Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Feeling, well, just in kind-uh-a-funk

From the bits and pieces I can glean, this blog might be making information worse. Hmm. Getting parts and pieces. I am considering a website the American Cancer Society Rep. recommended call "Caring Bridge". It has a few more advantages than the standard blog.

- It would email notify you every time I put in an entry.
- There is a dedicated guestbook
- Photo gallery
- suppose to have a calendar, but in the meager attempt I have made to find it, cannot.

The stresses of all the tests are catching up to us both today. My arms look like a battle ground of holes and bruises. Today, I joke I was "drugged, mugged, and tatooed".

DRUGGED - I had another radioactive isotope test looking at my heart function. I always leave those radioactive tests feeling gunked up and "thick".
MUGGED - the heart test is called a Mugga. They do it to make sure your heart can handle the chemo, they also use it as a baseline to check later that the chemo isn't damaging my heart "too much". Hmm.
Tattooed - I was put through a CT scan of my spine where the cancer is (two vertebra) and then tattooed so when they do radiation, they know how to line me up each time quickly. (hmmm, pink hair, tatooed, I just need the nose ring for my complete transformation! hehe)

I also spend 30 minutes getting yet ANOTHER IV, and laying facedown in a contraption that pounding sound through my breasts to image them. I am SO glad I took the relaxing drug at the point. My day started a 10:00, CT (machine broke down), MUGGA (the leads weren't working and I sat squished in a machine while they figured out if it was my heart, or their machines not working - it was the latter), wigged in a BAD, but free, wig, and then heading to an MRI at 4:00. I was very fragile physically by the end of all of that. Even if it doesn't feel stressful, it is stressful nonetheless on the body.

I think my other fragility going on is knowing the testing is now done. It is time to do "the work". My life feels like it has already been shattered and I have the last hurrah as "Jenna as I understood her to be" tomorrow. After this, we hope it works, my hair comes back in differently, I enter early menopause, my taste buds go for awhile, may become anoreic. Yet, I feel this big shift in my self concept is needed to heal. To peel away that which wasn't working.

Some of you said, "This is all happening so rapidly". Yep. When it sits on your vertebra, and causes you problems breathimg. walking, driving, etc, because of pain and weakness, it is time to move. It has gone far enough, I need the peace of mind that we will probably be able to stop its spread.

I haven't given ALL the info on this website. Because it just has all shifted and changed so quickly. So what appears like spotty info, probably isn't as spotty as you think.

I do have a few last chemo questions to ask about, tomorrow.

But tomorrow is my NO APPOINTMENTS DAY! My last day to lay in the sun for a long time. I am going to chill, get my pedicure while I still can, and get my good wig. It will probably be a week or two more of having my hair.

Getting sleepy again.
Night all


Kent, Melisa,Tiana (and Coda) said...


Sharon Eiler said...

So much is changing, and so much is not. You have a solid base of people who love you and who will recognize and see the "core you" through all of this.

I'll be thinking of you on Monday!