Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Chemo "hit" day, and hallelujah

So, today is turning out to be a mixed day.

Issue Number One: Chemo hit day. Just ride the wave. I know it will pass. Jim is home today. Poor guy. Chemo brain is real. He made breakfast, sat it RIGHT next to me, and 20 minutes later I asked him if breakfast was ready. He was like "Uh, hon, it is right there 4 inches to your right.". Sigh. I am glad he is home today.

Issue Number Two: The HALLELUJAH. Turns out chemo brain effects hearing. After a conversation today with a friend who was willing to ask direct questions (THANK YOU!), I had a HUGE clarification about our insurance situation. Turns out, I misunderstood some aspect of it and we are covered far better than what I had thought. So that is a big relief. We still have a mountain of bills to pay, and we still need help, but it isn't the mind blowing, tear inducing, "ohmygod!" how COULD ANY HUMAN PAY THIS, situation. I figure it up, I need to work a full time salary (in the world I work in), to cover my medical bills every year. I will forever be taking care of this cancer. Just the scans every year will need me to be working. Then the questions build, and the anxiety...will I be able to work? If I do, all the vacations, all the savings for home improvements/care go away. No collge funding. And the mind builds to a frenzied peak of FEAR and ANXIETY and drama


And I let it go quickly. They seem so SMALL.

I just plan to be alive to have the luxury of dealing with those issues.

So, some of the numbers I gave before still stand. We need about $1500+ to cover in home help/childcare. That has always been #1 on my list. It is the key to healing, not having martial stress from the extra workload, and a child that isn't being stressed to the max from all angles. Then, there is the issue of bills coming in beyond out income level as it stands, and how could I work? I am STILL all ears about any good ideas. I am looking into helping artist/crafters who do production work, and could use some help from my home. I know those jobs are rare, but exist. I am also thinking of getting caught up on the newest coding, and seeing what I might be able to do from home there. Options. I believe there are always options. It will work out. But the reality is, as it stands, I will be working to pay medical bills and childcare/schooling and that is it...if I work as I have in the past. Might be time to evolve in ways I can't see yet.

I think the hardest part of all of this, is the overwhelm of the mind. People tell me all the time "Just focus on healing.". But all of this other stuff is real. And if I don't look at it, it becomes like a monster under the bed. The fear of it is far worse than dealing with it. There is a relief that comes from dealing. I know my limits right now. And I can't run out and work. (I'd be fired the first day!) But I do believe by knowing what we are dealing with, I can relax, and stay alert to answers.

I am so embarrassed about my brain lately. I do know chemo brain is "real". Even if you aren't dealing with a chemically induced mind fog, just the sheer amount of things to process and deal with would make anyone hit their breaking point. What a rollercoaster. I was always a daredevil.

Ahhh. and as I write this, the sun is shining.


1 comment:

Kent, Melisa,Tiana (and Coda) said...

Oh, Jenna! What happy news that the insurance is better than you thought!! And thank you, Jim, for being there for Jenna! I know, it's part and parcel with being the husband, but still...! You know, Jenna, when you get there, Starbucks only requires 20 hours a week and they have good insurance. Of course, that's a ways out for you, and you need money now, but... I wish I had better ideas for you! Thinking great things for you!