Monday, September 29, 2008
Readjusting the lense
So, I have been going through a tougher week than usual. Not physical, but mentally. Just getting stubborn, thinking life will just fall back to "normal'. There is no more "normal", my lense has been adjusted permanently, and I am working with a blurry perspective and refusing to adapt. Always, always, always, that created the suffering.
Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun, says: It's also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that's sitting right here right now... with its aches and it pleasures... is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.
I feel like our purpose of incarnating into these bodies is to learn about the myriad of human experiences. We all hope to skate by, unscathed, and the end, none of us do.
One of my mentors teachers said, "Each day, each moment, there is only ONE purpose, to learn. When we approach all that life hands us with Learning as a fundamental sacred act. We have access to all that we need to learn at any given moment. When fear is replaced with curiosity, suffering falls away."
When I get overwhelmed at what lay ahead of me, petrified sometimes...or when I feel haunted by illness and it's endless possibilities of pain and grief, I remember this....my goal isn't to get through life unscathed by pain or challenge. The goal, instead, is to learn how to never surrender my love of life to the fear of death. This to me is premature death, walking death. Worse than death itself. To waste time alive, being dead.
That all being said, it was a hard week. I went to my darker edges and came back, so much happier. Just a quick, but deep trip, into the world of darker possibilities. As I pull out of it, quickly, I am amazed at the energy that is returning to me, despite the body being tired. Sharon might be happy to learn, I got the fight back in me. Yes, the FIGHT. I feel like a dog, with it's jaws clamped down on the pantleg of Life, and I refuse to let go. Not right now. When it is time, I will with grace. But right now, no freakin' way!!!!!
That being said. This week is the PET/CT scan. After talking to the doc today, it looks like my intution on this going through December is right on. Even if I got a clear PET scan, she would want to continue on, 6 months is the least amount of time she would have me doing chemo. I have some pondering to do. But I am prepared to go through December. I have been since the beginning.
Now THAT being said. All things are pointing to this working. My markers went from 160+ to 75! down is the way we want to go. 35 is normal. What she is looking for is a trend with the number to hold steady...or remission. The PET/CT will show us where it is working and how well. From what we are feeling,most palpable spots are not "there" by touch anymore. All good signs this is working.
I am pondering the damage chemo can do, and reexamining what I can do to keep the damage down. All my blood counts look good all around. My White blood cell counts are well within normal range, my red blood cells are just outside normal, but barely, and for the last five weeks, all of the numbers have been increasing steadily.
I have been reading issues that can come up from chemo. So now my goal is to mitigate them. My other goal is when Christmas rolls around,I have a body that is whole and healthy. My doc won't let me project out too far, she reigns me in. But I do know people who have doing chemo for a year. hmmm. That wasn't in my plan here. So, let's see what magic we can pull off.
The chaplain at the Institute today reassured me of a woman who has been stage IV for 12 years. She raised her daughter, and had long periods of remission, before flair ups required more treatment. Again, this is a managed disease, not cured. I still would LOVE to go for CURED. Wanna help? CURE CURE CURE CURE CURE CURE CURE CURE
This is a long update. But I have been quiet. I needed to be quiet. But now I need people again.
Oh, and just a shout out to my dearest friend Susan in New Zealand. She just went Kiwi side this week. Miss you tons. No one can replace you! And you are missed!!!! If anyone wants to talk about small things, like weeds, carpooling, and burnt out light bulbs, give me a ring ;)
Blessings to all,