Friday, October 2, 2009

An Exercise in Holding Consciousness

I feel like expanding on yesterday blog entry, "Everything is Holy Now" sung by Faith Rivera.

Since I was a child, I have never let go of that wondrous feeling that we are even here at all. I may have lost site of it in temporary fits of fear, but in general, that sense of wonder, despite the pains of life, is never far out of reach.

I LOVE the line in the song I posted yesterday. Walking in the woods, smelling the earth after a rain, hearing the birds, reading an email from a friend who reaches out JUST when you felt alone...and they they didn't know it....all these are the little miracles that instill that constant sense of "woah, something bigger is going on here". As she sang in the song, because the fact that THIS world, this body, this mind I have, is even here, so that I can have a conscious experience of Life ....wow.

Sure, you may be thinking, "Of course, that is easy to do walking in the woods, or being loved by a friend...but what about crappy stuff like cancer, or war, or abandonment?

The ONE thing that brings me to my knees and causes anxiety in this cancer journey is not the proposition of death. We all are going to die. It is leaving my child in uncertain circumstances that are out of my control. That pain is SO deep, even writing it, my throat chokes up, tears well in my eyes. There is a physical PAIN that sets into my body. What will become of her? Will someone catch her? Will this experience make her stronger and more of a powerhouse in her life? Or leave her depleted? It is out of my hands once I leave this earth.

And that could leave me completely depressed. Spent. Done. I could only see that aweful shitty circumstance. And I edge there some days when I am really tired. However, going back to what she is getting at in this song....

What is Holy, Magical, Godlike, Sacred, whatever you want to call it....is that even the experience of anxiety and grief is born out of Love. It is beyond words to me, that we love each other SO MUCH, that we can feel THAT DEEPLY. And we feel THAT DEEPLY because of Love. And when you get into that space, you get that sense of something...beyond what we are capable of expressing in words. And that space, that stillness, where there are no words to use to describe it, is sacred.

So even my fears, even my anxiety - they are expressions that are precious and an act of love. Funny thing is, once I realize that....the fear and anxiety drop away, and all that I feel....is Love. Because I feel that connection to something bigger than me, and Peace settles deep into my heart.

The question is, we have experiences here and there, that awaken us to this sense of wonder, of amazement...of "more" than we can explain.....so how do we hold that consciousness through the dark times?

I will leave it there, for now. And tomorrow, post a couple of exercises that I do to bring me back to that state of awareness when I am feeling lost or disconnected from it.

For now, ponder it for yourself. Make sense of my ramblings, my attempts to put this all into words. When have you felt that "something MORE is going on here than I can put into words and express? When have you felt a profound sense of connection and peace and..."w"holiness?

Jenna

1 comment:

Amy said...

Wow, I've never thought about grief and anxiety this way. How comforting! Great of you to share! -Amy