The Yin and the Yang of it All

So, I am definitely in a "Yin/Yang" mood. Really having troubles with being home bound now. That is good, it means I am feeling well enough to feel antsy! And therein lies the Yin/Yang of it all. Doing well enough to feel shut in, not yet able to take on more. Striking the balance. I know me. I can feel sick if I feel "down". Feeling shut in makes me feel down. I am wanting to be "of service" to the world again. Not taking up couch space. Hmmmmm. Yet I need the energy to heal. Oh, where is the balance point. I am searching.

And therein lies more good news. Where oh, where, did those pesky tumors go? From 4cm to "is that it?" in 2 weeks. Again, all my energy is being poured into healing.

It also feels like everyone dropped off the face of the earth. Now, I know this isn't true. I have phone calls logged to prove it to myself. It is how I FEEL. Reality, and Feeling can be very different from one another. This is Very key.

So, take of guilty hats and hang them back up. It is my mental journey here. My own, and only my own. I am trying to stay real and honest here. So when I get in these weird moods, I sometimes go back over my own writings and pull them back into my consciousness. It will remind me that I do have some wisdom and insight stuck inside, even if happens to be under a layer of goopy self-pity somedays. So, I will share this entry from "my other blog"....and remind myself of what is true on a day I feel kinda lost and clogged up.

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Below is an excerpt from a writing I did in preparation for the first wedding I ever officiated (and my only as of this date). I did what I typically do to center. I walked in nature, found my meditation spot, cleared my mind, and just "listened". I feel as if I merely take dictation. It is automatic, unedited, and raw. I learn from these as much as the people who read them do. This particular writing is what set me to write this blog, after several requests for me to publish/share it. So, enjoy:

I thought I needed to write down my mind to mellow it and make it a clear path to my heart. But as I sit by the creek, singing - I deepen my understanding of the Presence of the Divine in each and every moment. We only need to bring our awareness to It.

It is not a long expedition, with clues and mystery. It is far more simple and accessible than we typically believe. It simply takes quieting the chatter and stilling our ego's energy and it WILL reveal itself with ease.

To analyze why I have become deafened to It's voice and numbed to It's touch only makes It withdrawal from my consciousness further. It does not need to know why I have cut myself off from It's presence - for it is like water - you only need to open your hands and It will fill you - for that is Divinity's true nature.

So today, I set aside all judgment upon myself for my misunderstandings, my shortcomings, and my humanity and simply embrace the Power of the Divine and let it flow through my heart and radiate from my being. May my steps be made with Grace today and may my words be Wise and Kind, for that is my True Nature - all else is only fear.

And so it is.

Some random thoughts on the Winter Blues

I think I have a case of the shut in Winter Blues. Oh, yeah. It isn't WINTER! Oh, Seattle. Why oh why, do you have to be gray so late into July? Another day cuddled up in my hoodie? Really?

Don't you understand I need WARMTH, SUNLIGHT and a little rain now and then to grow. Don't you understand, oh, weather pattern that began in April, that July is when us little seeds like to grow?! Have mercy on us shut ins, who can't easily get to a park, so slough off rain drops and take in some green. I depend on you golden sunlight rays warming the tops of the evergreen ridges to add some lightness to my days. Even the birds our huddled up on the branch, not flying perky through the trees to bring songs.

I am tempted to jump in my car, on my own, and go to the water. If I get too tired to drive home, I will sleep in my car until I do have the energy to drive back home. Brown walls, grey skies, and the same old same old is getting this girl weary. Seattle, you are not matching my mood. And I am being drawn into that grayness. Come on. Break 80 degrees!

So, do some sun dances, pray for sun, whatever. But oh Seattle.....Seattle...what is this weather?

Jenna

contemplation with trees

So. I am just quiet. I move and speak at the pace of trees. Ever seen Lord of the Rings, those tall trees, that speak very very slowly. I sit, and watch the blur of the world, racing, racing, racing, and giggle, for they know not what they are missing with all the racing. lol. I simply can't. Trying to only makes me grumpy and snappish. So, me and the trees, we move together, very steady and slow and grounded.

The body is working hard this week. Counts are still in "normal"person range, which made the nurse very pleased. But I am not feeling peppy. I know my body is healing, and it's the chemo running me down. It is taking effort to keep that in my mind. I need to support it very well this week. Last week, I overextended. But I fixed what was causing that, and am hoping for less "fluish" feelings this week and higher energy.

If there were floating trees, and hair on that woman, it would express how I am feeling right now very well. It still does, which is why it is up.

Slightly disconnected, spacey, multi-dimensional.

Going to go be very, very slow now.

Jenna

Quiet Critter

Wow, I have let so many days slip by before posting again. Good reason, I was feeling very tired and slightly flu-ish. So, I spent many hours curled up under blankets nursing headaches and feeling slightly disconnected instead of plugged in and charged up. It was like a quiet solitary walk through woods. I just felt quiet and receptive.

So, last week, I had a sudden, overnight shrink in my tumor size. I didn't really tell the doc it happened that way. I was afraid. Not sure why, just afraid to put it "that way". But Jim was a witness. There full size one day, hard to find the next.

Then yesterday, one week to the day later, >schwoomp< style="font-style: italic;">The artist above again is Nikki McClure. One of my favorites. Click on picture to go to her website.

Chemo Round #5

So, round number 2 of the new chemo. That means two Taxol, to Abraxin (sp?).

Greaaaaaaaaaaat news. This week, the tumor that "started it all" dropped to half the size! And the one under my arm in my armpit used to feel like a round lollilop, now feels like a sunflower seed. :)
Break out your dancin' shoes.

It has been a remarkable journey this month. From being unable to stand up, to dancing around my house this week, because they pain is going away, and my white blood cell count staying strong.

I AM HEALING.

So keep up those good prayers and good healing vibes because I am soaking them in and using them all!! We still have work to do!!!!!!

Feeling quite happy. AND it's our 10th Anniversary!

Going to keep this immune system supported. It is working hard to clear this. And while the news is very encouraging, I know I need to keep treating my body with the utmost respect and care. Lots of water. Lots of healing food. Lots of laughter. Lots of love. Lots of meditation. Lots of support so I can do all this healing.

Just want to go purr and do my post-chemo meditation CD and relish this energy.

What are so grateful for, you feel it light up the smallest spaces in your body? Let that permeate you and believe it to be really really true. I imagine this is what it must be like to be high.


BIG HEART
Jenna

ONCE AGAIN....amazing music. Click on the pictures. Also an amazing movie!

Kitty Hair or My Hair? Oh my!

Happy Sunny Sunday morning. Life is good. I should've branded that myself. lol!

Yesterday, for our anniversary, we went and adopted a cat from PAWS. Not just any cat, a one year old grey long hair with beautiful green eyes and the cutest little mew. She is just the right combination of independent, mellow, and cuddle-bug. We all thought we would start our search for a new cat this weekend, but we all instantly fell for this wee one.

She is a long hair. And I have hair...still. Plenty of it. I did notice that I didn't have to pluck my eyebrows for the first time. So, maybe the hair loss is starting. Hmmm. Don't know. But now I can blame any stray hairs on my pillow on the cat.

So, yes, STILL have a full head of hair. I did notice a few strands in my palm today. Who knows?

We missed having our cat after the local coyotes started picking off local cats before we heard coyote pup voices joining in the chorus. Having lots of nap times, sure made me miss her. It is really nice to have a lapcat who is sooooooooo tiny and sweet. She follows Bug around like a puppy would follow her. Very cute.

Back to the new chemo tomorrow. What a way to spend your 10th anniversary. "Darling, I love you! Can you push my IV poll for me?" hehehehe.

Happy Sun-day
In-Joy
Jenna

And Jenna said...

"Today is such a really incredible day to heal. So cool."

Jenna

And Susan said....

"At the moment of committment, the Universe conspires to assist you!"

;)

Jenna

Gratitude List for a Bumpy Day

The variety of bird songs outside my window.
The DVD my friend gave me about healing.
My friend who gave me the DVD.
Talking to Susan.
Seeing Bug's toys and remembering her creativity.
Remembering what it feels like to do a backbend.
The cool clean air I am breathing in.
My cozy pillow.
My cozy bed.
Knowing my daughter is supported.
Knowing I am supported.
Knowing Jim is supported.
Healing foods nourishing my body back to health.
Peppermint tea when I don't want to eat, soothing my stomach and returning my desire to eat.
The color of Peonies.


Jenna

Some days are Easier than others

Well, today is an "ick" day. Yesterday I slowly became "fluish" feeling. Today it is full on fluish feeling, but still managable to take care of my basic needs, although I would rather curl up under the quilt and not come back out until tomorrow.

Started off sad. Losing independence in your 30's...challenging!!!! I just want to run to the UPS store, but can't. I am not trying to pity party it right here. It isn't about the UPS store. It is that it isn't easy....just jump in the car and get it done. It take planning and coordinating.

Luckily, we have a NANNY today. (Thank you to YOU KNOW WHO for making that happen!) Can I tell you what weight has been lifted off our shoulders, especially Jim's. He isn't coming home and doing IT ALL. Someone is helping on a regular basis, at least for the summer. And she is great!! Bug needs that consistency (although your offers have been very very very appreciated!!), and this person is also helping around the house, running errands, etc. So needed, and so appreciated!

As always, I have to find a good uplifting song for the day... hmmmmmmm.......here ya' go:
India Arie: Click To Play




Peace
Jenna

The "day"

Well, this is the day I have waited for and it is still unfolding. Still, the day it "hits", but is...so far....far less intense. DEFINETLY feeling it, but not in my joints and muscles. just more like a semi-nasty flu.

On my own today until 2:30, and I think that it is all good. Don't feel like getting up, but totally can get up and get my basic needs met. Wew.

That being said, I need to rest. This might be a good video watching day.

I am so enjoying waking up to the sun

Jenna

Gift

Well, look what I found. A WHOLE FREE Xavier Rudd concert on Fabchannel. Better than his DVD footage!

So , if you watched, and just want more check it out:
http://www.fabchannel.com/xavier_rudd_2007_concert/

Jenna

Day To Transform and Heal

Wow! What a great day to transform and heal. Loving loving loving it.

I know so many people say "This chemo is killing EVERYTHING inside you! AHHH! It's poison!"

Really? Really?

Okay, there is truth in there. But this is the way I see it.

Our bodies regenerate themselves COMPLETELY aaaaaaaaaallllllll the time. Some organs and systems regenerate over months, other years. And my body lost it's way. For some reason, something blocked the flow of this.

So now, I have this powerful medicine. It isn't for the faint of heart. It is going in there and clearing out what I couldn't naturally and giving me a chance TO REBUILD!

So I ask:

How many times in your life do you consciously rebuild your body?

We could. All the time. But many of us are on autopilot and rushing around so quickly "Doing what we have to to get by." Do you want to get by, until you get sick and then have to deal. Or can you step up to living consciously everyday?

I have this rare opportunity to go in there, and rebuild my body consciously.

What food do I want to put in there to help it build? Junk this time? Or food that GLOWS with nutrients that were meant for my body. Not something processed and beaten up and the vital force taken out of it. Instead, something when I put in my body my cells feel light and buoyant and radiant. :)

What thoughts (or rush of neurotransmitters) do I want to be the primary influences that surround the rebuilding of my tissue? Every thought comes with a rush of neurotramsmitters. The more you use them, the more they stick around and are available. Neurons that were build around saddness and self doubt can be culled from lack of use, and in there places I can put a sense of wellness and confidence. Really. Just like muscles. Use it and they become stronger.

What elements, although subtle and hard to see, do I want to be the essence of what is feeding while these tissues rebuild? We all "feel" it. You walk into a space and feel comforted and held, or uneasy and unnourished. Choose.

Wow. Powerful stuff. Again, this healing/disease feels so mental. I can celebrate the changes, or fear them. And in the end, the error of the cancer cell may still be to great to overcome this time. But the strength of the person building around it......wow, I would rather experience that for a couple of years, than decades of feeling broken.

Again, music is so key to me. It too influences how I will rebuild what is broken. And Xavier Rudd is like a kindred soul. This song I am going to share......really makes me tap into something very primal and powerful that God/GreatSpirit/Universe has given us to feed us and give us life. And anytime I hear this song, all the cells in my body really build energy and I smile and cry and dance.

I dare you to sit still on this. :) Click to play video:

Comments Re-Opened

Hi all! I have reopened the comments sections. It is just in moderator mode, and will have to go through me before it gets posted so we don't get crazies we don't know selling us weird devices we have no business reading about. hehehehe.

So, per your request, comment away!!!

Love to you all! Even you whom I have never met. You get some Love too.

Jenna

Chemo Day #4 - Part Two

So, back from the new chemo. Wow! So different all around so far.

Because I am not getting heavy steroids and no Benedryl, I feel an immediate difference in my post chemo-day energy. Just steady. It is almost like nothing even happened today. So strange. :) I usually walk away feeling drugged.

Also, this ordeal, pre-meds in IV, herceptin, taxol, took a few hours to complete. Now, I take two pills, one premed in the IV, herceptin, and taxol (given in HALF the time!). The whole thing took an hour and a half or so once we got rolling. (Not three +).

So now, we wait and see. Hmmmmmm. It is suppose to be even easier on the side effects than the Taxol. This week it is wait and see.

It does still have the aches and pains in the muscles and joints, which was the big OUCH with Taxol that took me down. So, let's just wait and see. If you don't hear from me, it might be because I am little pill bug curled up in my shell waiting it out in the safety of my bed. Or that I feel so great, I am climbing Mt. Rainer. hehehe.

Okay, night all!
Jenna

Chemo Day #4 - Chemo Explained

Just a very quick post to do some explaining. I am hearing this question many times, which means it is probably on a lot of peoples minds.

Up to this point, I have been receiving Taxol (chemo) and Herceptin.

The Taxol is the chemo drug.
The Herceptin kind of blocks the cancer cells from reproducing.

I had a reaction to the Taxol, not the Herceptin.

Last week I received Herceptin.
I just barely started to get the Taxol, when the reaction occured and it was stopped and Benedryl was given along with oxygen.

Now, we are switching to a new form of Taxol. The Taxol part is still the same, it is the base it is delivered in that is different and non-allergenic.

This means I will no longer receive the premeds (yeah!) because those were to help if there was a reaction. This new form of Taxol won't do that, so no premeds are needed.

I will still be receiving Herceptin as usual.

Hopefully this means my weeks will be easier, because my body is working around a drug that it was having a reaction too. We shall see.

Gotta go get chemo now. But thought I would explain. :)

Healing, cleansing and loving vibes!
Jenna

Night Time Chant

So, I am up late. pain. blagh. I am watching the trees in the night. So beautiful. I know coyotes are in our backyard. Heard their babies calling a few nights back. I love coyotes.

And in the peace of this moment, I hear a Lakota song/chant I learned while studying traditional healing practices with a woman shaman trained in the Lakota tradition. The chant goes:

Spiraling into the center,
The center of the wheel.
Spiraling into the center,
the center of the wheel.
I am the Weaver,
I am the Woven One
I am the Dreamer,
I am the Dreamed.

I am the Weaver,
I am the Woven One
I am the Dreamer,
I am the Dreamed.


It is lulling me to sleep hearing it run through my head. I remember that night. The elk skin drums pounding, the group of us singing. It was a such a great time of learning how to really turn inward, and listen with heart. And in doing so, connect to the Whole of all of us and the gifts we give each other being in this web of life together.

Precious knowledge, understanding our connections.

Night
Jenna

Relaxing, Healing, and Floating on Waves

As a patient undergoing chemo, I am growing everyday in the understanding that:
This is such a mental healing process.

I don't mean it makes you nuts. I mean this puts you to the test on mental endurance. If you let it, it can become the greatest teacher.

My degree is in Health Pyschology. So I get to bring to the table my understanding of stress on the immune system, but also the benefits of relaxation on amping up the immune system. I used to remember those tiny details, like neurotransmitters involved, but chemo body has redirected detailed oriented energy to healing deeply. But in the end, it doesn't matter if I remember the details, it just works if you do it.

It is such a benefit to have practiced BEFORE disease hits, how to relax and kick up those healing hormones!

I seem to have a 2:00am, wake up call going on now. I am learning to use that time to do some form of energy smoothing. Frayed nerves are the norm here. I imagine it is because they are getting inundated with new chemicals and are therefore "hyper" feeling to me.

So, in that 2:00 am space I use two things to calm the nerves. One is meditation, guided imagery, or imagining all those healing prayers sinking deep into my tissues and repairing what needs help. If I am anxious (yes, I am anxious often now!), I move on to #2. I watch something that makes me laugh for 20 minutes, and back off to sleep I go. ;)

I love, love, love, all the healing thoughts, prayers, vibes, you are sending my way. I soak it in. It is my lesson here. To receive. It has always been hard to receive for me. I am learning it, but relishing in the fact that somewhere on this earth, there is someone with the thoughts "Let Jenna receive healing" being beamed my way. When I feel to scared,foggy, or weak too remember for myself, I fall back into the energy that is holding me buoyant above the waves. And I relax into it and let it just hold me.

Can't say thank you enough,
Jenna

Here is a description of the image above. CLICK on the image to see more of their work. (I LOVE this kind of "science" art). Andreas Schjønhaug and KristofferStenersen are Master of Science students at NTNU in Trondhelm, Norway who apply science to the making of art. Based on an algorithm created by Paul Hough in 1962, their Hough Waves are photographic prints that elegantly express symmetry and structure. Prints are available for order on their site in a variety of sizes as a single image or broken in to triptychs.

It's Oh So Quiet

Just a real quick post. I didn't realized three days had past since I last wrote. Just been very tired, lots of rest, getting acupuncture, letting it all sink in. I will write a bit more detailed next round of energy I get. I am really honoring sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. ;)

Til then, for your entertainment pleasure....click on the picture. This isn't for everyone. I find her fun fun fun. Just have a laugh.

Jenna

Chemo Week 3

Good news, and "hmmmm" news.

Good news. Things are looking good. Like this might be working. Less pain, more mobility, and they are amazed at how I am looking. They can just tell, it is working and are excited. AND MY BLOOD COUNTS WENT UP NOT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!

The "ack" news. I had an anaphalatic shock reactio to the chemo today. S-C-A-R-Y as all get out. I didn't think I would die, I knew I was in good hands and they would pull me out of the nose dive. But YIPES!

Why this time? Because we did it full on. The last two times, that have given the Taxol slowly, to watch for reactions. Since I had none, they decided to go full on. Unfortunately, this time I reacted very quickly and very strongly to Taxol. Apparently, I looked like a tomato, or strawberry. YIPES!

But obviously, I pulled out and am here. So no Taxol this week. I will talk to my medical oncologist this week to figure out what to do next. They can control the reactions, now that they know I have them. But I need to talk to my doctor more before I know what the resolution to this problem will be.

So, think good thoughts! The Taxol seems to be working! Hopefully, we can do this safely.

Jenna

I think I Got It

Hey friends! So, I think I have figured out a problem to my diliema of keeping this a bit more private for now. I found I can make this a member only list. You will have to sign up and I will then know who is viewing this website. THAT sounds like a perfect solution. I do believe I need to invite onto the board, therefore, I really do need an email address from you to send the invite.

And to clarify what I mean by keep thing "localized" to friend and family.
1) Do our kids go to school together! Please JOIN!
2) Do our kids play together? PLEASE JOIN!
3) Did you send us a Christmas card, PLEASE JOIN!
4) Did I ever have a face to face conversation with you? PLEASE ASK TO JOIN!
5) Did someone refer to the board, and it helps you, PLEASE ASK TO JOIN!
6) Are you like 6 degrees of seperation (like Kevin Bacon) and are on the 6th tier. MAYBE YOU BETTER ASK FIRST, SEND REFERENCES, AND DO AN INTERVIEW. ;) hehehehe

I just don't want people I don't know, reading. If I know you, and you know me, we are cool, please send along you email address so I can send the invite to join.

I will also moderate comments, to scan for things that could make others feel uncomfortable or inflame a arguement. I don't mind talking at all about Jesus, church, or prayer. I do mind using this as a platform to preach and scare people.

This isn't just about the board, I have recieved strange (and disturbing) stuff in the mail, and emails that just don't sit well with me. So, I need to reign this in some.

IF you have a friend who might benefit from knowing my experience, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO OFFER this to them. I just need to send an invite, so I know who is referring them, why and that they are lurking.

Does that clear the air? I hope I didn't isolate anyone, please be courageous to ask. If you do, I am probably NOT talking about YOU and I would love to clear that up.

Hope that helps. I will start members lists this week. SO please, send you email on if you want to be added. Even if we've never met.

This really is about safety. I am telling people "Kid needs to be picked up from school" and I don't want a snooping stranger getting ideas. Pedophiles do lurk on boards to get just that kind of info and a savvy one could quickly figure out where she is. Safety really in the end. The comments from strangers have just made me realize how public this board is becoming.

Again, hope that alleviates "Is she talking about me?' Probably not.

HUGS
Jenna

Blog Changes

So friends. I think I have a plan that will protect private information (help with K.) and our location private from the "bigger world" and still have a blog that is open to the public.

In the end, I may have two blogs. A "helpers" blog, with details for requests, and way more private details of what is going on). And a blog that is a general blog for all to puruse. Public commentary from strangers welcome (but moderated), so if exchanges go south, I can protect my family.

So, when I get that going I will let you know. I will try to do it ASAP.


Jenna

Going off the Grid

Hi all! I have been having a creepy feeling lately about how public this blog is becoming. It was intended to be for friends and family who genuinely wanted to follow my progress. A way for letting everyone know, in one shot, what is going on and how I am holding up.

But in light of emails and commentary posted to my blog, I am seeing that is going beyond the reach of genuinely interested people, and into the realm of people I don't really know, and in turn,I feel like a soap opera digest. Blugh.

Therefore, to protect the privacy/safety of my family, AND to keep this free from unsolicited commentary, I would like to make this a member only board. IF you are interested in following my blog and journey, please email me a simple email. In the heading write "Keep Me Posted".
Please know, if you were on the original list of people I sent, I do mean you. If you are someone I don't know well, but were referred to this blog....and want to read on, email me privately.

For now, let me think on this and read up on blog/privacy issues to see how open I can keep it.
I want it there for other moms going through this too, those I don't know.

Hmm, thinking, thinking.....

Thanks,
Jenna

Mamma Loving Healing

"Mom, you are the greatest healer" said a groggy Bug, in the middle of the night, as I curl on the end of her bed, rubbing her legs. Growing pains have woken her, and called me to her.

"Thanks Bug."

"It's true, your welcome." she says, sleepy smile. And drifts off. I say, maybe I should doing healing arts when I am all done with this cancer thing.

She raises her head after a minute with a HUGE sleepy smile:
"Mom! You have cancer, and yet you STILL heal me! You grew up a healer and you are a healer despite your body is sick. You, are a mamma-lovin'-healer." And then lays her head back to her pillow, smiling.


that kid
jenna

Magnet Exact Quote

peace.
it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.
it means to be in the midst of those thing and still be calm in your heart.

The Burning Questions, Answered...maybe.

Okay, now that my energy is back, I have loads to catch up on. So multiple post day.

That being said, two topics I have been watching circulate the discussion amongst friends/family. I think they need some air time here.

BURNING QUESTION #1

Q: But why did this happen to Jenna? She is such a nutritious eater, walks and meditates, is young no history of breast cancer? Isn't that suppose to make you immune to cancer?

A: That answer is obviously a "No. Apparently not." So let's look deeper into that on.
There are two levels to this question. The physical "why", and the spiritual "why".

Psycho-Spiritual "WHY?"

There is no "get out of life" free card. No matter what you do, what mountain top of spirituality you climb, or the good you do or don't do in this world - we still are spiritual beings in human form living under the conditions of physicality. Short version: We break. Now, by doing our inner-work, we can sure boost our immune systems, and keep illness at bay better. But as my Health Psychology professor told us in Psycho-Nuero-Immunology, "Sometimes, you just get sick."

There is this picture I have of the Dali Lama. I love it. Yes, he has a gentle smile, kind eyes. But I keep it, because.....he has glasses and wrinkles, and is stooped over. His enlightenment didn't keep him looking 25, and disease free. But it sure does help keep those eyes gentle, the smile kind.

I am moved at how highly people seem to assess my spiritual prowesses as something higher up on the "scale", but never ever do I think of that as a way to avoid suffering and life. No one can. It does, however, inform my REACTION. If anyone wants to "spiritual" Jenna blog, email me. I will pass it your way. For those who want a really amazing book, try "When Bad Things Happen To Good People". Good read. It should be handed out on Graduation day along with "Oh, the Places You Will Go".

The Physical "WHY":

I have heard so many stories now of woman in the 20-30's who are diagnosed in Stage 4 . Mainly because of what so many of you have said about me, "But you are young, eat well, exercise, no family history." I have stumped the nurses over it all. But genetics may be playing a part here. We will find out. Maybe not breast cancer genetics, but a syndrome that effects the genes and shows up as several forms of cancer in a family line. So far, we've had them all show up in the last three generations. So we may test to see if that is what is going down the family line (shutter at the thought of Bug having this mutated gene, but I can't even go there right now).

If that isn't the case, we still have toxins. And this is where my warrior cries out "This toxic soup has got to stop!" I have always felt that way, but even more so now. We are SO separated from natural, so numbed out, we can't even see the imbalances. I believe we are beginning to. And I hope it hits everyone like an addiction. The more natural you go, the more you feel how off it all is, and the more natural you become and we make the world a greener place. No gene splicing plastics required.

Burning TOPIC NUMBER TWO

I have chemo brain. And I don't remember what that was right now. hehehehe. Seriously I can't. And that was long enough. So it will wait for another time.
So, I will leave you with this:

Blessings,
Jenna

Stick a Needle, there, there, there, there..and...there

I love love love acupuncture. :)

She did in one day, with 10 needles, what no drug could do, and my body feels sooooooooo much better. :)

Thanks Anna K for Stella. She just rocks!!!

I know I have all types of people reading this blog now. People I know and people I don't know. So i have not been sure how much to delve into certain details.

But the acupuncturist just undid a nasty side effect of the pain meds that the doctors were kind of struggling with and throwing more pills at. YES. yes yes yes yes yes. :)

Pain meds can cause constipation. YIPES! Who wants to talk about that. But really. In healing cancer, from my point of view, you need that GI system really working for you all it can. You are clearing out LOADS of stuff, and your GI system is it's way out. So, if it isn't working, you aren't getting the most out of your chemo. PLUS my body feels worn out and malnourished.

So, to have the system moving again, instead of paralyzed, without chemicals and dependency, is so key. NOW, I am a real savvy nutrition girl. I know what to put in my body to help it with the chemo, and to help it from becoming paralzyed again. This to me tips me back into the feeling of "my body can handle this".

I am so doing things BOTH ways. I know I have an amazing medical oncologist. But she doesn't really understand that I would rather have a Rx for acupuncture, and save the drug for the times the body just can't quit do it on it's own. This experience has reminded me, I am hear to learn and to teach and to UNITE two fields.

I am so much happier today.

Jenna
(who reserves the right to talk about GI systems, and have mood swings, and giggle still)

Not really sure what to say today. Don't want to be false happy, or false sad. Just kind of hanging in a limbo land of not feeling so great and a little "lost" feeling. Had a fever of unknown origin two days ago, and have been run down since.

But today, I had a wonderful visit with an acupuncturitst/ND who really helped me feel heard and understood in ways I am used to speaking about my body. Not compartmentalized, and seen as a series of undiagnosable symptoms. But she really took time to see the whole picture, and address issues without throwing more pills at me (which seem to make me feel less and less like myself).

So, now with the steadier mind post-acupuncture, and a GI system that is finally moving some, I have a renewed effort to really BALANCE this journey. All the meds, and meds for side effects for meds are starting to make me hazy and unhealthy. So, next step is to find more balance between what my body can do on it's own, and what meds I really really need.

I am just blessed this acupuncturist/ND can come to my house once a week. She is in no way advocating a one-sided approach, and wants to make sure we are working WITH chemo/the docs, but yet speaks "my language". Very helpful.

Still, feeling kind of, I dunno" hazed/lost/chemo brained. It is hard to not be independent and to rely not only on someone for Bug, but myself as well. My wonderful mother--in-law is heading home this weekend after a two week stay with us. And I am not sure what we are going to do next week.

I have plenty of people wanting to take Bug, but we really need a long term in-home help situation. I miss her. She misses me. We need to be together. So, I am asking the universe to give me the energy I need to pull that together.

Not ever entry will be all bubbly. But it doesn't mean I am all down in the blues either. It just is what is going on. Truth = power to act.

Stay cool, dry, and happy this weekend.
Jenna

Post Chemo #2 Day #1

Chemo went smoothly last night. Lots of visitors from start to finish kept me from sleeping like the Benedryl that I had given me was wanting me too. But it was good to see the friendly faces. I had hoped to collage, but appears the Benedryl they give me might make me too drowsy to do so. Humph.

Today is still going pretty well. They said usually hits 24-36 hours after the treatment was administered, which was very true last week.

Today, quietly watched for the edges of it, saw it coming, medicated properly. By midafternoon, I had those nasty body aches starting to make little storms of pain erupt briefly here and there. Took my meds some more, didn't really stop it. So I turned to my ways.

I got out a meditation/visualization CD for Chemotherapy from a brillant woman who has thrived beyond cancer herself. I did the three tracks for post-chemo and was pain free and finally asleep. Amazing. ;) Now, I am just incredibly unable to keep my eyes open, but pain free still.

So, it is about being a good body listener. Small meals when hungry starts keeps nausea away. The edges of pain in my hips means stop moving. Pain in muscles/joints means it all stops, pull out all the help and get to sleep for a good while.

Learning. Learning.
Jenna