You might think, three weeks off chemo, that I would be throwing myself head first into "catching up" and trying to do everything I haven't been able to do. That is Jenna of yester-year (how is that for snazzy linguistics). But I knew going in, and with a good reminder from my physical therapy, and one day of pushing it too far, that this time of definite pause in chemo, would be a time of recharging burnt out batteries, brushing off dust, moving atrophied muscle and eating well while the tummy could take it. So far, I have stuck to that. My self defined goal, was to get my mojo back, plug into my sources of strength, hope, and recharge, and not go Type A on myself.
And honestly, it is a bit disorienting. This year has brought tremendous stressors, tremendous change, and tremendous healing that crisis can bring if you allow. I have stared at my own demons this past few months. Those being feeling scared of being unable to care for my own body, not being fit or flexible, not being constantly in the flow of "life" (I learned my misconception there). I do not understand how one month ago, I could barely walk, was swelling with fluids that prevented clothes from fitting, and fighting like a girl on a mission depressive feelings from pain....and somehow, off chemo for awhile, dancing around, singing, feeling that connection to the flow of nature, warm hearted. I feel almost stunned.
But that re-entry into "the world" is different than re-entry into "life". The two are SO easily mixed up. In our society, it is take take take, go go go, busy busy busy, improve yourself improve yourself improve yourself. It is insane once you step out of that chaos, to see how hard we push ourselves and what we value. I never really lost the connection to "life" just the "world".
I was describing to my dear friend this week, how exquisite going to drop my daughter off was now. EXQUISITE. I am in love that with word now. Because inside it, there is joy, and bittersweetness, and the understanding that things are fleeting. Somedays I didn't even get out of the car,and just watch the cherry blossoms fall on sidewalks where children giggled and pranced with lunchboxes in tow. I watched some parents walk with purpose, some ran with their children playfully, other parents marched in a stressed "I am late for my work" pace, thinking they were keeping their stress in check. I loved the sun on me, the gentle wind, the rhythm of the life of the world.
For the first time this week, I managed to visit a friend outside my home. Walked Alki looking for beach glass, sitting on a log catching up, watching dark low clouds give way to sun and back again. EXQUISITE.
I have learned my fears (being seen all bloated and semi-eyebrowless is one of them - sad maybe, but true), but overcoming them and sitting in my PJ's with a friend collaging and going from chattiness to quiet and back. (No, still can go out in my PJ's yet).
All I care about right now, is family, friends, and health. To have a chance to be connected again, in the flow of LIFE, not in the hectic pace of the world, is indeed EXQUISITE. I spend the day garnering energy to give to those three things.
Today, I sat on my porch, drinking tea, eating strawberries, watching birds, bunnies, and deer. I danced for exercise, sang for joy, and phoned friends and family. I grocery shopped with a particular LOVE of the farmers in our area, noticed the rhubarbs brillant hue, thanked the deli worker for a lovely sample of stuffed bell peppers, and bought the colors of the valley in tulips. I even did the bills in peace (sometimes, seeing a $93,000 fee for ONE service at the hospital scares me, but also makes me extremely grateful for how much money people are sinking into keeping me around - and insurance to curb the cost). I have good happy energy for Kara when she returns. Most likely for games and Harry Potter reading. Hopefully a good dinner.
And that is my day. Wow. You might think "ordinary". YEP. :) Exactly. Exquisite.
Be Well, In-Joy