Monday, November 24, 2008

Fatigue and 20 weeks of chemo

So, this week marked chemo round #20. I am kind of tired of talking about chemo and cancer and all that stuff. It is all, in the end, big question mark. What I know for sure, is I am getting tired. Usually, by week's end, I am back up on my feet. The see-saw I am on has me back on the "up" side. But lately, it is like I can't quite get that see-saw to even hit the balance point. So I am going to just slow down and sleep.....a lot. They say that is when you heal and rebuild and make white blood cells. I have been kind of pushing myself. Just to keep going somewhat normally. But this weekend, man, just tired.

Only 4 more weeks to go she said. And then, after that, they will do a PET scan and see where everything is at. Today, her verbage changed, and I am not so sure what the future holds. She likes to play her cards only when she knows for certain. But, I am trying to not to hear, "A pause in chemo" like she said today. Like it is inevitable that sooner, rather than later, I will be back to this again. What happened to the 8 years?

So, it goes back to this. Chart your own course, and listen to your heart.

For now, I am pondering what to do next? School or work? The work I really want to get to, involves school. I can't get that "but...." out of the way. I had always wanted to get my PhD in Psychology, with a focus on consciousness and using art therapy. To start up a practice and teach. But.....darn, there it is again. I will leave it be. Too soon. It is like picking a fruit too soon. But I am happy to have the dilema. A couple of months ago, I had "the shift" into thinking about future things. I knew, things had shifted in my body too, and they had.

I will leave it with that. I am thinking "out loud" with no concern for you listening pleasure. lol! So, best I leave it at that.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


No comments: