Wednesday, June 23, 2010
It all hit me...and then..........
It is Time...I have to admit to it, I just want to be like this child and hide under my covers for a few weeks. Let all this pain and disorientation pass. But I get ahead of myself. Let me start here:
I have been having a tough time lately. My POWERHOUSE through method is failing me (duh!). I would LOVE to be impenetrable to life's curve balls, and be shiny ALL the time. I tend to hide and be quiet and not let people know when the sour of life's lemons has just been too much. And I want to hide under the covers and just pray and cry and hope someone will save me. I know, life doesn't work that way. We lean on each other, we help each other along, but it, in the end, is YOUR decision as to what you do about it. How do you traverse the "I've had too much, my nerves are shot, and I just want to cry and drink red wine on some Tuscany hillside town." Oh, right.....life says "not right now!". So what then?
I don't share EVERYTHING here, because I want to protect the privacy of those around me. I decided to put MY journey up, not expose others journeys. But I can say this... I have been battling with the the loss of my identity. I think many long term cancer patients, chronic pain patients, or any other variety of life altering events, can attest to this feeling anywhere on a scale of 1 to 10. I am about a 9.
To save my life, I have had to be tossed in a blender , and the "chop" button hit several times. In between blade churning, there was a dash of body acidic chemicals here, and new drug chemical there, take that body part out there, oh and that one too, strip as much estrogen as humanly possibly from hormonal make up, and rearrange my neural synaptic make up, and add a dose of pain relieving radiation there (thank god!).......... and in the middle of it, rearrange my entire life (home, marriage, work, home again,)....pour into chilled glass and serve.
For the first time in a life....I hit the proverbial brick wall. Or as Paul Simon wrote "believing I had supernatural powers, I slammed into a brick wall". My old bag of tricks isn't working....(No Yoga, music outlet, or flavor of Ben and Jerry's is touching "it"). I know I need a new plan. I need to accept my new "new". But how?
It is scary. I did what I had to do to get through this year. I have been told that I am one tough broad as they say. Yet my body and soul are telling me they are raw, desperately in need of the attention I gave my cancer cells. I need to give equal attention to my mind/soul as well....and NOW. They need a break from the life altering stresses. But how? I can't travel the world...or climb a new mountain peek. I can't sit in a monastery for a month and chant and pray. This mountain that looks like Everest, I am sure is more like the foothills of Everest, but it feels none the less, like I might need some help.
Today, I called out to friends and said "HELP! Something just isn't right here! This isn't ME! Something is off!"
At the moment. I feel like a cartoon character who, after a good smack to the head, has all those swirly stars and loopy eyes. But it is abating, and my sight is slowly refocusing. My friends dusted off my dirty face, swept away the stars and tears from my eyes, stopped my head spinning (I just can't get Daffy Duck, with his spinning beak out of my mind). Now it is up to me. Thank you dear dear friends. Count this girl lucky and blessed to be loved unconditionally.
So, now I can really hear my body, my soul, and my mind are truly disoriented. I can hear them calling out to STOP.... get rest, rejuvenate...but was at a loss as to how!
Then I came across this blog entry from 100 Days in Bed..... a brillant tidbit. She post it on the Crazy Sexy Life website. Hitting your brick wall? Wondering how to get back up without drastic life altering changes? She is BRILLANT. My whole point of this post is to get you to her site. These images are from that site.....says it all.
I will leave this to you to go to her site and read. I won't re-post it here, because she deserves to have her feisty site of "There is another side....and you will get there! I did!" blog be visited in its own right. Please do so!
All I will say is, "Week One, Day One......" Don't know what that means....read her blog. Thank you adventure girl. Writer of comedy, and savior to those battling life's lemons.