Thursday, March 25, 2010

Sing it out time - Polka Dot Dot Dot

Ggroup: Polka Dot Dot Dot - album: Love Letter to New Zealand - song: Small Words Bigger Lessons.They made their way to me through a friend who saw them play, bought the album, played it all the time, and made me fall in love with them. There is a good MP3 version if you google it)

I am in LOVE with them. Can I be them? One of them? Trade places? Rocks rocks roooocks.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Still here

Hi everyone! I am still here. I am really facing some unexpected hurdles with pain. But my doctor said, "Each place the tumor was is like a fracture or a broken bone, those HURT even after the tumor is gone, just like a broken bone".

Now I have understood this before. But yesterday, when I remembered they stopped counting the number of tumors in my WONDER I hurt just walking from the car to my house. It is making me out of breath, and just wanting to sit down and worn OUT. I am trying to put myself in the mindset that if someone came up to me with a bat and hit my hips and spine....I would treat myself differently. I would approach healing differently. I would be PATIENT. I expect just because my markers are low, this should be over, and I should be FULL of energy and hiking.

But FIRST....I have to rebuild muscle around broken bones....while still on chemo (yes, I am still on chemo....from taking to some of you, it appears I have confused you on that point). And there is no end point in sight yet.

I am hitting a low point here, but also a turning point. I just keep praying for the where with all to keep going. 3 years of pain.....well, I am learning to practice what I learned in school (a degree in Health Psychology). But it is far far more challenging than I ever imagined. My whole body and biochemistry has changed, and is constantly shifting. THAT I never factored in, and am learning I need to work with here.

Wew...I have to get to Physical Therapy, but sick to my stomach and that makes my muscles weak. Hmmmmmmmmm. Determined though......


Monday, March 15, 2010

525,600 Minutes again

Coming up on TWO years of beating a disease that once ago would've killed me in months......this week in church they sang this.....sums it ALL UP. I got another 525,600 minutes....and so much more lessons in love than I ever could've understood before this of those seconds spent in anything but love just is SO wasted...doesn't mean be a means do everything from a centered loving place and you will really really LIVE.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Oh yeah, MUSIC

I was having a hard time moving through the haze of Zometa this morning. Had to go into the hosptial for a die study of the port they use to infuse chemo safely into my bloodstream without frying my veins. I did NOT want to go. WWWWWAAAAAAAH.

Ah, but good ole mom is visiting. And she started singing....this....and it got me moving...


Here is that music that used to get me moving...

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The "quiet" and the quiet Courage

It has been very quiet around this blog lately, because I have been dealing with some very private, not for this blog life issues.

I am doing pretty well. My energy returns more and more, as the counts drop. On the other end of it, my hip and low back pain have me walking like someone beat me up with a bat. OUCH. Physical therapy did start last week. It has brought some relief, but at the same time, I spent most of my weekend legs propped over a large pillow, kind of cranky to be slowed down, just as I feel the engines revying up. grumble grumble.

But the private life has all my energy going towards the issues at hand, so this has been a quiet blog. I do not wish to air here, private family matters.

But I will share with you, a beautiful prayer a friend read to me over the phone. It is muy muy importante to those of us living life. A good reminder, especially when you feel tired, and run down and maybe a wee bit self-deprecating about how well you are handling your life situations.

In one week, one friend read this to me, the next, Ms. Direction gave me a framed Certficate of Excellence for grace in challenging circumstances.

For anyone dealing with cancer, who still wakes up and finds one things to bring to their day, wether it just be managing pain in bed, holding the hand of a loved one, writing a novel, or digging a well, whatever it is.... I know how much energy and courage it can take to over ride the messages "you are sick" ....this is for you!

The Universe Gifts Me With Courage In All Things - Julia Cameron, "Blessings"

I cherish my own courage. I salute myself for the brave action I undertaken in my life. I focus with clarity and appreciation on the choices I have made which have required courage and self-determination. I applaud myself for my strength and my daring. Rather than belittle myself for my fears, I choose to honor myself for the bravery with which I have often walked through my fears. I count back in specific ways and enumerate for myself examples of my own courage: the new friendship I have undertaken, the steadiness I have shown in a difficult job, the honesty I have displayed in opening a difficult conversation. I honor myself for my bigheartedness in the face of challenges from which I could have-but did not-shrunk back. My courage brings blessings to my life. My courage blesses the lives of others.