to truly live.

It all goes back to that clarity I had the weeks that started this journey. In the end, all we all have, really is this moment. And at this moment, I know my limits. At this moment I know my strengths. At this moment I can let all my past triumphs and mistakes be behind me, and just embrace this moment. When I try to control the future, I wear myself out and quickly become self-defeating.

In the end, the thing that gets me the most....that will choke me up EVERY time is....do the people in my life really understand the love and admiration I have for them. Do they KNOW, I love them. Did I show it enough? Did I hold back to much? And how to let all those insecurities that have held me back in the past...how to let them go.....so that whatever time I have left...10 months...or 20 years...how to I live everyday without holding back Love.

I am learning to forgive my past shortcomings. Wipe the slate clean, and live without fear and only with Love. It is my only regret...the times I have held back Love out of fear. Whatever that fear might be.

Go love someone today,
Jenna

Something Fun

So, my friend over at CraftyDabbler blog, did this really fun thing. Instead of anything grand, or enlightened, tragic, or soap-dish-ish, (I have taken a week off from cancer), I just did this really fun thing.

The concept:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd's mosaic maker.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name

You can play too. Found at Pea Soup. (This is a copy from CraftyDabbler, but the link seems to be dead.)

Enjoy
Jenna

Jenna's Personal Update

So, today my energy is back. I can't get over how one really must move through this process with day-to-day in mind. One day (like last week) a new drug to help my bone lesions, gave me a 104.5 degree fever, and felt like someone was IN THE PROCESS of breaking bones and taking apart joints. I took all the pain drugs I could, then went into a hypnotic state for two days (literally). And slowly and day by day, climbed back out. The acute exhaustion and pain...woah.

Then there is today. I feel.....good. I think I can see where that new medication will be taking me. I have to take it once a month..."indefinitely". But the side effects are so severe with each dosage. I was told the first one is the worst. Again, wait and see.

Which brings me to a new point. I can tell from talking to you, some of you don't grasp. I will be doing Herceptin (blocks cancer cells from reproducing) and Zometa (stops bone tumors growing and fortifies the weak bones) indefinetly. Which is the gentle way of saying "until the cancer figures out how to get around it". Now, they have people on this for 8 years now. So it is good. But it is indefinite how long it will work. My port is permenant and I will be in treatment "chronically".

People keep asking when chemo will end:
When the tumors go into remission, I will be taken off of Abraxane.
I will then continue, once a month, with Herceptin and Zometa.

I however, I have hope in some CAM therapies that will really help the body hold in a healthy, I can keep this gone with my own immune system. I have read other who have. Can I? I don't plan to forgo medical care. But do what I can naturally to help. I daresay, forever !!!! My plan. We shall see.

Anyway. Had to give a reality check there for some of you. I think I have eased you all into this gently. Like the doctors try to do for me. So your head doesn't shut down and you keep on moving forward.

Most cases of breast cancer are "done deals". Those wonderful stories where it is all behind them. It is great we have come this far. There are those, who go to Stage IV, that I wish to give a voice to. We are kind of pushed out of the discussion table. Like cancer used to be in general. And to me, that is dangerous. To think "it is done". The work on breast cancer is NOT done. Cancer is luckily NOT a death sentence like it used to be. But there are still us Metastisized chics, who struggle through and hope. I am a lucky one. Herceptin seems to be working. And that gives me a LONG time to live and hope and work for a cure.

The past few weeks I have been struggling with this. How to live when you feel like you are dodging bullets all the time. And will be, if they are right.

I hope to find some other way to live through all of this. And I am. I return back to NOW as much as possible.

And today, I feel soooooooooooooooo great. Peaceful. Pain free. Loved.

Love to all of you,
Jenna

Part Two Giving

So, part two about Giving.

This summer has been so healing because a very kind couple donated enough to cover the cost of in-home help for Bug/myself for the summer. Just 24 hours a week made the differences between extreme stress and balance. Just enough help, not too much help.

I know from talking to some of you, our situation surprises you, despite reading the blog. So I will explain.

I have tumors in my bones. This has been extremely painful and building since January. For months I thought, "I must have hurt a legiment in my hips doing yoga." or "I feel like I am going to fall on the floor and turn into a puddle...what is going on?". It ended in May with me going for help. I would sneeze, and end up on the floor cussing in pain. It got to the point where I had to lift my leg with my hands and get in into the car, the pain of lifting my own leg was unbearble. And I am one tough cookie.

I have two vetabrae with tumors in them. I had to stop lifting things as to not lose them.

Add in pain meds and chemo. I became pretty unable to do much for a long time there. Most mamma duties (like doing dishes) were too much.

So we needed help. And just in time. We were falling apart at the seams around here with me being able to take Bug to school, do dishes. Jim has been incredible. But still, no one can do that much.

When Becky started, life became centered again. She lets me do what I can, and then steps in where I can't. On days I can do more, I do. Last week, she came to help me through the 104.5 degree fever that had me unable to even sit up or roll over in my bed. Today, I feel great and she will do the running errands and lettting me read to Bug.

I say all of this because Becky is leaving. She is a teacher, and it is almost school time. We need another helper as I heal and literally get back on my feet.

Here is the issue. The money for new help is not there. And of course, the chemo bills, and scan bills are pouring in. On average, this adds at least another full time job per week to just cover the cost of childcare and medical care. Yet, I can't work (I am plotting and looking into what I could do from home......any ideas! Send them my way!!!!!)

How can you help? I hear panic. Feel the pulse increase. Stress. EEK! Stop that. Now.

Calmness and thoughtfulness get us through.

I can think of two things. I am going to add a "Donate" button to my blog. If you are friend, and want to help, you could do it through paypal. If you are a stranger to me, and find this blog inspiring, you could donate that way as well. I am working on the technicalities of that this week and hope to have it working by Thurs. I am also thinking of ways to say "Thank you" in return. I may post artwork I have done, and allow you to download it and use it as you wish. I am not sure, but I am simmering some ideas.

Any donated money will ONLY go to childcare/medical expense. Chemo alone is running us $1500 out of our pocket EACH WEEK. I am not going to panic. But it is a real issue and I know I/we can come up with some ideas on how to make sure we don't become one of those "They lost everything when cancer hit" stories. AH! Eeek! hehehehe. Not going to happen.

So, it is time to roll up those sleeves and think outside the box. Let's get creative! I know times are tight. But even 10 will add up to cover an $120 perscription.

So....do you:

Have the energy to do a fundraiser? Large to small? Some ideas:

• Host a dinner party, and charge a cover fee. Make the sum a donate to help!
• Have artwork or a handicraft you could donate to an online auction? The donation could help!
• Have a business where, a very small percentage of sales on one item would go to help.
  
• I know one friend is arranging a Yard Sale to create a donation.
• Do you have a church that you could create a fundraiser through?
• Are you a fundraising guru, and would like to talk? Give me a ring!
• Want to hold a theme party and charge a cover? Give me a ring!
• One famous CancerGirl was a DJ, and did a music showcase, all proceeds help cover help medical expenses.

Think outside the box. Get creative. I would do more of this myself, but really do have limited/unpredictable energy right now. But I have done them in the past. And nothing beats the rush of fundraising for a good cause. It is really fun, and a great challenge.

But I do need help. YOUR help. I am generating ideas on my end on what we can do in a variety of scenarios.
(the segment below has been modified from it's original numbers! These new numbers are lower and more accurate!)
So, the goal, cover childcare and some medical expenses for the rest of the year.
Childcare/in home care as need: $1000 month.
Chemo/medical expense: $1,200 a month.

This is beyond figuring it out solo. So, I reach out. To you. All of you, and ask that we see that communities of people are there for each other. Life isn't solo. Let's do this thing ;)

Much thanks, much appreciation, much love
Jenna

The Flow and Cycle of Giving

Hello friends, family, and lurkers of the saga.

Pulling out of the new drug "horrid" zone. Nasty nasty week physically.

But it is passing. And I am moving on.

Onto practical matters. And matters of faith, giving, and receiving.

We need to talk. This a two-fold entry.

PART ONE:

I have heard, one to many times, value judgements placed upon yourselves for what you can/cannot do, or give of yourself to help.

What it means to GIVE of yourself must really evolve.

RULES FOR "GIVING" (wether it be money, time, effort):

• Give from the heart (not pity or fear, or shame, but hope and love)
• Give only what you have free (to do so, this means you must build up reserve)
• Give of yourself (if you are a painter, would you offer to do my taxes? No! Give you talent)

which leads to the last and maybe, most important rule:

• DO NOT JUDGE WHAT YOU CAN OR CANNOT GIVE!!!!!!!!!! This blocks the flow of giving and you tend to "give up". eek! If the goal is to help, this really doesn't.

When the above rules are applied:
Listening for 2 minutes to me cry = driving me to chemo.
Cooking me a homemade meal = sending me a card.
Sending $50 to help cover costs = $1000

Otherwise.
ZERO listening = Jenna gets depressed
ZERO driving = Jenna doesn't get to chemo with stress
etc, etc...

We are generous beings, but we tend to judge what is "good" giving.

We must think creatively and authenically when we help others. We MUST honor what our gifts are and give them to the pool. When we trust that we are all apart of the a larger net. This is what happens:

"I am a great cook, I will give that because this week, I can." Jenna is fed and healed.
"I can't help pay for a nanny directly, but I know how to run a yardsale, maybe I could raise money that way" Jenna can pay for a anti-nausea drug for a week.
"I know I have a peaceful heart right now, I can listen". Jenna can cry or laugh, and be healed.

When we view giving in very rigid terms, this all breaks down. The flow stops.

"I can't give much, so I won't at all" is just the silliest thing in the universe. It stops the flow.

Please don't judge what you can or can not give (time, assistance, money, friendship time). I value each and every effort. Sometimes, it really is the smallest thing that renews me energy and gives me the feeling that I am support and can relax into healing.

IT ALL MEANS SOMETHING AND IT ALL HELPS ME HEAL WHEN IT IS GENUINE AND DONE WITH HEART.

I think of it like rain in a dried garden. Every drop counts if the cloud has it to give.

This is my lesson. To receive. To ASK ( ouch! that pride).

Don't judge. Just do whatever you do with love, hope, and/or faith in the bigger picture.

Love to you all.
Part two in the next entry.
Jenna

Ouch

Ouch. Sorry for all of you waiting on return phone calls from me, but i have been incapacitated.
New drug. OUCH......owie, owie, owwwwwwww. 105 degree fever. Today it is down to 102-104. Sleeping. Pain is diminishing slowly too.

So if you have been waiting to hear from me, this is why you haven't. I will get through and call you back then.

Thanks for the blueberries Anna K. and for the phone calls Evelyn and Mel.

Sharon, ring me when you can.

Can anyone help us move back into our house this weekend? Saturday during the party maybe? Or Sunday as well. We will have a truck, and Jim will definitely need help.

Jenna

Edgy Girl

I cried in my doctors office today. She looked bewildered, and started asking Jim what was wrong. hehehehehe. He gently explained that it was just adjustment and the perplexing nature of everything in my body in a constant flux. It was getting me fatigued, and weepy. So do those sterioids. My doc is NOT a therapist, it is not her calling, but saving my ass is and for that, I am grateful.

Todays experiment. Grow bones. Kinda. And it is probably gonna hurt.

So most of you know that I have tumors in and on the bones in various places. Shoulder socket, two vertabrae, and my hips. This HURTS. It has hurt since January. I thought I just overdid a Downward Facing Dog. But it is those bones. kinda getting eaten away at.

Can't says I understand how, but in the end, the drug that added today will reinforce my bones so they don't go crumbling down.

Don't get me wrong. My day isn't all sad. I am just willing to cry when crying is helpful in letting anxiety go....or crying because life is beautiful....or crying because my ass literally hurts. hehehehe.

I ran into Jane today, who gave me the most power infused hug I have had in awhile. She really gave me a zing of positive energy that carried me through my day, until mention was made of growing bone in kinda a painful way. Then medical fatigue set in. Thanks for the great strong hearted hug Jane. POWER HUGGER.

I am setting up to feel like "you will have a flu, with fever, bone pain, and aches" for 48 hours. The brochure said up to 5 days. Whatev'. Wait and see.

So I might be off the blog radar. Again. This weekend, I needed cancer-free living time. I got my haircut!!! Some kickin' cleanser for this acne prone face, and had some girls-only time. Good stuff.

Well, kiddo is back to tell my all about camp today. So I am going to hang with her and hear all about it. Then sleep.

Anyone want to make a realllllllllly simple veggie/bean soup? Would appreciate it much.

Love to you all!
Jenna