Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Want to Try an Experiment with Me?
Hello all! If anyone is still reading after that long pause, I appreciate it!
I have a feeling this blog is going to be quieter over the month of December. I am just kind of "done" with cancer. Kind of "done" with talking about it. I have so much I am looking forward to, and so much other stuff starting to brew. I love that I am in a place where my thoughts aren't forced into my body due to pain! I am starting hatch plans for the future, and am starting to feel creative again and doing more. yeah! Even if I die tomorrow (which I am not) I want to celebrate life today!!!!!!!!
All that being said, I am also getting VERY fatigued. It is kind of a brutal curve. As cancer goes away, the line goes down. But the cumlatives effects of chemo go up up up. The type of fatigue has changed. From bone deep, I am going to fall over into a puddle and disappear fatigue and pain, into a "My heart is happy, my spirit is strong, but DAMN my body is so tired, all I can do is get up, get Bug off to school, and then I am forced back to the couch is lay down. I am fatigued!"
Most days, I am not out of my PJ's. The effort it takes to get ready to leave, most days, is all the energy I have, and I end up resting as soon as I am done getting PJs on. 6 months of chemo! Wew! The doctor said usually at 6 months, the good chemo does peaks, and people run out of gas." Yup yup yup.
I do have some good days. But the effects hit me sooner (usually I had till Wednesday before I hit "chemo" land.) Now it is the day of chemo. I used to have the weekends, and now sometimes I do. So, wew!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Getting there. And everyday is different. Hour to hour is what I go by now. I am not some pathetic heap on the couch all day. But the energy I do have goes into creating a stronger body. Like doing Yoga, cleaning, cooking, and then, back to resting.
So friends, if I have been quiet, and not emailing. Know I am thinking of you......and the wild party I am throwing in January, for my birthday/done with chemo party!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have tons of hope. I am so in love with Life. But I am just really tired. And tired of talking about it. Any energy I have is going to go into settling back into our house (some of you might know that we were selling our house, and had moved out much of our stuff and staged the house to sell). Now, I am so excited, my creativity to coming back. And we are setting up downstairs into our office on one side, and a full fledge art studio on the other!!!!! So, spare energy is spent on unpacking, and setting up. It is also being spent on getting ready for the holidays.
But today, I woke up, once again, fatigued. I feel like I am sweating chemicals from my pores. Yuck.
SO, I have a task for you all! I have been doing this myself. We've done this before:
Around Christmas Day, I am DONE with chemo. I then gets another round of scans to see "where" the cancer is.
This is what I want you all to hold in your minds:
Imagine me writing in the blog:
"I am in complete remission!" I want you to FEEL what me telling you that would feel like to you. I want you to believe it CAN be true and then move it into "it IS true, right now!".
Not just remission (the doctor said remission is a holding pattern, not "all clear"). I want you all to imagine me seeing you, and being completely healthy and cancer free. I want you too see my body as fit, glowing, and whole. COMPLETE REMISSION. I want you to celebrate my bodies ability to heal itself completely. There really is NO reason why it can't. Right?! It has happened before. I have a strong, healthy body, that can heal. We all do. I want to infuse this knowledge through every cell of my body. I want the space in between and inside of each cell to be glowing and humming radiance!
Want to try this little experiment with me?
Love to you all!