I know have been quiet on the blogging front. We've hit this kind of stride and rhythm. It is also mentally challenging. All those little fear voices ("is it working?") trying to rob me of my time today. Lots of heart strength spent in recentering in the moment and not in the fear.
Spending a lot of time grasping the situation, integrating, and then there is the big question....how to move on with such an undeniable uncertainty. How to make decisions, when the next day is so uncertain, and then long term, even more so. The challenge, how not to get stuck by this huge unknown.
And that is where it is sooooooo easy to get stuck. I was beginning to get to tight a grip on "I MUST HEAL". And there is the tension....this fear, that can just stops everything from moving and flowing like it must to truly live.
It all goes back to that clarity I had the weeks that started this journey. In the end, all we all have, really is this moment. And at this moment, I know my limits. At this moment I know my strengths. At this moment I can let all my past triumphs and mistakes be behind me, and just embrace this moment. When I try to control the future, I wear myself out and quickly become self-defeating.
In the end, the thing that gets me the most....that will choke me up EVERY time is....do the people in my life really understand the love and admiration I have for them. Do they KNOW, I love them. Did I show it enough? Did I hold back to much? And how to let all those insecurities that have held me back in the past...how to let them go.....so that whatever time I have left...10 months...or 20 years...how to I live everyday without holding back Love.
I am learning to forgive my past shortcomings. Wipe the slate clean, and live without fear and only with Love. It is my only regret...the times I have held back Love out of fear. Whatever that fear might be.
Go love someone today,
Jenna
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