Sunday, January 31, 2010

Something is shifting

I noticed this before the rash/Predisone weeks....I began to think in terms of years ahead.

Then, the "reaction" happened, and all the drug chemical haze stole away my clarity.

But....

SOMETHING has shifted.

I haven't been that "mom" I used to be for Bug for a long time. I am not judging the time I have spent healing, because Bug has been learning a lot about life that most kids don't and I am proud of how we've handled it all.

But, once again, I just noticed this week, something has shifted. I have this energy to give to her again that I haven't in a long long time. Honestly, I was coasting a lot of the time (not neglectful, but not proactive/interactive as much). I know she has been cared for, and shown the world by OTHERS, but not so much me. With me, we are always at home lately and often in the last year and a half. I have a day or two of energy to give to the way things used to be.

But this week, we start rough housing/ticking/playing! We both looked at each other and noticed it!!!!!!!!!!

This morning, we went out for a morning walk together, we drove to our starting spot, and no one had to drive us! And along the way, had our old discussions, instead of me driving on autopilot, just trying to get us "there" and being spacey the whole time and just using all my energy to even walk with her. Instead, we EXPLORED together. Finding the bike shop, the art store, talking about these topics, about the town, and I was engaged fully in teaching her how to get around town on foot. Street names, mountain names, answering so many questions. :)

And at home, over breakfast, we had a whole discussion on the dairy we drive by on front street. Ending with a diagram, and that showed how the milk gets from the cow, to the table. And about the environmental impact, complete with drawing.

I spent time reading art books, the local newspaper (best one I have seen since Corvalis) and art ideas starting popping into my head.

I did taxes, bills, and bookkeeping.

Tonight, I walked (somewhat horrified and overwhelmed) into her unkept, not yet unpacked (boxes still) room, and as a family, we sorted, played, talked, prioritized, and decorated some. (In the end, I did end up crashing and not finishing, and Kara came and read Camelot to me). My friend did the initual set up, and I have been to sick to do bedtime. So I haven't spent much time in that room. But now ;) WONDERFUL! Not done, but we did it as a family and start somethin good....

And now, in my normal midnight wake up, I am reading my mothering books, catching up on developmental issues, gifted issues, and reading forums.

The one thing that has been the hardest in all of this is not feeling like I am "mothering",

But as I scowering the internet for some mothering information, a small pile of natural mothering books next to me, art books at my feet, at the book she read to me at bedtime about Merlin and Kind Arthur.......it has dawned on me FULLY..... ...I AM BACK. ;)

Jenna

3 comments:

RENEE said...

wAHOOOOOOOOO LOOK OUT WORLD. Oh the things that this year will bring. Welcome back daughter dear.
Hugs
Mom

Jen L said...

That is wonderful :)

bigslamgyrl said...

Now it's your turn to make me cry love. Kiss Kara for me. I love you both dearly.

Wow, it's really hard to write while you are tearing up. I will talk to you later.