Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Birthday MOM!

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!!!!

Now back to our regularly scheduled program of cancer drama and healing.

It is often hard to decide what and how to post on this blog. Because each of you have your own filter. Some will read things as dire, others as "things are rough, but not so bad" and others see my spirit strong. All from the same post. I learned this early on and know that I just have to post what is on my mind. It is tricky if I become attached to helping you each process the information I give you. So instead I have to just let it go and let you process and interpret in your own way. I sometimes second guess if I should be writing at all. But I started this, so for now, I will keep going. Just don't read this blog like you would a novel. If you read this, be an active reader. Pray, help practically, do your own spiritual journey. Please don't read it like you are waiting for the ending of a mystery novel. I say that with a bit of cheeky humor and a lot of love.

That being said.....I hide some thing. I definitely keep some of this journey private. But at this stage I cant' anymore. So I am pondering how to continue this blog. It is going to open my very very private self up to the world. And it's judgments on the deepest parts of myself. So I ask that if you continue to read this blog, you do so with deep respect, let your judgments go, and use lots and lots of compassionate "listening" and loving kindness.

I will write more later. I am still in the process of deciding. However, Spirit is lifting me up. And last night, I felt buoyed by song, by prayer. If you had come up to me and said, "You have a really bad cancer that is aggressively attacking your spine and liver" I would have laughed and said you were crazy. I was in the moment, letting all the love and prayers flow, and living very very truthfully. I was JOY. Yes, JOY.

I am learning so much about the power of the "something more" that binds us all. That we can't quantify. That we can see or touch or taste or smell and analyze and rely on to put into research or a formula.

I see and feel the STARK difference between living in fear and living in peace. Of "knowing".

Again, I am pondering where I am going to take this blog now.

Lots of info in this one post. I know. But for you those of you wondering:
I am going to ask the doc some very straight forward questions on Tuesday. and go from there. I am leaning towards chemo, maybe not Abraxane, but most likely. But I deeply believe the missing ingredients in putting this thing into NED (No Evidence of Disease) is not going to be found in a chemo drug, but in doing some deep spiritual work and really truly taking care of my body and it's own unique needs (ie, eating REALLY well and eating for what my body needs, exercising to my body's needs, waking up everyday and my first thought being praising the strength of Spirit and my Spirit and going to bed GRATEFUL GRATEFUL GRATEFUL and then living according to my own Spirit and guidance from the higher source beyond charts and graphs and research)

And that work may isn't about becoming cancer free, but about living FULLY AWAKE. What a different ride that is indeed.

Okay, enough for now. Time to wake up the girl and get her ready for Halloween at school! COWGIRL PICTURES TO FOLLOW. ;)

I am well.
I know that today and in this moment
my Spirit and body thrive.
I don't know how,
but I rise above
and the joy of my Spirit
makes the pain of my body diminish
and I am well.
And the power of Spirit to do this,
makes me humble and happy and



Melisa said...

Happy Birthday to your Mom!!

One thing I've learned from you is the need for honesty and I appreciate reading that. I'm coming to learn to use it and to know that with it may come separation, may come pain, hopefully comes joy, but sometimes it all hangs on how the other parties accept it. Even how I work with it within. Seeking honesty in prayer, in my daily living and encouraging it in others. Thank you for that, and may honesty and peace guide you as you continue this blog, this journey, in joy.

Kiki said...

Dearest Jenna,

I believe in you. I agree with your statements. We can live with cancer, but we can't live with chemo. There is something more. You will find a way and the spirit of life will lift you and heal you. I believe in you. I know you can do it. You are beautiful.

Love Kiki

bigslamgyrl said...

Good job rockstar. I love you. Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY RENEE!