Friday, June 20, 2008
Monday is lurking in my head. I tell myself "Be present now", but I also honor it popping up in my head. Chemo is not a thing to start lightly and I somewhat mourn the loss of my body....or the seeming control of my body. I hope and pray I make it out the other side, free of chemo, and having a life of energy and ease again.
I am practicing acceptance that my life won't ever look the same again. It will look radically different in ways that are exciting and easy to accept (ie, a new perspective on life, an ease in relationships, and deepening patience with the little things that once consumed my day). But also in ways I fear (ie, never being disease free, the chemo not helping, and darker places I don't wish to entertain fully).
I really have to work on letting go of thinking of chemo as poisoning my body. Not a good way to start off my best bet at getting some of my health back. I have to trust that the damage it does to save my life can also be healed once it is done damaging the cancer. Fear, fear, fear. It is like a dance. You don't deny it and stuff it down, and you don't let it consume you.
In Crazy, Sexy, Cancer, one tip is "The Three Day Rule". Let yourself "go there" for no more than three days. Past that it is wallowing. Feeling it good, wallowing in it bad.
Many many many people ran off this weekend to vacation and frolick. Quiet down time.
Love to all,